AIBU: should live-in be picking from fridge?

[tsunami]

AIBU - I have a nice live-in postgrad student, recently moved in to live under my roof in exchange for 16 hours of after-school supper & homework duty. The deal I made was that this student would have the room in exchange for the 16 hours, and on those days would then get to eat with the kids. But now he's eating breakfast in the kitchen, helping himself to coffee and now to lunch. He did ask if it was 'OK to help [him]self from the fridge' and I said h'm, within reason - not the big meal stuff. But now I feel I'm feeding him - even though he goes out to a bar work job in the evenings and earns his pocket money.
He's a poor student etc, and I don't pay him any cash but he gets his bed, hot water, heating, roof over head, uses our internet etc etc. I feel I'm being taken advantage of as I'm not his mum.
Perspective? Should I just get over it, as a few extra pints of milk, a bit of cereal, bread and cheese etc aren't going to kill me?

I don't have vast experience, but I don't think Au Pair's usually do much more than 25 hours Maisie. Someone else will know

Where can I get one of these free au-pairs live-in post grad students? After school clubs are costing me a small fortune....I'm quite happy to buy in some extra bread and milk and stuff. Even nice coffee if they can entertain the DC as well as making sure they don't kill themselves/each other.

Live in student with us did 4 hours or so house work, the odd eve baby sit and would help prepare meals and clear up along side us if she happened to be in the kitchen
We provided all her food and sometimes gave her lifts etc
However we each make up the rules for our own homes so it's up to you OP

'Pocket money' from bar job I wonder what he is post-grad in? Sounds like a good move for homework as well.

If you think about the numbers then you'll realise you have the better end of the deal and if he is looking after your dcs well then I would ensure that he is looked after.Best to approach this from what costs you are saving rather than what a deal it is for him. I doubt many post grads would sign up to this deal, it must reflect how tough the employment market is for grads atm.

Yesterday, at our house, he w'd've got marrow stuffed with lamb mince, and apple, quince and cinnemon crumble, poor guy

good job thats not one of my sons you are exploiting. good job for you I mean!!!

Crikey you are getting a great deal.

Basically an au pair situ but you don't pay him; he is regularly out of the house earning his "pocket Money", therefore giving you space; you don't have the responsibility that you do to an aupair and to top it off he presumably speaks English just fine (so no extra costs like language courses).

Yet you don't want hime eating breakfast in the kitchen Some people!

maybe he could move in with me - i need someone to mow my lawn and give odd weed a tug and wallpaper the odd wall

i would gladly give him a bed/roof over his head and pay him in beer/wine/cash cheese and bread and milk!!

When I was an MA student in London I would ABSOLUTELY have considered this arrangement. I was on my own, hours away from then boyfriend and on another continent to my family, Skint, and wondering how much would I would have in my bank account after paying for my bedsit that week. I managed but had a few hair raising moments.

As long as you are not abusing the hours, I think 16 hrs a week plus a roof over his head is not unreasonable - you guys can both help each other out a bit. I would not have expected additional pay unless you exceeded the hours or took the mick in terms of scheduling - he needs to be able to get to class and do his work.

Personally if I were also working in a bar, I wouldn't have minded getting some of my own food in. In your shoes, I would stand him breakfast.

How old are the kids? if they are 13 /14 then its not really childcare is it. it is more like make supper and make sure they do their home work and help if they get stuck. That is not an AP Role.

If you lived in SW london where a nice room plus bills etc would be around £100 + a week then I think you could re enforce you are not providing all his food but if you live elsewhere where rent is cheaper then personally I would just keep quiet and buy more food.

It sounds like he has just a room, so where else than the kitchen would he be expected to eat breakfast (or any other meal?)

Have a shelf in the fridge that's not to be touched as it's meal stuff, then plenty of every day basics.

Otherwise, you're going to be in a situation of policing every bottle of milk, and a mutually agreeable arrangement will turn sour very quickly.

Thanks, all those of you who posted sensible replies. Useful to know I'm not being completely unreasonable at least to wonder where to draw the line.

But...'Stingy'? There are some pretty sharp-edged messages up there as well...what is it with you guys? So I asked. It's called seeking advice, not asking for a beating. He's a nice guy, and we get on well. He is not a babysitter. Babysitters come and get paid and either have supper with the kids or don't depending. Or effing choc biscuits (please). He's not an 'au pair' - he's a student and he has another job, so he does have an income. We both work from here all day, so he gets a roof and bed and all his utilities - I rented elsewhere here and it was 400 pcm to get just the board, let alone any heating or food. I never said he gets no food - he eats breakfast and helps himself to lunch and has coffee and tea & bix/toast etc all day. On top of that he gets a really decent hot dinner with us (with wine) four days a week when we all sit down. ('Plated in case he's busy' - gimme a break! When do I ever get 'plated'?! My kids are 10,11 and 13 anyway - how 'busy' does it get?)

Food is usually totally made by me. He never looks after the kids singlehanded, doesn't do any driving or other work, does no housework, does no shopping, cleaning, washing or chores except maybe load or empty the dishwasher. I'm a PG student, a single mum, I run a small business and I look after ALL the kids' needs. I could survive without him, but it's nicer for all of us to do it this way.

And - as for responsibility... a house is responsibility. Paying bills all through the winter is responsibility. Bringing in the money to pay for the kids and the food in the first place is responsibility. He's an extra pair of hands, not a nanny. He wouldn't have anywhere to live without this arrangement. When I was a student I had to pay for all my food. AND my board. It was completely normal.
blondeshavemorefun - sounds like you need a day at the spa to me.

