Au Pair issue what would you do?

[CookieLady]

Hi,

I anticipate being ripped to shreds on here, but, oh well my day can't get worse! My au pair doesn't seem to understand (even though I have translated it into her native language) that whilst she has every right to privacy she can't keep non-kosher meat in the mini-fridge her room nor can she leave her laptop open and logged on to her emails when she is meant to be watching over DS. Her response was "You can't control me. It's in my room". Furthermore, earlier today she left DS unattended in the kitchen with our dog which we explained on the very first day is unacceptable and could be potentially dangerous. When I spoke to the agency they were more interested in the fact that they would have to find her a replacement family and weren't very sympathetic about her stinking attitude. They have stated that we need to give her one week's notice. I don't want her in my home any more. We've gone out of our way to make her feel welcome and part of the family but she keeps harping on about how it's not her habit. I don't have any confidence in her and think that she may do something horrid just to be spiteful. Is giving her a weeks pocket money in lieu of notice and setting her up in a B&B okay?

Thanks.

Our two fab aupairs came from aupair world and although a laborious process, it worked for us !
But I do not treat aupairs like badly paid skivvies, always employ cleaners and ironers separately. And never, ever, ever march into their bedrooms to pull plugs. Baffled by that (and the letter which is at best inarticulate ranting)

My sister used au pair world and so far it's working out well. You don't rely on an agency to send you just anyone, you read their resumes and use your judgement to pick them.

cookielady - paying her a weeks notice and her flight home asap would be the best - and fairest course of action. Your AP has acted unreasonably, and your agency sounds awful. When I had to get rid of an unsuitable au-pair, my agency was very supportive and understood that having the right AP that you can live with was very important.

Out of interest who is your agency?

I've used agencies in the past, and found that they all offer different levels of service. Unfortunately many of them often send you every AP profile on their books, whereas there are a few that will take time to understand your requirements and preferences and filter out accordingly.

Good luck with finding another!

i second using aupair world website. there is a charge for a subscription but it is well worth it. our aupair arrived last night (our first ever) and she is beyond amazing....okay early days! but i can't believe how fantastic she is...maybe shes on her best behaviour! good luck in your search for a new one

I actually think that an aupair has the right to keep meat that is inline with her beliefs in her own room. Some people do not eat kosher meat prefering halal, or non-religiously slaughtered (I could not think of a better phrase) meat, and that is their business. They have to have the option of storing meat somewhere if they do not eat kosher. I find that banning someone from eating meat that is inline with their beliefs whether it be kosher, halal, or non-religious (again I need a better term), is a bit intolerant to be honest.
I also think that as she is a live in she has a right to use the electricity in her own room, and your were in the wrong to go in there and turn off the computer. If you have been going in the room to check what she stores in the fridge (why did she feel she had to hide her food from you in the wardrobe), then that was also wrong. It is her room and you have no right to go in there as the room is part of her employment package, and therefore hers.

I think that actually you;ve been very harsh to your aupair.

OP, if you have concerns about your dog and DS's safety then you should not have a dog. And as someone else said, your DH was also present so he should have been responsible for the dog not AP.
Your response to the agency is ranting and very unprofessional - it makes you look as though you are the unreasonable ones regardless of what AP has done.
IMO I feel quite sorry for AP as it would appear she is almost hiding in her room from an overbearing employer.

I feel that there has been a complete lack of communication by all parties. If AP is up in her room but you and DH are present in the house perhaps she thinks she is not needed.
The best course of action is to pay the AP her money and let her leave without anymore confrontations and unpleasantness.

Good lord. Your au pair sounds a bit useless, but you and your DH come across as barking mad.

If all this marching in and out of her room and getting irate about a laptop being plugged in all day (because of the cost in electrity???) is indicative of how pernickety and controlling you are in general, then I wouldn't wish your family on any young woman on her own in a foreign country.

I re-read your letter, and I think you might have to address your idea that a young girl who does not want a man marching into her room when she is out, is peculiar. If you have this attitude that you and your husband have a right to go into her room to check up on her you will continue to have problems with aupairs. If you do not give her a room which she can lock, then you have to respect her privacy. The idea that because you pay the mortgage, and electricity so you can go into her room and decide how much electricity she uses is not on.
I also think the au-pair is correct in that you are not respecting her religion by insisting that the only meat she can have in her own room, which is not your space as it is part of her employment package, has to fit in with your religion not hers.
I also think that she is not a nanny, so should only be providing basic childcare, more akin to babysitting so checking her email whilst keeping an eye on DS is not that bad.