Is there a half-way house between an au pair and a nanny?

[aliceinlalaland]

I work freelance and part-time, I can do most of my work from home but have the occasional office day and I have a 14-month-old and a 3YO. I'm finding it really hard to find the ideal childcare set-up and would appreciate some advice:

At the moment we have an au pair, I deliberately chose someone a bit older than the average au pair (she is 25 and a trained nurse) and I pay her more than the going rate because the children are so young. She takes DD1 to nursery in the morning and picks her up at lunchtime (DD1 does 3 mornings a week) and looks after DD2 at home in the interim while I work upstairs - on the mornings when DD1 is at home, she has them both and generally plays with them at home or sometimes takes them to a stay and play or to the park. On the occasional office days that I do (maybe 2 or 3 a month) - she has the kids in the morning at home and then my mother comes to help her in the afternoon (and I then give her a different day off that week). So, that's how it works currently, but I just don't feel comfortable enough with the situation that I feel I can completely switch off when I am working. So the result is that when I'm working I'm thinking about childcare and not properly concentrating and then when I'm with the kids I'm thinking about the work that I haven't finished.

Am I expecting to much for an au pair? (Albeit an older au pair who I pay extra.) And if so, what are the alternatives? My working hours are a bit unpredictable and I don't think a nanny would give me enough flexibility (plus, for what I earn, I don't think it would make sense financially). Is there something in between the two?

Would appreciate any feedback/thoughts/experiences/ideas.

Thanks, ladies

Bump

what about a mother's help?
or a nanny with own child

Sounds like a Mother's Help is what you need, I think thy tend to fall between the two but others will know better than I do.

Aha, thanks, ladies. Googling mother's help now?

I don't feel the job title makes a difference, call them what you like. The job description and the salary on offer for doing that work I feel are the important things. You will also need to consider if it needs to be someone who lives at your home, or comes to your home.

nannynick I think that's spot on actually, thanks. I'm very happy to pay whatever it takes for the right person just want to make sure that everyone is happy at the outset with role/pay etc But I'm assuming that the flexibility I'm looking for is more likely to come with someone who is live-in and looking for more of an au pair set up than doing it as a full-time career i.e. if it is their full-time job they will need to know exact hours so that they can book in work for the times when they're not with me, which (understandably) makes them less flexible?

Your current au-pair:

Takes DD1 to nursery in the morning
Looks after DD2 at home in the morning
Picks DD1 up at lunchtime
If DD1 isn't at nursery... then has both DD1 and DD2 in the morning
On say 3 days a month, has DD1 and DD2 all day.

So looks to me as though part of the job is fixed hours, the mornings.
Is it 5 days a week?

Having someone live-in may well make sense, as then they are more able to cover those occasional afternoons you need. Contract wise, perhaps you could work out typical hours per month (say with 3 full days), set those hours then if you need a little bit more that can be done as overtime. If you need less, then you can take advantage and go shopping, to the health spa, get your hair cut etc. That way you can then work out holiday entitlement, pay, that sort of thing based on the contracted hours per month.

Live-out could work if you knew well in advance when the full-days would occur. Though would need someone who was able to be flexible.

Can't see why you couldn't call them a Live-in Nanny as the job seems to involve mostly childcare.

What aspect of the care your current aupair is providing that you are uncomfortable with? In particular, how is she with the dd2 on her own?

I have a part-time nanny, 2 days a week, who does similar things to yours (though she looks after them by herself for the whole day - 7.5 hours). I also work at home but occasionally have to be somewhere else. I feel very comfortable with her. We are mutually flexible - she works for another family where the mother does shifts, so that family get first dibs on days, then i arrange my days with her, but if i know a month or two in advance i need a particular day then i book it with her and she tells the other mother to avoid that day. Because i work at home, if something comes up with nanny at last minute (family problem etc) i can cope with her not coming and we arrange another day. DCs adore her. No arrangement is perfect but ours works well. I got her through a normal nanny agency. She is younger than your au pair, but very responsible and I trust her.

I don't know if they still do this, but when my three older children were smaller (about 2, 4 and 5) I had an Au Pair Plus for a couple of years. The rate then (this was 1998 - 2000) for an Au Pair who did 20 hrs per week and one or two nights babysitting (rarely used) was £50/week and Au Pair Plus was £80/week. For this Plus bit I had 30 hours care and a couple of nights babysitting.

