DD grumbling about nanny doing as I've asked... Advice needed.

[azazello]

Our nanny started with us just before Easter. DD is just 4 and goes to a school based nursery which is mornings only. During the holidays everything seemed absolutely fine but since she started back, she has been grumbling a bit about not liking the nanny.

I've tried gently asking what the problem is and as far as I can establish, DD doesn't like our nanny because she a) won't let her have her dummy in the daytime, even for a nap (please imagine in an outraged 4yo voice) and b) wants her to go out and do things like go to the playground. When we first offered her the job, I said I would like her to do both of these. DD has said she wants to be looked after by her old nanny who let her watch tv all afternoon and let her lounge around in front of screens all day (and this was one of the reasons we parted company).

As far as I can tell, the nanny is putting a lot of effort into thinking of fun things to do and keeping both DD and DS active and entertained. I wholeheartedly support the nanny on both DD's objections and on a) noone allows her to have the dummy in the daytime.

Is think likely to be a patch of being unsettled given the bank holidays/ just back to school thing or is it something I should mention to the nanny? If the latter, I wondered whether to suggest a bit of TV when DD is first in from nursery to let her wind down. Any thoughts?

She's 4. She is trying it on to see how far she can push the boundaries of new nanny. Of course she wants the old nanny who let her watch telly all day. But, as her parent, you know that';s not what is best for your f year old. So, I would go out of my way to show DD and the nanny that you support the nanny. Tell your DD that nanny is in charge when they are both in the room and the nanny is on duty.

This morning I got a 5 year old banging on the bathroom door whilst I was in the shower. Au pair had told him he couldn't take his scooter to school. So, he came to me to see if he'd get a different answer. Au pair said "I told him no." And so I looked at DS1 and said, "There's your answer." And he screamed for a sort period.

I think your DD misses her old nanny but she will move on soon enough. You might want to make sure nanny and 4 year old have some fun things to do to help them bond. Whatever your 4 year old likes. Go to the cinema? Out for Pizza? Swimming?

Thanks very much. I know you're right - just panicking because I thought everything was working really well and now DD is moaning!

There are a few things that DD identifies as really really amazing treats which I'll mention to the nanny and see if she can organise (going to the carwash for e.g!). I'll get home early tonight and try to have a chat with her.

I would suggest that nanny does not take your DD home after nursery. Instead they go out for a picnic lunch at the playground, or whatever other activity is planned for the afternoon.

The going home, then going out again bit I find can cause problems like you describe. Children are perfectly happy to be out and about but once home, they tend to want to stay there.

Summer time is ideal for outings straight after nursery as picnic lunches, or afternoon tea can be great outdoors.

Consistency is vital, so if you have decided DD is not to have a dummy anymore during the day, then everyone in the household has to follow that rule. She will naturally try to challenge the rule to see how far she can push her luck... so nanny is doing the right thing by saying no.

Thank you, Nick. DD is inclined to be sluggish at the best of times and I find it hard work getting her out again so will suggest more picnics etc.

I agree completely with the nanny about the dummy and am pushing very hard to get DD to give it up. At the moment she hides them round her room and you can catch her in a sort of gollum state cuddling it...

My plan is to let nanny know that DD is trying to play people off against each other a little bit with what she is allowed to do, and that she is right. If possible, I'll confirm about the dummy and going out while DD is listening so at least I get the blame for my requests!

Its just ridiculous though, the nanny seems to be doing really well, the children do lots of fun things and everything is working much better and then DD starts whinging about the changes, and I panic a bit in case it actually isn't good and is all going horribly wrong.

I'd let her watch a bit of telly. Nursery is tiring - or so my dd used to tell me, so I'd let her watch a programme or two after her morning session at nursery and then we'd pursue more worthy pursuits afterwards.

(Is it pursue or persue?)

Just a parents perspective - 4 years are like that anyway -ie testing bourndries and playing people off against each other - but my DS was really really tired after pre-school and a bit of TV afterwards really worked - he used to moan about going out again but normally enjoyed it when he did but we didn't go out every afternoon by any means - she would probably enjoy some afternoons of a bit of TV and then things like drawing, playing garden etc - I assume you have a younger one so I guess the nanny takes him out in the mornings anyway

Thank you both, I have an 18 month old DS who loves being outside/ playing in the garden and at parks and can get a bit stir crazy at weekends while we encourage DD to get moving.

I'm not going to tell the nanny that DD has been complaining about her, but might say that she's been getting very tired and would some tv immediately after the school run be an option some days.

I would stop worring about it being a problem with the nanny, it's simply a problem with DD. It's a bit unfair that the new nanny has been the one who has had to enforce these new rules while the old nanny was able to let her watch TV etc - it was bound to cause a problem :)

I think all you need to do is say 'DD I told 'nanny' that you are not allowed your dummy and that there wasn't going to be any TV in the afternoons, 'nanny' is just doing what Mummy said and that's that. There is no point in complaining about it, because those are the rules'.

DD is 4 - so she could be at school full time. Morning nursery isn't so exhausting at this age that they need to spend the afternoons wiped out on the sofa - that will come when she starts school Personally I'd stick to the 'not TV' rule until then, the weather wont be so great and she will be tired so you can 'relax' the rules then.

IMO if you start 'relaxing' the rules about it now she will think all she has to do is complain to you about the things your nanny does and she will get her own way... the road to ruin if you ask me

Marvellous. Thank you so much. It is immensely reassuring although going to be very disappointing for DD . I'll reassure the nanny that she has my full support and reinforce this whenever DD complains.