Not sure if au pair is a bit useless

[Migsy1]

Or whether I am expecting too much.
Au pair arrived almost 2 weeks ago. The first week I took her round and showed her everywhere. However, she would not go out of the house alone for over a week even though I told her one of her jobs is to collect the boys from holiday club. She did not open her bedroom curtains in all that time. She has shown no interest in the area in which we live (manchester) and although she said she wanted to attend language lessons she has not made any attempt to enroll even though I have found a suitable course for her and took her to enroll at another one which she didn't want to do in the end. She speaks little English so I thought language lessons might be a priority.

She collected the kids from holiday club today but when she is looking after them she does nothing with them and just hangs around downstairs. I work from home so I know what is going on and they constantly interrupt me. If she engaged them more, then they would not need me so much.

She does a little laundry but leaves it on the line and today she even used the tumble drier even though I told her to use the line unless it is raining. She is certainly not doing the 5 hours a day she is supposed to.

Everything is half hearted and there is no enthusiasm for anything. She chats on Facebook and Skype a lot in her own time and she sounds cheerful when chatting so I don't think it is because she is homesick and the agency said she sounded very relaxed when they checked up on how she was doing.

To make the situation worse, when she was "looking after" them today, my 10 year old son had an injury as he was wrestling with his brother. He now has a swollen cheek and a black eye. She seemed to find it a very amusing when I was giving him a compress etc and she heard me tell him that he was getting a black eye. If a child injured himself in my care I would not be laughing about it!

There seems to something odd about this girl. I just can't figure it out but it is really stressing me. The agency found it very odd that she would not go out of the house for the first week and that she is not interested in meeting up with other au pairs.

Aren't au pairs supposed to be a bit jolly and enthusiastic with the kids? She hardly interacts with them at all.

On the language classes I had trouble choosing one at 24 in another language! Doubtless if we move again I'll have the same issue. In a foreign language they chuck qualifications and acronyms with you and unless you know that you need to do a specific certificate you get lost with the array of TOEIC, TOEFL, IELTS, Cambridge FCE/PET/whatever....

Does she know what she needs to do? Do you know which classes (roughly) and what level she would be looking at? If her English isn't at all good not all schools will be suitable.

But if she's not connecting with the children then it probably won't work. Sorry :(

I think a lot of it is just a case of finding her feet and getting a bit of confidence in a new country. However, the fact that she isn't actually interested in the kids would be the deal breaker for me I'm afraid. I'm a big believer in trusting your instincts, and if you think there is something odd and it's not quite right, you are probably best going with your gut.

Fraktious - I have given her a lot of info about language classes and I took her for an assessment to see what level she is at.

IslaValargeone - In terms of the kids - On my way home from work today I stopped off in town (near where I live) and suddenly heard "Hi Mum, what are you doing here?" It was my 10 year old, unaccompanied - he had walked to our old house on the other side of town looking for a parcel that had been mis-delivered. He said he had been out for nearly an hour! She had let him go out of the house into town on his own. I gave him a good telling off for taking advantage but au pair was totally unconcerned that he had been out. I left my mobile No so she could have checked with me about whether or not it was OK to let him out. He could have been anywhere! As it happens, he hadn't really been in any danger but I was surprised to see him there.

Also, when I got home the kids were eating a chocolate sandwich. She said she did not know what to do with the frozen pizza I left for tea.

Hmmn. Also, the kids are going away with their Dad next week and she could not hide her excitement when I told her. Wrong reaction!!! (I would have kept my pleasure hidden)

Arghhhh

Either cut your losses given the incident with your 10 year old (which I would find very serious indeed) or give her a very detailed list of house rules. Including what to feed the children, how to heat the pizza, safety issues, etc. etc. Personally I think that it is time to alert her agency and start finding a replacement (if you really want to have an au pair or consider other options). Au pairs are quite hit and miss, you can have great ones (still with ups and downs naturally) or very poor ones. However, I would think that safety of the children is paramount and that has now been clearly breached with the latest incident (not considering the previous fighting incident, as this could have been an accident). Hope you can find a way forward.