She would walk the children to school/nursery after I had got them up/fed etc. Then she would collect the younger two (then one) from nursery at noon, older one(s) from school at 3.30, before I got home from work around 5.30. I didn't expect her to do anything else for me really but she often just did bits like ironing and sorting the kids' rooms out for me. In the holidays she was happy to have them all day and would only take an extra £30/week no matter what I tried to give her.

I rarely used the babysitting bits (I was on my own with the children).

Still in touch with her now and oldest DD is almost 18.

Wow - this is very useful, many thanks all.

nannynick - you're right, at the moment, the hours are pretty set. But it does vary and there will be times when work is very quiet and I'll need them less, and times when I'll need them a bit more. Also, if for example I get caught up at work, or have to do an interview at v short notice, it's much more likely that someone live-in will be able to accommodate that. Part of the problem is that DH works v long hours and is just not available at all during the week for childcare/pick-ups etc so everything childcare-wise is down to me.

blueshoes - good question. TBH I think a lot of it is down to her personality, she's never been away from her home, which is very rural, and has really struggled with city life (we are in London) - she doesn't go out and just generally seems very unhappy. Also she gets tired very easily and just seems physically exhausted by looking after small children, which is understandable but makes me worried about overloading her. She's actually great with the DDs, very gentle and I feel that they are safe in her care but I suppose I'm just not sure that she is happy with the arrangement and despite constantly asking her if x, y, z is ok I just feel somehow that she is struggling with it in some way. So, it may just been down to the individual but I also know that au pairs are not meant to have sole care of very little ones so just trying to pin down exactly what it is I do want before contacting the agencies.

wolfhound - I have thought about nanny shares too, could you recommend a good agency?

boosmummie - she sounds great

Anyway, I think probably I need to explain exactly what I want (regardless of job title) contact au pair & nannying agencies, see if they have someone who would fit the bill and then ask for a recommendation on pay etc

BTW, what should I be expecting to pay an au pair or nanny agency? And which are the best ones?

alice, I would veer towards an nanny if the hours are long e.g. 10+ hours a day. But since you break it up and give her a break of sorts in the afternoon, I think you could find a better suited aupair plus (as boos suggests) for the role.

You can specify the hours you require the aupair to work. But I think realistically, you would not want her to work more than 10+ hours straight (as a normal nanny would do) and suggest you limit her hours to a max of 7 a day, simply because these young ladies are not childcare professionals and therefore, as employers we have to be understanding about how long we can expect untrained aupairs to work. I don't know how long a day your aupair actually does but just wondering whether that is feasible.

On the days that your mother comes in the afternoon, could you build in a fixed time for the aupair in the afternoon for her to use as she pleases, it might help to recharge her batteries.

If you needed her for more than 7 hours a day due to unexpected demands of your work, then you could pay her extra - which psychologically is easier for her to cope with since she knows is occasional and she gets an uplift on her salary.

Another alternative to a nanny is if you put dd2 in the same nursery as dd1 for the morning and then use the aupair for the nursery run. She could do a little housework in the morning when they are at nursery - which gives her a break from childcare and can take the rest of the time off. Then looks after them after she picks them up.

If your aupair does not seem happy, that is not a good sign. I would take that as the job not being a good fit for her, rather than the aupair role being inherently unsuitable for your requirements. In my last bad luck run, I had to change aupairs 3x before I found the right person. It is very much dependent on the personality and fit of the girl and with aupairs always that much more hit and miss. But when it works, they are gold and you would wonder how you ever managed without her.

I don't think finding the right nanny is necessarily much easier - so much depends on the actual candidate - but perhaps the hiring is less hit and miss because you can have more reliable references.

Hi blueshoes - the occasions where I'd need her for 10hrs would be v rare. And where our current au pair has done, say a 7 hour stretch or more, my mother has been here to give her a break as you suggest.

For the most part though, the nanny/aupair/whoever we get, would have afternoons off and just do 5 hours in the morning. I think what I'm probably after is an au pair plus with previous childcare experience who I will pay accordingly. I should add that we've had two au pairs before this one both of whom loved being here, loved London, still keep in touch etc but the situation was a bit different then i.e. first time I just had DD1 and always worked from home, second time I had DD1 and newborn DD2, so the au pair for the most part just had to play with DD1 while I had DD2/caught up on sleep/did a bit of writing from home? So my needs have changed and I just want to make sure I find someone who meets my needs but who also I'm treating completely fairly.

