Would this potential summer job concern you?

[DaisyBug]

I'm a young nursery school teacher just looking for some casual work to keep me going over the long summer holidays.

I happened to find a promising-sounding job on a local notice-board from a couple wanting some help with a preschool-aged grandchild coming to stay for a few weeks. I went to meet them and all sounded well and good, until Grandma mentioned that the child's mother would be staying too. Being well-aware of the potential perils of shared-charge, I explained that, with four adults and just one child, I would want to be very clear in advance on exactly what everybody's roles would be.

Grandma was vague and kept saying things like, 'Well, our daughter is very quiet. Sometimes our grandchild doesn't listen to her like she should do.' I enquired as to whether hiring a nanny was partly to get some help with discipline as, again, if this were the case, I would want to be very clear on exactly what their expectations were and whether I felt they were realistic to achieve in such a short space of time. It became apparent that the daughter and child lived nearby and I suggested that a brief meeting would be a good idea, just to make sure that our styles were compatible and that everybody was happy with the arrangement. Grandma was very against this.

When pushed, Grandma eventually told me that her daughter has learning difficulties which mean that she struggles to manage with her child on her own. She got quite upset and seemed terrified that this would put me off. It honestly does not and I did really feel for her. However, it does concern me that she did not feel able to be upfront about this, especially as it would have been obvious to me when I started the job.

I expressed my sympathy and honest desire to help out as best as I can, provided I feel that I am able to. However, I have insisted on the meeting and also being able to speak to a carer who helps the family out regularly. It is important to me to know exactly what I'd be letting myself in for here. After all, looking after a pre-schooler is quite a different thing from helping a mother with learning difficulties look after a pre-schooler.

What do you all think? Have I been overly-pushy? I've worked in some quite cut-throat environments previously and have learned to cover my own back. Would this arrangement concern you? Grandma did express worry that the daughter would dislike me and that she would then be stuck. Without meaning to sound selfish, the job doesn't start for a while and I don't want to be left high-and-dry for the summer. I also have no desire to get caught up in somebody else's complex family feuds. Any tips for the meeting?

Many thanks in advance.

Surely you would never agree to that type of job before meeting those involved. Meet the mother first, then the the child. However, keep looking for other jobs in the mean time - they might have someone jump at the job tomorrow and you could miss out. DOn't hold out for them. Good luck

Thanks, I'm glad you agree on the importance of a meeting. Grandma kept saying, 'Oh dear, oh dear, I'd hoped you'd just say it was OK.' It's good to know I'm not being mad or being paranoid and fussy.

like with any nanny/childminding job you wouldnt take it on without meeting the child/parents, this is no different. it may put u off, it may not, but surely its better all round that if it does it happens before you start not after. she is probably worried because she has had experience of it putting people off in the past or she knows how her daughter copes round other people but you would find this out anyway if you will be working alongside her so best find out before you commit. meet the daughter/grandchild, assure grandma you would insist on this with any job you accept, go in with an open mind-she might have made it sound worst than it actually is, and good luck-let us know how you get on and if its your new summer job. x

Reading between lines, sounds to me like Mum can't cope and grandparents have said they'll look after child whilst mum sorts herself out/takes a break and now grandparents wants someone to help them because they won't be able to cope either with young child and their own daughter.. I can understand why she was very stressed and upset and trying to gloss over things.

Rather than insisting on meeting someone who is quite possibly at the end of her tether, sounds like it might be best to make the role an 'off-premises' type of role, whereby you take the child out every day for a range of activities and don't spend much time at all at the grandparents' house. I imagine that would be ideal for them: you give their GD a range of activities - swimming/picnics/soft play etc and they give their D a break and look after her.

If you're happy to do that why not phone and suggest it to them?

I think you're quite right to want to meet all parties - I would never take a job without meeting the children for a start.

Also you really need to clarify your role - are you supporting the mother in caring for the child, or are caring for the child so the mother has a break?

Hmm, not sure what to do. I've now met the mother and child and, in truth, my gut feeling wasn't great. The meeting basically consisted of me playing with the child for half an hour whilst the mother sat and looked grumpy. My attempts to engage her in conversation didn't get very far and, yes, it was clear that there were discipline problems. So not at all the straightforward job I had thought it was when I first saw it advertised.

I would feel so awful turning it down though and having wasted their time. Would I be able to find something else at this stage, do you think?

dont think you have wasted their time at all.. lots of undercurrents here.. are social services involved???? personally I would run...

could you do it on a part time basis? e.g. take child out for 2/3hours every day (or just few times per week) to library/softplay/park/swimming etc so you dont have to deal with the shared care issue so much, and grandchildren & mum get some child-free time?

*grandparents not grandchildren!

It sounds to me like the grandparents are being quite interfering in their daughter's life. They feel she isn't coping and would like someone to come in and support her with discipline. But the mum clearly wasn't happy about having you involved- if she doesn't want your help, or feel that she needs it, you won't be able to get anywhere.

I agree with the pp, you could offer to provide some regular childcare to give the mum a break, but I wouldn't agree to any kind of behaviour support if mum isn't keen.

Thanks everybody. Yes, I'm guessing that social services are involved as there was some kind of carer there when I visited the mother and child at home. Unless the grandparents just pay for that independently - I don't really know how these things work. I'm unclear as to exactly what the mother's learning difficulties involve and I wouldn't feel very comfortable asking grandma to clarify further.

Good suggestion about me taking the child out for 2-3 hours a day, but I'd really like to find something full-time. I spoke to an agency earlier who said it's still early for summer positions and that they often don't come in until June.

I've not heard from the family so perhaps mum is being difficult anyway. I need to stop agonising so am going to email grandma now and tell her in the nicest possible way that it's a no.