I have read a book thats got me scared.....How not to F*** them up Oliver James

[LaCiccolina]

I go back to work in September. DD will be just 9mths. I saw this chap, Oliver James, on Matthew Wright and as he was promoting a book and talked DH into getting it out of interest. A couple of his ideas seemed interesting at the time.....

It starts off ok enough, apparently there are 3 types of mother Organised/Hugger/Fleximum. Havent yet worked out which I might be but Im really quite concerned about the distinct hatred he obviously has for nurseries through the whole book.

Whilst Id love to be at home, I have to return to work for the time being. I am requesting an FWA. My parents will have dd for one day and nursery for 3. Im waking in cold sweats now about the nursery. If going to work wasnt scary enough and I feel guilty enough about this in the first place, this is nearly finishing me off. I was at least comfortable and hopeful about this situation. Now Im anything but....

His book continually cites articles where nursery is bad for under 3's. Its apparently shown that anything but 1:1 care is horrendous and probably will turn out sociopaths or kids in therapy. (Im egging a pudding a bit but it aint far off this threat!!)

I dont know any childminders, I feel (rightly??) that this is best by word of mouth and I dont know any mouths to recommend one in my area. Nursery for 3 days seemed a logical, hopefully safe option. Now as I say Im second guessing and panicking that my beautiful girl will be damaged, hate me, hate others, turn into a nightmare brat all because of 3 days a week.

Does anyone know of any studies that show the opposite view? ANY opposite view? Im trying to be logical that as plainly he hates them hes picked out information that only fulfills his personal world view point - nursery = hell hole, but does anyone have anything I can see now to tame my terrified imagination?

I cant talk to my dh about this. He would freak. I cant talk to a mate as nobody would know an answer. Im really hoping someone on here might know something to help me or just offer a professional word of guidance.

Thank you, xxxx

Meant 1 - 2.5 years, not months!!!

Also, none of the nurseries kept or published records of sick absence rates, which were also sky-high. in 18 months our (generally healthy) DD had 8 weeks off nursery sick.

OP, both you and your DD will be aboslutely fine, just make sure you're very happy with the nursery - totally agree with other posters, it has to be very good quality childcare

I work full time and went for a childminder (thinking 1-to-1 care) but soon regretted it, I think a nursery would have been better for my DS (long story, won't bore you)

3 days a week in nursery means you get 4 days with your DD - that's fantastic balance, a lot of mums (me included) would love to have that...

Yes, I agree Brainsurgeon, 3 days is great, I kept telling myself that DD had the majority of her time at home.

As far as I'm concerned, it's like the whole breastfeeding bottle feeding debate. It is undeniable that breastmilk is the best food for infants BUT it is likely that formula fed babies will grow up just as healthy so don't beat yourself up about it. I do not believe any man can tell women how best to bring up children.

I'm with the "Fling the book in the bin" camp. There are good and bad nurseries and day care everywhere.
Pop in to places unexpectedly, chat to the staff, ask how long they've been there and if they like it. Go with your gut instinct.

I think Oliver James is very anxious to tell mothers They Are Doing It All Wrong (and to make money out of it). He has admitted somewhere that his views are coloured by his own experience of being sent to boarding school as a very young child, IIRC. He cherry picks research that suits his arguments and completely ignores all the limitations of that research.

He has a point about the other end of life, wrt care for people with Alzheimer's, but that's because he has a MIL who is a dementia specialist and quotes her work. (He is entirely justified in quoting her work, btw, not arguing with that, just saying the only time he's right is when he's quoting a different person.)

I always wonder about this. Maybe someone has already said it on this thread. But if it's lacking 1:1 care that is harming these babies, what about mothers of triplets with a dh who works full time and can't afford extra help? That's care with a ratio of 1:3 same age, just like a nursery.