Nanny giving notice while I'm pregnant - AIBU?

[JinxyCat]

Hullo!

Our nanny has given notice that she'd like to finish up, the reasons that she's given is that she didn't want to commit to a nanny share once I started maternity leave (as we couldn't afford to keep her on full time), and that she wants to think about going travelling.

She did say that she'd like to stay until the new baby arrives (I'm due 22OCT), as she doesn't want to leave us in the lurch, and that she is going to miss our DS1 who is going through a pretty adorable phase (always wanting cuddles and kisses).

So, I asked her if she could stay until the end of October, or the first week in November - as the baby could arrive either two weeks before or after my due date - and to let me know which of those dates she'd prefer. That was on Thursday (and she had a long weekend off).

Today she has said to my DH that she doesn't want to stay that long, and that she wants to agree a different date and then went out before actually saying what date she wanted (although apparently she mumbled something about a 'date in the middle).

Now I know that she's perfectly within her rights to have an end date which is four weeks after she's given notice (which would be end of September) - and that we are asking her to stay on for over double her agreed four week notice period.

However, I'm a bit peeved as I really do feel that we need her in those last few weeks, because I'm currently booked to finish work on 7 October and I don't want to be running around after my 2.5yr old when heavily pregnant, and we don't have any family who live nearby who could help me with childcare - so we'd have to get a temporary nanny, which would be hugely disruptive for DS1 - or do without any help (which scares me somewhat).

We do have a good relationship with her (or I thought we did!), and I thought she understood that we needed her at least until the baby arrives, and preferably at least one week after so that we can settle into a good routine before DH takes paternity leave (his job are being a bit touchy about when he takes PL b/c he has an important release date around that my due date).

I think I would understand more if she said that she had a new job which wanted her to start earlier than end October - but as far as I understand, she doesn't.

I'm annoyed because I thought that because she's live-in, she's more than just an 'employee' to us, we've really tried to treat her like one of the family, and it feels like she's letting us down in our hour of need.

Am I being unreasonable to want her to stay on until after my due date? And how should I raise this with her?

I have to say that I would feel that I would want to mention this feeling of being let down in any reference I gave her as well, of course I'd mention all the positive things which she's done - but I would want to say something like "we were very sorry to see leave, especially as she requested an end date which was before my due date as we would have liked her to stay on until the new baby arrived to minimise disruption to the household".

Maybe that's something I could say if called to give a verbal reference though...

Phew, that feels good to write down - pregnancy insommnia plus a whirling mind does not make it easy to sleep!!!

I think the release might mean the op works for a software company. Software is 'released'

Crikey ruining her reference is just plain nasty - this is actually a very simple case of you not getting your own way and putting your needs above those of someone else - you may feel you have the moral high ground with this but you did change her terms very drastically.

Lots of us cope with more than one child: look at it as character building rather than chucking your toys out of the pram because you cannot have exactly what you want.

If she doesn't finish until you have gone on maternity leave then she's not exactly leaving you in the lurch.

It's quite possible to be hugely pregnant and look after a 2.5 year old you know - whilst tiring for you it won't kill him to read books, watch CBeebies and play in the same room as you for a few weeks until you have the baby and your DH is at home with you.

You would be SO out of order to give her a snidey reference, and you should accept graciously that she has given you a notice date beyond that which she is required to do.

I think OP you sopund a bit hormonal. Do not panic I am sure you will cope you will probably enjoy this special time together. Just hire a cleaner and enjoy your children.

Your nanny has a life just as you do.

I see where you're coming from OP.

I'm a nanny and have been in a similar situation. I had planned to leave at the end of my 1 year contract, but then MB was pregnant again, due date a month before I was due to leave. Plus they were living in temp accommadation because their house was being extended. I stayed an extra 2 months, which gave MB time to get over a c-section, the older children time to adjust, the house was finished and a I was able to help with finding a new nanny.

I live-in and I do feel you become more than an employee. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask (or even expect) her to stay a few extra weeks to help with the transition of a new baby.