Bloody hell! She let your 10year old out alone like that off her own bat?! Get rid. She clearly doesn't have the common sense she was born with.

I still think you'll need to practically sign up any au pair to language classes though. A lot of info can be more daunting than none. It's like toddlers - find out what they need, give them a choice of X or Y college, take them for the assessment and supervise them signing up for classes.

You are just delaying the inevitable. It will get worse. Get rid now.

I agree with Chandon re meal times, bedtime etc.

But to me the 'not going out for a week' sounds very strange. I would imagine that a 20 yo who decides to work abroad is full of excitment and wants to see everything and learn the language etc.
I arrived into uk night and i went straight to Piccadili circus , i couldn't wait until next day, i was bursting!

Sorry, but she sounds a bit odd. Are you sure she doesn't suffer from depression? The curtains not opened for a week is a sign.

i would say get rid. too much of wrong attitude.
but i have to say / you need to stress to aupairs that children in this country cant be left on their own until they are basically adults. in other countries ten year olds walk and travel on their own or cook their meals.

I'm thinking.... the motives for a young person coming here -or going to any other country- are: love for travelling, adventure, new culture, new language, fun, love for working with children, and money (if she was nanny instead of AP and if the english pound was strong like in my days).

She doesn't take advantage of any of the above .

Did something major happened in her life there?

I would have a good talk with her and try to find out. And i wouldn't rely on the agency.

She is not going to get any better. You should know if you have a dud within the first week. With this one, it is a no-brainer. She is not suited for the role. She will be a liability.

The decision could not be easier. With aupairs, if it is not working out, the sooner you move them on, the better.

Thank you for all your advice. I went out last night at 8:15 having got the children ready for bed. I was sitting in the cinema when my ES rang to say that AP could not get other 2 to bed. I had some conversations with youngest sons - giving them a warning of a severe punishment if they did not go to bed straight away - and it was sorted out. However, the point is that she cannot manage my children in any shape or form.

I am not going to leave them in her sole charge again as I think it is too risky.

The question is - how do I tell her that it is not working out? She is actually a nice girl, she is just not fit for the job. Thanks again for any advice.

Migsy - you've made the right decision to cut your losses. Her behaviour is worrying and she is clearly not up to the job. I had a very similar experience with an AP (coincedently from Hungary too), and my regret was not getting rid of her sooner. Since, I have been lucky to have two fabulous APs (and hopefully will have another starting in September). Having a great au-pair who pitches in around the house and genuinely loves children makes a truely harmonious atmosphere.

I would book her plane ticket as soon as possible and just tell her. Depending on your contract, pay her her notice period too. Then be ruthless about your recruitment process for your next au-pair. From the advice on here, I only ever go for girls with solid childcare experience - something beyond the usual babysitting, ideally looking for a career in childcare later, a good level of English and only from countries where I have friends who speak their native language fluently so that I can double check their references. The prospective au-pair is interviewed by me, DH and the the children over Skype so I can tell if they have a good rapport with the children. Additionally I invite the prospective au-pair for a weekend at our house.

A while ago on this board, I was advised by some lovely experienced host family mumsnetters that you know you have a good au-pair within a week. I now use this as my guide. Good luck with your next auu-pair - there are some great ones out there.

I agree, you have given her enough time. Having an Aupair is meant to make your life easier remember

Well, the update is that I phoned the agency to discuss it. They spoke to her in Hungarian and discussed my concerns. She had known that it was not going well with the children. I've given her a week to significantly improve and if she doesn't she knows she will have to leave. The boys are away with their dad this week, so I will be giving her a lot of advice/training. Then, she will have a week to prove herself. I've spent a fortune on recruiting her which is particularly annoying. It is my first au pair so I have learned a lot from this experience!

Good luck!

Did the agency say they would find you a new one?

It's funny about the 10 yr old being unaccompanied. Our dc's play with older children and it did occur to me last year to put this in the training manual, that our oldest D no matter what she says isn't old enough to walk alone to shops unaccompanied etc. But she is six. -We have a sheet on safety that we go through with them - maybe it's worth considering this? If you interested in what we include, PM me.

So what's happening, has she improved?