Protecting our nanny from our neighbour

[Simic]

We employ a wonderful nanny. Today our next door neighbour rang on the doorbell wanting to chat to her and making unwelcome compliments. The background to this is that our neighbour has a mental illness and is known to the police for stalking and grievous bodily harm to women with whom he has been in a relationship. We told our nanny when she first started with us all we have been told about him and all he has told us (we know very little which he has confirmed to us - although we have been warned by two separate women who allege that he has stalked and physically abused them - both friends who we trust to tell the truth and where court orders have been in force to prevent him going near them or their families; we have also been warned by a further woman who we do not know but who wanted to inform us of her story). As an employer, is there anything we should be doing to help our nanny feel safe/ be safe? Our nanny says she is trying to keep her distance, but she was obviously a bit disconcerted by his compliments today. With us he is always very polite and correct.

Could you install a CCTV at the front door so she can 'screen' her visitors?

good idea.... or even just a peep hole thing she can check before she opens the door?

is the back garden secure? i suggest a tall get is kept locked, if not locked already.

I assume if he starts to harass her or anything similar (lets hope it never gets that far) you will be fully supportive in her having an order put on him so he is not allowed on your property while she is there.

It seems you are friendly with neighbours... perhaps you could discuss with them that if she feels at risk, in your street, perhaps out and about with kids etc and isnt confident about making it to your house, that she is welcome to knock on their door, and wait there for a while.

It sounds horrid, but it seems you are willing to help the situation so im sure it can be resolved.

Just to add i used to nanny in a house that was directly next door to a home for teenagers in care. All of whom were sadly in care for a reason, and many were difficult and could be intimidating. We had alarms fitted on all the gates, so always knew when the gate was opened. Useful when expecting friends etc. The house was also securely alarmed and linked directly with the police station. (most alarms link to a handling system which can call police, ours was linked DIRECT to police so if ever the alarm went off (even by mistake) the police came immediatlely. It meant we had to be extra careful as they only 'allow' a small number of false call outs a year, before being downgraded to the next level, + were charged for each call out. I have to say i never had a problem in the 3 years i worked there (the home closed down about a year before I finished the job) But having ever changing, often troublesome 16 year olds who lived the other side of the fence, it was re-assuring to know, that i only had to press the emergancy button, and the police would be there ASAP (we lived a 2 min walk from main police station)

Thanks both. We have a peep hole thing on the front door - so I think after today she will be prepared to use it! We will also make the garden more secure. It´s a good idea to talk to the neighbours about it - everyone knows everyone in our road so that should help us! Thanks for telling me about your experiences nannyl. The direct line to the police station is maybe not possible in our case - but at least we should talk about calling the police...

your welcome

realise its unusual for a private house to get a direct link to police... it was the previouse owners who sorted it all (not my bosses) and Im sure it was done / allowed because of the next door neighbours.

Perhap suggest she keeps her mobile in pocket or as a phone handy when she opens the front door if in any doubt at all

I am afraid that I reckon you will be looking for a new nanny soon If I was your nanny, I would definitely be looking for a new position....nobody wants to be stalked by someone capable of gbh. How awful for you as it is obviously outside your control and you are being so thoughtful and correct. You did the right thing telling your nanny all about the issues btw and that was brave of you as some would be tempted to play it all down (but if you did that and something went wrong you would never forgive yourself).

I am sorry I have no more constructive suggestions although nannyl's ideas seem good.

As you say, I would never forgive myself if he started stalking her... that´s why I want to everything possible to avoid it. Just if I were to try to talk to him or something, I fear I might make the situation worse. I think she just has to pretend they´re not in when he rings the doorbell - or pretend to "be on the phone"!

Is this the first time your nanny has been exposed to this attention?

Reassure your nanny that she shouldn't be obliged to be polite to him and if she has any problems she should call the police straight away without feeling that you feel she'll be over-reacting.

I would also suggest that she starts to keep a log of contact which could be presented to the police as evidence (and therefore speed up any kind of no-contact order) in the event it does become more serious.

Have to say that as a nanny, i would NOT be leaving an other wise good job where i was happy, just because of some wierdo next door.... especially if MB / DB did their best to be supportive to me.

Should this wierdo wish to behave inappropriatley to me id be keeping a diary and if concerned get an order from the police so he wasnt allowed near me.... Why let some wierdo affect my life?

Had some issues with my step Dad, and when he over stepped the mark I got the police involved their too.... There are ways to sort things properly, you just have to use them. (and much much tricker when its 'family' (well almost, my mum divorced him eventually )

Thats beside the point.

OP really hope your nanny does not let this wierdo effect her life!

Sorry to scare monger-obviously different circumstances but this happened near where i live, so any situation of harrasment should be taken very seriously. It is beleived the neighbour in this incident had been very harrassing on many previous times.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1270173/Teenager-stabbed-death-neighbour-attacking-mother.html

kkey21 - can I ask you if you know any details of what happened afterwards? My son was at the same school as this boy (though didn't know him) and I remember the case - It must have been awful for him and very traumatising. I live just outside of St Albans so don't get the local papers - I heard that the police (quite obviously) would not be pressing charges against him and I've heard nothing about his Mum and if she recovered afterwards. I often think about them when I drive down that road.

She died sadly just over a week later. So tragic and i just feel so much for the boy as he must have had his life ripped apart. I don't know them but used to work down that road. So awfully sad.

Thanks everyone - I too hope it doesn´t get as far as the stabbing story!

Frakyouverymuch, this is the first time that the nanny has had this attention from him - as I say, we´ve warned her and up to now she hasn´t had any contact with him until last week he came round looking for me and met her. Then there was nothing strange - he just asked for me and when she told him I wasn´t there, he said he´d call round later (which he did). Maybe now he was curious???

It sounds dramatic, but what has happened up to now has only been bad for people who have had a relationship with him. I´m counting on the fact that it will not be dangerous as long as none of us gets too friendly with him (which our nanny is not exactly inclined to do! - to put it mildly!). It´s rather that I really don´t want her to have constantly to avoid him or be harrassed. Particularly as summer is coming where they´ll be wanting to play much more in the garden - I think we have to add a better fence so it´s not so easy to have contact from garden to garden - also as the children get older. It´s good advice to make clear to her that we back up anything she does - and that she shouldn´t be hesitant.

Simic sounds like you are doing everything right

How old are your children? clearly if babies / toddlers theres not much you can do & they wont be outside by themselves (ie while nanny cooks tea etc) but if a bit older (nearer school age) you can teach them to not interact with the man, and perhaps make it clear that they can always shout "go away" or similar to him, & must tell you if he tries to interact with them etc etc.

make sure your children know that they dont have to talk to him, when they are old enough to understand. Hopefully a nice tall fence will help, and be sure there arnt any knots in the wood or holes he can peep through.

That´s true. I´ve had some difficult discussions with dd (5) explaining that he´s "really quite poorly and can´t think like we do so he has been unkind to some people and hurt them". But it´s hard to explain - partly because he seems so nice - he really is great with all the local kids - which is always quite alarming and makes it harder to keep dd out of his way. I have had her very loud voice in the garden "Mummy, what do you mean Xxxx is poorly?"...

i mean why is he at liberty to even do this.. honestly.. he should be bloody locked up.. disgusting that you have to post this and that your poor nanny has to be subjected to this..

defo involve the police... they are starting to take this sort of thing seriously now..