HOWEVER,

Although she may feel like more than an employee she isn't. She has every right to work her notice and leave. The reference thing would be just nasty (though I see you've said you won't give her a bad ref now).

In terms of how you should raise it with her...flattery gets you everywhere! Tell her how important she is to you and DS, how much better you'd feel if she'd stay etc. Also maybe ask if there's anything in particular making her want to leave (I agree with others that she may not want to be around with you at home full-time). If you make it clear you'll leave her to it and just need a bit of time to put your feet up she may reconsider.

I think its come as a bit of a shock and once you have time to digest it it wont seem so bad.I suspect she has deliberately done it so that you have finished work by time notice ends,she was probably thinking this was good compromise rather than leaving before you had started mat leave.
Maybe offer an incentive to stay til date you are happier with?

you will be on maternity leave by the time she leaves so you can look after your own ds and at 2.5 he should be quite capable of helping you out when it gets tough
I am an ex nanny and 34 weeks pregnant with a 19 month old and managing just about although my ds is very active and i am in pain at the moment but have to get on with it
It could also be that your nanny prefers sole charge and doesnt fancy working when you are off as it so much harder

what about a mother's help for a few weeks or a student needing experience?

You will be fine.

You will have two children

I am sure you and your OH will manage.

She is your Nanny, not your serf.

I can not beleive after all she has done for your family and giving her notice (which she has the right to do) in good time, you would even consider writing something so potentially damaging in her references, I think you are acting like a princess because you aren't getting what you want.

I was thinking about this a bit more today.

I don't know what you do professionally, but consider the following scenario. You are an excellent and highly skilled practioner and could get a fabulous job anywhere with ease. Your employer turns around and says, the company is undergoing some major restructuring because I thought it would take us in some really interesting directions. Your existing responsibilities will remain, but I want you to undertake three times those original responsibilities plus line manage all the individuals concerned, who don't know one another and will inevitably clash and need to establish boundaries/territories. Your job is to ensure they do that tactfully and positively. Oh, and you will also have two sets of bosses to report to instead of one, and those boses won't give a monkeys about the needs/desires of the other boss' teams, just their own. And instead of being wholly autonomous, one of those bosses will be around in person watching you work for almost a year.

Fancy it? Prefer to take one of those other enticing jobs you know you could take? Well, if you gave a really good amount of notice, so that they could replace you in reasonable time, then would you really think it fair of the employer to feel betrayed to the point that they considered screwing up your reference?

You do seem to feel like, well, my responsibilities are changing, why ca't hers? This isn't easy for me either. But that's the thing - they're your responsibilities because this is your life. It isn't her life. It's just her job. A nanny invests emotionally in her charges and they in her, and so of course the parents will too. But it is, still, just a job. You've lost sight of that.

Couldn't you ask your friend's 19 year old daughter (who sometimes babysits for you when your nanny isn't available) to help you out on an ad hoc basis? She already knows your DS, and you.

By the way, are you not worried that you may be putting potential replacement nannies off? I know that if I was job searching (I'm not) in London in October and I came across an ad for position caring for a 2.5 year old and a newborn, I'd be a bit wary of applying after reading what you intend to do with her reference. Just a thought.

Saying anything in the reference, verbal or otherwise, is nasty and cruel. And if you do, hopefully whoever that other person is will disregard such snitty comments.

If she has been a good nanny, and you have had no cause to discipline her, then you are bang out of order to defame her in a reference and you may find yourself on the losing side of an employment tribunal.

If you think you can get away with doing something like that verbally, believe me, you might get a nasty shock to find out your words have been passed on to the former nanny.

Just wrong.

Dont you think that the OP just blew it all up and has since calmed down in the later post. I think she is just panicking and as most of us could manage with ease a lot of women cannot just as I probably could not do her daytime job.

YABVVVVVU. The reference thing us extremely petty and mean and I can't believe you would even consider doing anything so nasty. She is perfectly entitled to leave when her notice period ends.