Of course it is completely normal to pay for all your food and board as a student but you are not providing something for nothing. He is working 16hrs a week, almost £100 per week at minimum wage.

I'm not sure a room in a house is worth that. Although it does of course depend on where you live.

Regardless you should recognise you are onto a good thing if you had to employ someone live out for those services you'd be down £400 a month. He can't possibly be costing you anything like that in real terms.

Actually, OP being a single parent puts a different slant on this for me.

There's a limit to how many people you can feel responsible to feed and water without feeling resentful, if you don't have someone else to shoulder the 'caring' responsibility with.

It sounds to me like you need a more 'adult to adult' arrangement with this person, rather than having to be responsible for being the only one worrying about whether there's enough milk for breakfast.

LaStupenda, Hats off in respect, ma'am. It's a great arrangement but he should respect your food. Thanks for the further info, agree with YellowSub now, your circumstances are not what I imagined at all

He never looks after the kids singlehanded
Now we're confused - I thought this dude was your 16h/wk nanny so you could work?

I think if you made a deal with him then he is taking liberties if he starts helping himself to more than he should. I would be inclined to have a discussion sooner rather than later or I expect he will gradually help himself to more. It is the fact that he is not sticking to the deal that would annoy me as it shows a certain amount of disrespect. If on reflection now or later you think that he deserves more than he's currently getting then you can offer him a revised deal with some extras but right now he is not honouring the deal that was made. I would probably mention it tactfully to him though since you presumably want him to stay.

I am now thinking: he is not actually doing 16h/week childcare, he is sponging rent and bill-free, and he is taking your and the childrens' food which is in short supply?

This has been a really interesting thread. I'm sorry if I didn't make the situation completely clear to begin with: I see how the confusion arose. But it's quite good it did, too, because it's thrown up lots of issues and I think what we're really talking, from the mix of reactions, is setting clearer boundaries.

I disagree that he's 'working' in an employment sense and 'getting less than the minimum wage', as really we made a deal we were both comfortable with - however weird it sounds, I give him a place to live and study while at the same time for us he's a sort of temporary member of the family - a feelgood factor to help take the pressure off me and make the kids feel less like they have this strung-out, wired mad single mum trying to juggle everything. A kind of rent-a-bro who can tell them where Timbuktu is or fight over the rest of dessert with.

Also their Dad is causing no end of stress and misery, and this guy helps by being simply a positive male presence. I have three girls and don't want them growing up thinking all guys are aggressive and unreasonable.

His rent-a-bro 'obligations' are only on four nights a week (btw often the kids aren't even home for the first couple of hours so the 16 hours is a very generous description of how much time he really does have to spend), and if he had any reason to swap around etc I'm flexible.
Also,I think if I did have a son his age (25), by now I'd be expecting him to make some kind of contribution to the household somewhere down the line. The problem is, a student is a dependent so that makes it trickier. I certainly don't want to fleece him: no way.

BUT on the other hand, maybe this is really a bizarre arrangement! Rent-a-young-man...I'm 47. I admit, not everyone would get it. I personally have no problems with him being with the kids: he's great with them and they make each other laugh.

For what it's worth, everyone seems happy. I'm nervous sometimes because I've let people take advantage of me in the past. I think I have to be clear about which food I need to save for certain meals and that's the bottom line.

But thanks, all of you, for your views on this.

I'm glad you clarified the situation a bit, and I hope it all works out.

It would probably be a good idea to keep some snack food/cheap meal options available for him for his off duty days and make it clear what to keep his hands off in that case.

tsunami You just sound petty to me. You have a good deal with this young man as previously stated you would pay a lot more for an aupair and have to provide bed and board. incidently a lady I once knew who ran an aupair agency always told her clients that she expected them to treat the aupair like an older child living in the family and not expect them to be used as nannies housekeepers ect.

sunshinenanny - sigh. It's a good idea to read the thread before jumping in. He isn't an au pair, for the last time. As far as I understand it, au pairs have to work. That's what they get money for. In my book, being around the house for a few hours and sharing an evening with a family (where someone else is responsible for providing all the food and the impetus for the kids) doesn't count as paid work. Hence the deal we have. I pay other people to do the work I can't do.

And, incidentally, getting personal isn't really a very productive way to contribute to a discussion board. Dare I say it, it's petty.

Why do you keep changing your name and your story? yourOP says one thing and then you have a different story underlastupenda?

tsunami, I have read the thread and am not aware that mumsnet has a deadline for when you can add a post.

In your original post you state that you are getting 16 hours of help but in a later post under a different user name you change this to less hours. In your original post you say "I'm not his mum" which you are not. but later you say "He's a sort of temporary member of the family" in your original post you say he's taking milk, cereal, bread and cheese, later you indicate its food for main meals. Which is it? if you didn't keep changing your name and story it would be less confusing.

I suppose the sensible posts are the ones that agree with you. but if you are expecting everyone to be in agreement with you then sorry but this is a discussion board and it's not going to happen.

Myself and other people who have mentioned aupairs are trying to point out that you are not as hard done by as you think.

While waiting fior one of my nanny jobs to start I took a job as an extra pair of hands and was well paid

I'm sorry you took exception to the word petty. But please! milk, cereal, bread, cheese; all fairly basic. Petty wasn't the first word that came to mind while reading your post but I considered the first thought too unkind to post. but then I am generous to people who come into my home. If you really have a problem with this then perhaps you should talk to the young man himself.