How do I handle this 3 year old girl?

[Quasimojo]

She is 3.5 and has been with me for just a month now, but Im finding her a bit hard to deal with. She pushes my buttons for some reason. Specifically, she seems to enjoy annoying or hurting other children. She will hold something out of arms reach and taunt another child with it, jumping around laughing. Or push her baby sister over and laugh when she cries. Or hold baby's hand/arm too hard so it hurts. Again, thinks its funny. Today her and another boy had an argument over a toy and he snatched it, so I asked him to give it back. So she jumped around waving it at him laughing. Drives me mad. Perspective needed please!!

I am not an expert so you might get better advice. However, I would make teasing/taunting a strict 'no rule' within your setting. Explain this is not acceptable and you will expect an apology for this kind of behaviour. If it continues I'd speak to the parent too.

It's not very appealing behaviour is it? But no doubt it stems from wanting attention, so the best way to deal with it is probably to remove her and pay her no attention whilst giving loads of attention to the injured party. Do find out from her parents whether this is normal for her and if so, what they do.

Her behavior is unpleasant but entirely normal for a child with a younger sibling. TBH it sounds like you have an issue about her, because it's normal behavior. tell her off for it if you don't like it.

I'll also add that you should be very specific with her about the behavior you don't like, and be sure she understands you,. SO regarding the teasing, you say "When someone has been made to give you something, you donot jump up and down and shout ahhh haaa I got it and you haven't and you got told off, ahhhh hhhaaaa!!!"

But, TheProvinciallady, she will whisper stuff or goad when she thinks Im not looking. So not entirely attention seeking.

Colditz - yes, already fessed up that it pushes my buttons. However, she is so unresponsive when told off. Just looks at me vacantly and smiles in a butter wouldnt melt way. Im sure its normal, just looking for advice on how to approach it.

i actually dont think this is 'entirely normal' when a child has a sibling.. I mind 2 sets of siblings and in both cases each older child is lovely to the younger one... in fact almost too spoiling... also I have 4 dcs and have never found the older ones systematically spiteful.. all have moments but i will say that she sounds a somewhat nasty child...(doesnt mean theres a reason for it though of course)

however as a cm I would definatly intervene.. taunting is as bad a smacking so a definate no no and for me... here she would be removed from the plauy room for such behaviour and sat on the step to consider life and apologise...

this is NOT normal imo.. get parents on board or you might as well give notice.. all got to treat this very seriously.. if she does this at home and parents dont correct her or think its ok then you wont win.. if its one thing learned as a cm its that parents have to back you up.. if they dont ..forget it and give notice..

for me I couldnt tolerate one child upsetting all of the others and I couldnt work with a child I didnt like...

Im glad you say that thebody...it doesnt quite feel right. yes, think that i need a chat with parents soon.

I'm going to watch this thread with interest as will soon be minding the sibling (11 month old) of a 2.8yr old and the older child spends all his time hitting, lying on top of and pushing over the younger one.

But I've only observed them together with mum present, not sure if the older one is just showing off (to who I don't know).

He will soon get the message that he does not do that kind of thing in my house

As a mother I would be implementing a strict no warning time out policy on this one. Can't bear it, mine are older now and I always pick them up on being unkind but at that level it would be zero tolerance as it sounds like a very ingrained habit.

I am not sure this will work for you, but my sons preschool is applying Carolyn Webster-Stratton The Incredible Years methodology to deal with problem behaviours.

yep definatly approach parents first.. if partners and they think its wrong then you will sort this child out.. because at the moment she isnt behaving normally at all imo..

if not then you are on a hiding to nothing..

dont risk the children you have for one problem child if parents not on board....good luck.

Ooh I was just about to come on and mention The Incredible Years books - I think there are different ones (one for parents, one for teachers etc) so you should be able to find one that is best for you.

I don't think it is as abnormal as thebody feels it is.

My DD2 is middle child. DD1 is 5.5, DD2 is 3.9 and DD3 is 2.1.

DD2 is terrible for saying 'you're not doing x' or behaving similarly to the girl you describe. DD2 is a lovely girl, but hasn't yet finished learning that some behaviours are just inappropriate. Full stop.

I do agree with the zero-tolerance sentiment. DD2 has to aplogise before I count to 3, or she sits on the naughty step. No exceptions. I don't care how tired/hungry/upset whatever she is - if she has the ability to be unkind to someone else, she has the ability to sit for 3 minutes on the naughty step.

I think it is just a natural, unpleasant, trait that some children have, and need to be trained out of.

However, the other thing I would point out is that these children do KNOW it isn't acceptable. I had DD2's pre-school parent-teacher consultation today, and they say that she NEVER screams, and ALWAYS shares, etc. She knows what is acceptable in public, and saves her less desirable traits for home where she is safe :)

yes I wouldnt disagree with anything Lougle says, obviously you are a fantastic parent who would be a pleasure to work with... i was really commenting on the poster who says this is completely normal behaviour..

I also agree with you totally that even young children know if something is essentially right or wrong..

sure dd2 will grow out of this due to your sensible approach now..

Thanks for the replies everyone. I think my issue Lougle is that I feel she does understand exactly what shes doing, rather than she hasnt yet learnt about inappropriate-ness. Hence the whispered taunting when my back is turned. I know another child who is very rough with her younger brother, but it comes across as over exuberance with her, rather than mailiciousness.

Her baby sister is super cute and mum (and everyone else tbh) super dote on her so Im guessing theres some jealousy involved. I am going to try making more of a fuss of her paired with zero tolerance of teasing etc and see how we go. I will check out that link too Queen, thanks.

Quasimojo I think your final paragraph is spot on. Zero tolerence and no attention for the teasing behaviour (probably wouldn't give the other children lots of attention at this time as this will be very difficult for her if she is jealous - perhaps just get on with the activity you were doing). But I would also try and give her lots and lots of very positive attention and praise during all the other times (even for silly little things you notice). She sounds quite bright and if you are very consistent she will soon figure out the best way to get attention. The Webster Stratton books are brilliant.

By the way I think it is great that you are aware that she pushes your buttons. Much better to be aware of these feelings and work with them! Good luck