My 15 month old still cries when nanny comes in the morning - is this normal?

[oliviar]

We hired a nanny a little over 2 months ago, 2 weeks of which we were away (without nanny), to look after our 15 month old boy every day (all day). He still cries/balks when she walks through the door every morning and I'm wondering whether others with more knowledge/experience can advise whether this is normal? (This is my first child/nanny.)

I guess I thought that by this point he would be very comfortable with her and happy to see her in the morning. He is a pretty easy-going kid and while a little shy with people at first he warms up pretty quickly. Generally by the time I leave half an hour later after the nanny arrives he is fine and playing with her, and according to her he is happy during the day, but the initial reaction is concerning - for example, the other day he practically jumped out of his highchair reaching out for me (crying) when he saw her come through the door.

We have a nanny cam so are pretty confident there is nothing seriously wrong but still it seems very strange to me. Further info: husband and I have pretty much decided we want to let her go, for this and other reasons, so not looking for advice on that front, but rather just wondering whether this is 'normal'.

Janiston - can you please explain how data protection (or less likely human rights act) isn't governing use of CCTV in workplace. The rights and wrongs of whether it is proportionate , how it's done are relevant and whilst it may not prohibit , it certainly limits use (eg on how footage is used in a disciplinary).

But I do agree that it's a side issue here as relationship seems to be broken.

I'd seriously reconsider your nanny for the following reasons:

• you don't trust her
• you're secretly filming her in her workplace (which I think is illegal).

The crying thing - DS did this especially when we go back to work after holiday or if he's ill.

secret filming would be illegal, but it's possible the nanny knows.

I imagine the crying is quite common for this age - I was an au pair and my predecessor developed a very elaborate distraction technique to let the parents get off to work. I never dared to vary it.

You have to put up signs in public places to say there are cameras. It needs to be in contract in work place and nanny should expect some privacy at work and not just in bathroom. Data protection is serious issue. e.g. Parking violations via cctv without notices up are also a case where legal challenges are stronger (spent ages on this once) though most people just pay and people just don't seem to know about it.

Nothing wrong if nanny knows and agrees. I have had cameras in past: one family was fine. But although second family loved me I felt (and was) watched in detail by one. Felt totally abused and my mind could not prioritise in job and found I disproportionately concentrated on e.g. how I swept up crumbs from a surface. I was not totally myslef and would unconsiously put parents ideas of a good upbringing before what I actually felt instictively in the moment and from training what was best for the child. Nannies and parents are never 100% compatible and tiny inconsequential things your nanny does could ruin your relationship. It would be highly unlikely for me to accept cameras again; I usually ask. imo you need to tell her asap that she has been filmed. Unless she knows you I imagine you couldn't use film as official evidence.

crying- I'd give it a bit longer. Having you around can make it harder for nanny and child to bond naturally. You are obviously anxious enough to use camera so this might transfer to (nanny and) child who may then worry about you leaving. Can you pop back in day at a random time to see how things are?

I always have to wonder about the use of nanny cams- parents who go to work and pay a nanny to care for their child have the time to sit and watch what goes on in the day? Do they come home, sit on the sofa and watch hours of footage of their childs day? Or is it live streaming, watching it on the internet like some nurseries do now? I know I spend a lot of time in the house looking after my charges so parents would spend every waking moment watching me making sandwiches and changing nappies! Use of a nanny cam is one of the few things that would make me leave a job- if I didn't know about it and discovered one I would leave immediately, if I was told one was to be installed I would hand my notice in. Its not so much the being watched, as there is nothing really I wouldn't want to parents to watch (though I sing less and I wouldn't crawl around with the baby if I was conscious of being watched constantly). Its the trust thing- if they can't trust me, well why I am I there? Why are they paying me? Because I spend time out of the home too, school runs, park time, groups. Why do they trust me to do that and not care for the children at home?

To the OP- I think its an age thing, the nanny may be perfect yet because the child has met them at that awkward clingy age, plus the break, all the child thinks when nanny arrives is that means mummy/daddy is going soon. Its you going that is affecting them, not nanny arriving. Thats from my years of experience as a nanny in a hotel, where we had different children every day and saw so many different reactions to being in the nursery, and my experience as a nanny. It just takes longer to bond when the relationship starts at that age, some children just find it harder to take to someone new at that age. If that is the only issue, I'd hope you'd give her a little longer to form that relationship. If there are other issues as indicated in the op, weigh it all up. This may well be an issue with your next nanny or nursery or whatever else you chose.

I have the opposite problem - nanny comes to take one child out and the one that gets to stay with me is screaming like a banshee. Doesn't mean I'm a bad mother!!!! (I hope!! )

But, for me (and I'm not going to get into the legalities or rights / wrongs, of the whole thing) if you need a nanny cam, you have the wrong nanny.

I have a whole host of issues with my nanny, but do I trust her with my kids? Absolutely!!! Without question! If I didn't, I wouldn't be leaving my kids with her. End of.

There is no guarentee, there never is in life, but it sounds as if this is not the nanny for you.

But Janiston a nanny cam is not using it in one's home, you're using it in someone's place of work so it's a slightly different legal situation?

Ok I thought it was if you didn't tell the employee, I stand corrected!

FWIW I'm with you Janiston. Well done for actually having view on this with some proper grounds. But, as it's been pointed out several times, it's a side issue in this situation.

I ignored my 2.5 yo DC crying when nanny arrived for 6 months, thinking it's "normal" untill a terrible thing happened and we were forced to let her go. Bitter, bitter memories.

Occurs to me if you are secretly filming then you are condoning any undesired behaviour towards/around your child e.g. internet usage/abuse, so you can catch them. Telling the nanny would surely eliminate this happening in the first place by those likely to do it so your child would be better off.

I don't care what those big brother people say about forgetting the cameras are there I could not (in my second camera job) forget about the cameras- and yes, the mother spent a large part of each day watching and ringing me about things I was doing- without ever informing me the cameras were there (found out a different way). I actually am wondering now if anyone filming would need to register with information commissioner.

I think the emotional need for a camera could be linked in some circumstances to an emotional transfer of anxiety to the child.

Janiston, i think people are concerned that if you have a nanny cam without her consent, then its illegal? OR can you have a nanny cam without her knowing???

I know of a nanny who was filmed without her knowledge, and she was looking for a new job immediately. I would be VERY uncomfortable to find a hidden camera, although if id known about it i might be ok with it.