Anyway, your thoughts have been v useful indeed, thank you

By the way, do you expect an au pairs to muck in with some housework outside their 25hrs, just as an extra adult living in the house? Has always been a bit of a grey area for me?

Try advertising on gumtree? I know plenty of people in my old part of London (Clapham/Battersea) that have found wonderful nannies/au pairs basic and plus.

Light housework is par for the course for aupairs. It is difficult to find aupairs that are good at both childcare and housework, as they are different skill sets. Be clear in your job requirements what you want the aupair to do.

I would not compromise that the aupair must be good with children, but am prepared to close one eye on the housework front - don't expect professional cleaner standards!

I have generally used gap year aupairs, so younger, around 18-20 years of age. Perhaps an older ex-nurse might baulk at a changed job description to include housework. She does not sound like the right aupair for your family anyway.

I don't think looking after 2 is necessarily fundamentally different from looking after 1, especially since dd1 is 3 years old. I started using aupairs when my dd was 4 and ds was 1, in tandem with school/nursery.

In your case, it sounds like a perfectly reasonable role to expect an aupair to fulfill. You might have to probe your current aupair a bit more and try to pinpoint how things can improve for you both. I have not known aupairs not to move on if they were unhappy - quite the opposite. Is she trapped in her circumstances? Can she not find a better job especially since she is 25 and has nursing skills. I am not saying being your aupair is not great, just that aupairing inherently does not pay enough to be a real job. I would expect any reasonably good aupair to want to move on at some point.

boosmummie - gumtree is a v good idea

Blueshoes - agree on the relaxed approach to the housework front. We have a cleaner who comes once a week - but I do ask her to muck in with the daily stuff by unpacking the dishwasher, empty bins in the morning and hang up one washload a day, which she doesn't seem to mind at all but it's done within her 25 hours. I don't have too many concerns on that front, was just wondering really.

I have asked her if she is happy to stay until July when she was 'booked' until and she's said she is happy too. Her reason for coming was to learn english because she wants to look into a career change (possibly as a medical secretary) when she gets home and thinks that English will help. Perhaps you are right about the pay, but when I have given her extra because I've felt it's been a difficult week or she's had to do a few more hours than usual, she hasn't initially seemed to want to take it. She did say when I asked her that she doesn't think she'll ever want to leave her country again so I think a lot of it comes down to just being a home-bird. She talks a lot about how different the culture is here and how much better x, y, z is at home. But actually the situation is not disastrous, I can live with things as they are for now - and it seems that she can too. It's just that I want to make sure I find a more satisfactory arrangement next time so that I can relax about it and not constantly be worrying about whether she is ok/resentful.

I also will, in future, be looking for someone with a bit more English because that has been a bit of a barrier this time.

Alice, if you only have to July with this aupair, it makes sense to stick with it if there is nothing fundamentally wrong with the arrangement.

Does she have time to take English lessons? My current aupair's English is passable. There are occasions (far more than I like) when she will get the complete opposite meaning of what I/dh are saying or say 'yes' when in fact she did not understand. Her English did not really improve in the leaps and bounds I was told it should (from others). I helped set up English lessons for her, which gives a more formal basis for improving her understanding. There were also exams she had to take which gave her a sense of achievement.

From personal experience, aupairs from Scandinavia, Germany, Austria have a higher level of English.

Another time-saver is to find an aupair with previous aupair experience in an English speaking country for which you can get a telephone reference from their previous family. That way, there is less risk of homesickness, disorientation from living with another family, difficult live-in habits, reliability and of course their childcare and housework abilities. The fact that they are able to furnish a reference in the first place means they managed to impress at least one other family.

alice - i used Tinies - they're a national chain but prob depends a lot on what your local branch is like. i registered with a few agencies, and they were the ones to come up with the goods.

I think the job you have created is fine. There is a place between au pair and nanny (I too have such an arrangement). It sould like your particular employee is perhaps not the best candidate. I must say she doesn't sound terrible either. Just not your perfect employee. But, this can be the case fore any employee in any job.

July is a great time to hire your next employee. And I would sencod the earlier comment on the excellent English skills of Germans. We recently had a German au pair whose English was better than most English people I know. Apparently, lots of German teachers like to come to the UK to practice their English before taking there first teaching placement. Perhaps you could find one of them?