Au pair going off the rails slightly - anyone else had this experience?

[WappySpring]

Our au pair, who is leaving in seven weeks, has started to do some things that are really getting my DH and I scratching our heads, and I was wondering if this is a 'pre-departure phenomenon' to some extent, and one that has been experienced by other MNetters.

The latest: I just walked into the kitchen, where she's the kids' lunch ... and she's drinking a bottle of cider. I asked her not to drink while she was supervising the kids, and she accepted it without question - although almost as if she knew she was pushing her luck. But

This is out of usual character, but the frequency of these moments is increasing, and I'm starting to think there is a quiet rebellion of sorts going on. Has anyone any thoughts?

You need to sit down and talk to her!!! It sounds as though she knows she's close enough to leaving that you won't be doing anything about it, or she doesn't care if you will or not.

Personally if she doesn't sort herself out I'd send her home early!

Whaaaaaat? Drinking in charge of the children? That would be gross misconduct and instant dismissal in my view. What else is she doing?

It sounds like she just doesn't care anymore but you need to have a serious chat and point out that:

1. she's still being paid and expected to do her job for the last few weeks
2. you'll presumably be providing her with a reference which will be influenced by these last few weeks
3. drinking in charge of children is never acceptable (when they're not yours)
4. you can still dismiss her and not pay her for those last few weeks

She does know that cider is alcoholic? Where is she from?

DH is German, and thought that cider was apple juice.

If you are happy for her to continue working for you then i would sit down and have a 'it's been great having you work for us' type chat, then say 'but we have noticed x,y and z recently and whilest we understand that it's very exciting/upsetting having a change coming up very soon we still expect professional behaviour from you'

just let her know it's not ok and you expect better.

Thank you for your replies.

She knows cider is alcoholic - no two ways about it.

In black and white, it looks damning, but it is incredible how foggy it can get when you're one of the involved parties! She and I have not always had the best relationship. I have found that the younger people are, the more they feel that they know everything (I include my younger self in this without hesitation), and we have come to loggerheads when she has outright challenged me on how I have chosen to raise my DS. I am ashamed to say that on one occasion I completely lost my rag when she disagreed and argued with me over a meal (she was insisting he ate everything on his plate; I told her that he didn't have to) and then refused to back down. It was a once-off, but the damage was done.

My sense is that there is a lot going on under the surface in her own life and this bubbles up in our relationship. Given all this, I have tended to avoid show-downs. No excuses, though. I feel rather ridiculous reading this back ...

hell i think i would have asked her to leave after telling me how to raise my child! I'm a nanny of 15 years and yes there have been times when i have suggested that something was done a certain way (problem solving, or behavioural issues) - or i have told parents that i have found x works quite well with their child/a certain age group, but never have i TOLD a parent how to do something - and never do i do something the parent would disagree with.

Goodness . I am trying to think back to when I was an au pair and I found it really hard and was desperate to go home. Towards the end of my time there I would expect I worked harder and was much happier as I was soon going..

You need to have words with her. If this was week one would she stay? Just because she has been with you a while shouldn't change how you respond to such a gross misconduct act.

Thank you, all - it is great to get some much-needed perspective. All your comments have been very helpful!

Hmm. She sounds rather difficult.

I would have a word with her and make sure that she knows the rules of the house. And don't allow her to dictate to you how to raise your DC.

Do you have alternative childcare in case she ups and leaves?

I agree with Fab - regardless of how long she's been with you the way you respond to this kind of issue shouldn't change, even if only to protect anyone she works for in the future!

MmeSurvivedLent - I do find her difficult. Maybe it's a personality clash, but that's beside the point.

I work from home so we can just about manage until our new au pair arrives ... who will know the house rules before she starts. Oy vey.

You've all given me a gentle, but much-needed, kick in the arse. Much appreciated!

Who's decision is it that she goes in 7 weeks? Is she trying to push you into letting her go early by drinking on duty?

It's by mutual decision.

It's difficult to convey the subtleties in a few paragraphs, but I have a feeling that there is large upheaval going on for her psychologically speaking, and unconnected with our family. I just feel that her being here, and her relationship with the kids and with me, is sparking things off for her in ways that none of us had anticipated.

I emphasise that this is not an excuse for her behaviour, but it is a reason.

Try talking to her and say while you are happy to listen and to try and help her with any difficulties but you can not allow drinking when on duty with the children. Give her the option to go early but make it clear that you will not be paying her due to the drinking.

I think I'm going to do just that, FAB - give her the option to leave, I mean. I think that she might feel very confronted, given that I don't believe the cause of her behaviour is all that conscious to her. But it might, at the very least, clear some of the air and encourage her to take responsibility for her actions.

Good luck with it.

Thank you!

Do update, ok?

Will do!