Not trusted?

[LibbyLou123]

I have been childminding for 10 years, have a really good relationship with all of the children and parents and thouroughly enjoy my job.

I have one little boy who is 4 who I have full time, and have had since he was a baby. His mother has OCD and feels the need to keep checking up on things all the time. (Eg - if she makes plans, she checks with the person several times to make sure it's still ok. She has to go round the house and make sure all the lights are off a few times before she leaves the house. If there's something she wants to watch on TV and she is out she will check lots and lots of times that it's definitely set to record etc) I get a few texts a day from her to check that he's alright, which has never bothered me before as I know she finds it hard not to text me to check up on him.

She works in the office at the doctors surgery opposite the school where I've recently started to collect an older child at the end of the day, and always comes running out to see him when I collect the older child from school. I always tell her the same thing....he's had a really good day, has been happy, eaten well, played nicely with the other children etc.

I know she cant help it as she has OCD, but it makes me feel like I'm rubbish at my job and can't be trusted. And it makes me wonder what the other parents think, as they obviously don't know that she has OCD and I worry that they just think she really doesn't think I'm very good at looking after him as she has to run out every day when she sees me to check he's alright.

I've never had any problems with her child, we have a good relationship, he happily comes to me every morning and always has a good day, goes home happy and tells her that he enjoys coming to my house to play with the other children. And she always tells me that she's happy with things too and is really glad she's got me as she wouldn't trust anybody else to care for him.

She's always checked up on him (and me!) this much but I think it's bothering me more and more as I now do the school run and other people can see her checking up, as if she doesn't trust me. I worry that it puts me in a bad light.

I'll also have 2 vacancies for children in September as I have 2 children that will be starting school, and anyone that might initally be interested in those places from the school for their younger children, might be straight away put off by the fact that it looks like this Mum doesn't trust me.

What would you do?

.....poor you. Her OCD means that once she has started a checking pattern it will be difficult for her to stop running out but it might be possible for her to replace it with another less intrusive behaviour eg a timed text or phone call in the short term. It's not easy but you need to be really up front and decisive with her...tell her it is a busy time for you as you are picking up another child and need to 1) be on time, 2) give him/her your full attention as s/he transitions from school to your care and 3) that you find it difficult to be interrupted at this point in your day. I'm going to sound really cold here ( and I really am not) but the nature of OCD is that the sufferer is getting a quick "fix" from the checking behaviour and in the long term the more she is able to resist such behaviours (even if it is just this once a day) the better and more healthy her life will be. You are not being cruel to ask her to respect your working day...she is resisting the urge to check things all the time or she would not be able to go to work herself...it is about setting boundaries that you can live with. You sound like you are such a lovely person and have accommodated her checking amazingly so don't feel embarrassed about doing this. I doubt the other mums at the school have really noticed...they will more likely see her as paranoid rather than doubt your competence anyway as the children are obviously happy with you. Be strong and see if you can break the checking pattern before half term then she's got a full week when you are not up at school to pracice without the temptation. Best of luck!

I categorically agree with everything Joruth says... especially the bit about parents not noticing, they will asume she is a bit ott..

and definatly the bit where you may have to tell her that you cannot give her attention at that time of the day as your priority is the childrens safety... school pickups are a real danger point with parking, walking and coralling excited/tired children anyway.

just a query, doesnt the child get upset at seeing mum but not going home with her.? but i suppose he is used to it himself.

you are so good, not sure my cming patience would wear this well...

Thanks for the advice. It's very difficult for me to tell her that I haven't got time to talk to her, as I am just standing waiting for the gates to open (I always get there early as I'd hate to be late) so she can see that she's not really stopping me from going anywhere. She always goes as soon the gates are opened, so it's not a huge problem in the fact that she may be holding me up or distracting me. It's more the fact that I feel embarrassed because it's giving other people the impression that I'm not very good at my job because I need to be checked up on all the time.
But I agree, I definitely need to say something about it, as it is bothering me more and more. (I'm really not very good at putting my foot down about things like that, I'm usually pretty laid back)
And to be honest, the child never seems to get upset and want to go with her luckily. I've had him since he was a baby, so I suppose it's just normal for him to be with me in the daytime and he does seem to enjoy being at my house.

And, completely seperate issue, but I do also worry that she might be passing this behaviour onto her child, as he was a really happy confident baby and toddler and seems happy and relaxed when I've got him at home but seems very anxious and seems to worry, when I do something new or different from our usual routine. Although this obviously might just be a stage that any child goes through.

i don't think people will think badly of you at all - they probably just think she's an over bearing Mum, you know she's happy with your care and she has told you she trusts you and wouldn't trust anyone else - OCD is a terrible affliction to live with it is also hard for al those involved :(
just smile and keep going :)

Absolutely, I can't imagine that anyone is going to think that this is a reflection on you. DO talk to her, otherwise it is going to spoil what has been a really great supportive relationship for her and her child and make you very miserable. You are not being nasty...everyone has to have boundaries...even people with OCD and you are a very, very important person in her child's life and therefore in hers. If it's hard to say face to face, why not write her a note explaining how difficult it is for you to say this but how important it is?...that way you won't be worrying about saying the wrong thing...take the half term break as your motivation....she can't meet you at the gates than so it's a perfect time to stop the checking behaviour

It is very likely that her behaviour is causing stress to her child, it is very hard for children to continue to feel safe and confident when their parent does not. Hopefully she is having counselling to help her and she will be aware of the affect she may have on him. For your part if you can stay away from too much predictability and keep challenging her son with new experiences he will be protected from at least some of his mum's problems because he will internalise the positive experiences with you and the way you deal with situations and it will help him enormously.