am expecting to much?

[cedar12]

I am a childminder and I Have been looking after a little girl who is 4 just started reception. She has alway been a handful but thought she was settling in and starting school was a lot to cope with. We have to walk half a mile to school and back, I pick her up first from an infant school then my daughter from a juniors up the road for the last 2 days we have late for my daughter as she won't walk she shouted the whole way today! She has a nanny the other two days who has handed in her notice due to her behaviour! Am i excepting to much from her yesterday she was so rude to my husband and my daughter who is only 8 spent the whole time in her room after school yesterday. Would Feel guilty for letting her mum down though. Just need a bit of advise on what to do just feel like everyone is suffering because of her.

Wrote this on my phone!

I would speak to her mum. Let her know that this behaviour is unacceptable. 4 year olds will shout, and sometimes do things which we wouldn't do as adults and we make allowances for that, but there is also a point where you have to say 'this is not on'.

Nip it in the bud early and get the parents backing.

If she continues to behave in a manner that's not acceptable (and refusing to walk, shouting when told not to and being rude to people) then you need to implement your Behaviour Policy - for example if there's a treat like half an hour's TV when you get in, don't put it on. Tell the child why.

Thanks have been trying that sort of thing. Calmly explaining etc lots of praise for good behaviour. Maybe I should make it more formal.

Hi cedar, how long have you been looking after 4yo?

Have been looking after her since beginning of September. Mum is going to make a sticker chart over half term. Thinking about getting a buggy board, thought it might help after school not sure if ok to use at that age weight wise etc. We will see how it goes after half term!!!

I think a 4 year old should quite easily be able to walk half a mile, mine certainly did at that age and so do my mindees. if shes not walking then she hasnt been expected to so mum is either using a push chair or carrying her..a 4 year old on a buggy board will be very hard to push and I wouldnt do it..

being rude to your husband and child or anyone for that matter is completely unacceptable and I would have immediately instigated the naughty step

what and why is she shouting, its not acceptable for you to be late for your own daughter or for any after school child, not fair..

I think stickers are a bit of a lame response to this, she wont be at schoiol over half term will she so how will this help that particulare behaviour??

to be honest I dont do rude children, mine or mindees, this little madam needs more than stickers but proper boundaries and firm fair discipline.

how is she behaving at school??? I would be firm with her and more importantly mum and if no improvement then give notice.

She screamed because her Aunty picks up cousin from the same school and she wanted to go with them! The mum was going to make a sticker chart over the holiday for me to use after half term. But I think I will give it 2 weeks after half term and if she doesnt buck her ideas up very quickly I will give my notice. I have only been minding for 6months and all my other mindees have been great. I think I have it in my contract that if behaviour become a problem I only have to give a weeks notice rather than a month. I hate this bit of running a bussiness!!
Just looking forward to next week for a rest as she is term time only. Thanks for all your advise.

A buggy might help. She might be tired. Not excusing rude behaviour but if at least you could rule out one reason.

Watching this thread as my ds who is 3. started with a cm at the beginning of september. He is in morning nursery and his behaviour has started to deteriorate over the past week. I'm at a loss to know why, and need o devise a plan with our cm to get him back on track.

I'd be horrified if a CM only gave us a weeks notice though - would put me off signing up with him/her to start with.

I agree with the buggy or buggyboard suggestion. My 4yo is knackered after nursery. My plan was for him to walk with me to pick up his younger brother at the CMs, but I tried it a couple of times and the tiredness made him react a bit like this little girl (though not as badly, thankfully!). I've ended up using the buggyboard or car, depending on the weather. Am also trying to get him into using a microscooter, which a lot of the parents seem to find brilliant as a way for getting tired kids to go longish distances. Is that an option?

I think the reason she screamed is fair enough, she is 4 and wanted to go home with her aunty and not with someone she has only known for a couple of months. She then continued to be cross as she probably thought she was missing out. Perhaps mum could explain to her daughter that during the week she can't go to her aunties but it would be worth arranging a special meet up over the weekend.
Will you be walking when the weather is bad? perhaps you could use the car sometimes and get home quickly. There's nothing wrong with walking we do it every day but sometimes they just want to get home and chill or they are hungry and need feeding, perhaps you could take a snack, a bit of flapjack or a cake then you can distract her to pick up your daughter and get the cake as a reward for quick walking.

I would usually give a months notice but have it in my contract if behaviour become a real problem and is effecting the other children which it is, I can give a months notice.
Really in two minds at the moment, about what to do. I think she may be a bit heavy for a buggy board.

Laughable to think children under 8 are 'expected' to be able to walk 2 miles to school when the LEA makes calculations for transport to school. If my DD2 (aged 4) accompanied DD1 on her journeys to school by foot she'd be doing close to 8 miles daily.

I understand why you want to give notice, but I really think you should only use your 1 week's notice option for REALLY bad behaviour, and I don't think this counts. Is she hitting/kicking/punching, screaming at the top of her voice (you know the really ear deafening one!), throwing toys around violently, etc? Rude behavioru is unacceptable, but I don't think it's extreme enough to warrant such a short notice period.

