Problem with CM advice please

[Spanglemum]

My son is nearly 4 and goes to his childminder 4 mornings a week and 2 afternoons after nursery. He IS a difficult child, I know, he has a problem with withholding and constipation so he often soils. He can be be bad tempered and defiant...He is no angel and I know it.

However every time I pick him up from CM she moans about what he has done and not done that day. I know there has to be a handover and I don't want her to lie, but I am getting fed up with hearing all this negativity. She is very firm and she has done a lot with him in that he holds the pushchair when they go out which he never used to do etc etc. That said they don't go out that often except to the school and back.

I get the impression that she is fed up with the job to be honest, fair enough, but that's not my fault. Or fed up with him....

Also he goes to a different childminder one day a week on the day she does not work and this lady has not had any problems with him. Nursery have, though not so much now, they commented on how good he has been the other day.

I have always been friendly to her, we are similar ages etc and I like her as a person but I don't know what to do for the best.
There's not a huge number of childminders around this area so I'm a bit limited. I did say today that if he was getting too much she must say and she said she would see how it goes...

My gut feeling is that it's time for a change, but it's whether there is an alternative available.

Any thoughts gratefully received...

Spangle

It sounds difficult but I agree with you. She shouldn't be like this. He's 3 and toilet issues are part of life at this age surely.
My over 4yo had an accident at the CMs recently, he greeted me at the door stark naked from the waist down, and she was apologising for only having pink knickers to put on him as spares :o

Gut feelings are important, trust it.

Is he happy being there?

Would the 1 day a week childminder take him for 5 days? Possibly worth asking as a starting point.

for DS

If she is not enjoying caring for him then the professional thing would be for her to terminate your arrangement

Caring for a child with additional needs can be challenging, of course it can, but for DS to hear lots of negativity at handover is really not on, from the POV of his self-esteem. Poor wee sausage.

I would advise you to terminate (am a CM myself and am upset for you and DS) - ring your local Early Years team at the county council for a list of CMers (the direct gov lists are a bit hit and miss in my area at the mo and I suspect this might be the same around the country)

If you trust your other CM not to tell the first CM,she may be able to recommend someone, assuming she can't look after him herself of course

I think it would be good to talk to your CM first. If you like her, you could arrange a chat along the lines of "You don't seem happy with DS, we know he can be hard work, but are you finding it too difficult?". She may have got stuck in rut and needs to re-asses the way she deals with him. I sometimes find when going through phases with children It's me that needs to stop, take stock, and look at a different way to deal with it, if the original one isn't working.

Try and work with her if you are happy with everything else she does, if it doesn't improve, then given notice and move on with him.

The thing that sticks out in your post is that he is going to 3 different settings.
They will all have different ideas of discipline, child development, different resources and totally different ways of doing things.
Is maybe, this contributing to his behaviour? He sounds like he would benefit from some consitency- so he knows exactly where he stands and what is expected of him.
So, yes, I agree, it is time for a re-think.

I cared for a child exhibiting challenging behaviour for a while and I would tell his parents all the problems, but I would also tell them all the good things as well. He must have done something clever, new, or good that she could tell you each day?

I am with the others about going with your instincts and trying to settle him into one setting, for continuity.

Could be that the cm he has for one day he behaves better for as she is less familiar.

As a cm who has got a very difficult child at the moment who soils daily more than once and will not (or can not) follow instructions due to a combination of ASD and ODD, I can see her point of view.

It could be that a change would be good for your ds if he has got into a pattern of behaviour with the cm due to personality clashes or a difference of disciplining within settings, but I wouldn't be too hard on her for being negative unless the negativity comes across as personal or emotional rather than matter of fact, which is in fact just being truthful.

The child I have with ASD/ODD has been in childcare and with another cm since 9 months and no-one has ever said that the child was difficult to the mother before, despite them being very difficult at home. School have said they can't handle it which has come as a shock. The other cm / nursery must have been lying or not wanting to confront it, which is a possibility here.

I think it's best to know the truth so everyone can work together to sort it before it gets to the point of not being allowed in school (of course that is an extreme case)

Thanks everyone for your responses it has been really good to hear them. I think the point about him being in 3 different settings is a good one. HOwver most of the cm's round here only seem to work part time. I could look at changing my hours at work but have already cut them back.

He doesn't seem to want to go to cm's though when we get there he goes in happily enough. He does say he doesn't like it sometimes though

She does not usually tell me anything positive about him. I think I will ask her directly... She seems offended if he has not eaten his lunch. SOme of what she tells me concerns the job itself the training, the paperwork etc. Never the other children though, she is very professional in that respect.

I appreciate he is hard work, we are waiting to see a specialist about his toiletting and there is a chance he has some learning difficulties. I have been upfront with her about this and she has said some days he seems better than others wrt listening, following instructions etc.

I wish going to collect him wasn't such a negaitive experience. I feel like i'm proping her up soemtimes. i'm just glad to see my son.

Think I will sound out other opportunities but try and improve things where he is.

spangle

Hello. I belive that children should not be given negative feedback but be encouraged to achive goal or milestones they are trying to achive, in your case his soiling. if your child minder gives your negative feedback you should challenge her on this and can i ask why do they not go out other hen the school runs?