If my CM gave another mum 1 week's notice for such behaviour I would be looking elsewhere myself. My DSs have had periods of time when their behaviour gets really awful, tantruming, not listening, etc. But after a few weeks they go back to being really nice, so I put it down to either being unwell - but without other symptoms that I can spot, or growth spurts which are bothering them.

I would take a snack and a drink.

I would treat her the same as I'd treat one of my own and she would know that that behaviour is completely unacceptable.

I disagree that her shouting was understandable - her being cross or upset was understandable, but acting out like that is not and she'd be told.

How many other mindees do you have when you have her?

I think she is probably going to be too big for buggy boards, but a scooter is a good idea if you can take one for all the kids you pick up, if not, it's a no-go. It's not far and if you take a drink & a snack she will just have to get on with it.

Is she small enough to be able to pick up in a 'rugby tackle' and carry for a bit if she's refusing to walk?

I'm having the same problem. Rude kids and rude refusals to do anything. Sabotage all the way down the line in order to get what they want. I've communicated with the mother but she seems to think it's my problem and not hers. My charge has been babied - in buggy with dummy at age 3.5.

Mum won't let me do anything differently. I'm new to nannying - is it normal that you have to do everything the same as the mother even when dcs behaviour is different?

I've worked with children for years and have never been treated the way I have been with these two. I feel for you, OP -not got much to add other than a bit of understanding for your situation.

half a mile is perfectly acceptable for a 4 year old ffs, if people think a buggy board is acceptable for a 4 year old then not suprised the obesity rates are sky high some kids, really amazing.

i didnt have a car when my dcs were little and they walked the mile to school and back no problems and were fitter and more able to start work than kids who had sat in a hot car, lazy parents, lazy fat kids.....my older kids now old teens and slim while the 'buggy kids' are now fat teens, early habits and examples stick.

its a lot easier of course to stick a child in a buggy but then lots of things are easier but this doesnt make them right for the child, its the easy option for the parent/ carer.

notnanny, poor you, no as a cm I would be nagging mum to get shot of dummy at 3.5, very bad for the teeth and speech, and she should be walking, definatly.

i dont accept rudeness from anyone, adult or child as I am not rude myself, end of.

no I couldnt work with parents like this..

Well my daughter was pretty lazy when it came to walking and she is not one of those lazy fat kids, she is also slim.

This child is four and you have not had her that long why not give it more time? To only give one weeks notice is not fair on the mother.

This isn't about laziness - the child wants to be with Mummy and is trying to wreck your arrangement. She has started reception and is probably tired and confused from that too. Mine aren't lazy, they have just been treated like babies for too long by their mother and she's in denial about it.

But essentially this is work - it is hard but you get paid for it. Your family need to understand that too and it may be in their interests to help and get her on side. Perhaps you could give your daughter a certain amount of time on her own and then get them both involved in a game?

yes all of us have traits and laziness is fine if not indulged by parents, sure you didnt do that redglow thats why your dd is slim..

notnanny suppose can see why parent babies her kids, we all do this to a certain extent but if she is paying you then she obviously wants your expertise and so when kids with you cant you institute your rules, i have minees who play parents up blind but are as good as gold to me..

op set your rules, make your boundaries and ensure mindeed and of course own dds stick to them and give it a fair trial, she may turn out fantastic after some

Well I often used to give in and chuck her in her buggy if I was going shopping because it was easier. Poor little girl has a new childminder and just started school what a big change for her. I feel the OP has not given her a fair chance and it is early days.

I agree with redglow, it's a lot to take in when you are four! If she isn't used to walking it will take time and encouragement. I had similar situation a few years ago, little boy moaned, dragged feet after a few months got used it! it's a long day at school, so will be tired!

Thebody: think it's a ridiculous assumption to make by saying if you don't walk when you are younger you will end up fat!
I know adults who have been fit when younger but then chosen to eat to much and not exercise when older and have then become fat! Vice versa! though we should definitely encourage children to move and take care of themselves.

Yes bump agree maybe her mum does not make her walk, another big change for her. I would give any child at least three months to settle, and a four year old isnt the easiest age.

think the point that everyone is missing is that none of this is the Childs fault!! at the end of the day children learn by copying, if there parents don't walk why would they? Don't think it is fair to call her a little madam when she has only been with cm/new school for a few wks! children usually adapt to new carers within a few months! just takes time, patience, caring and remembering what works for one doesn't always work for another! good luck. Let us know how it goes

The body - my 4 year old mostly walks everywhere but I always let her stand on the back of the pushchair (it has a handy in-built step thing) on the way home from school. It is not just worth pushing her to walk when she clearly does not have the energy. She is average weight (actually slightly lighter than average) She is always cranky after school. Once she's got home, had a snack and vegged out a bit we usually go out for 30 minutes after dinner on the bike or for a little run around, at which point she is completely up for it.
I agree that meeting her with a light snack and drink and not expecting her to walk would help.

4 year olds can come across as so rude, spoilt, but it sounds like there are just too many changes going on for her at the same time. Pick your battles until she's used to being with you - but obviously do tackle the rudeness and naughty behaviour and make her and parents understand it's not on.