Can't decide about this... minding for a friend. Pros/cons?

[shubiedoo]

I'm a SAHM with 2 sons, one in school, one in preschool (mornings) and a little girl, 2. My neighbour has a little girl nearly exactly the same age as mine, they'll go to the same school etc. The parents are both teachers. The mum is on maternity leave now with her newborn, returning to work in Jan 2012. So far she hasn't found any minders who can take both girls, and she's thinking she'll put the older one into a nursery with a separate arrangement for baby.

I am tempted to offer to look after the older girl. I like that it would only be during school times, not the summer, Christmas etc. We could do with the cash (I'm not setting up a business, so would charge below the income tax threshold, we're in Canada, trust me I'm not breaking the law!) It would be nice for them to play together. I like getting out with dd to the library, music classes etc. which would be fun for both girls. And in April they'll both be 3, old enough to go to the same preschool as ds2, so I'd get a break for a morning or two a week.

The negatives would be that I'd miss the time with just dd, and I wouldn't have the same flexibility to lie low if my kids are sick, or to do cleaning, errands etc. But it might help me be more organised and hands-on with the kids too. I worry that if something goes wrong then I've lost my good neighbour (she's lovely, we're not best friends but get on well and have similar parenting styles.)

Sorry this is so long..! Has anyone done this successfully? Any thoughts? Thanks for reading!

In theory I think its a great idea, your DD can have a playmate, someone to possibly go to school with in the future etc
As you also see you do have some drawbacks which would mean getting very organised and perhaps make the week ahead schedule so mum knows where you are and what you are doing. With days out planned and activities planned at home, painting, craft stories...
I will say you may need to look into other childminders and see what they offer to give you ideas and have a back up plan for illness, holidays etc
Also it may be worth doing a trial for a month and if happy with make it a more long term plan??
The cash is a bonus and you never know you may like it so much when your nest is empty (day time only) you may do it in the official capacity??
Good luck.

OP IS IN CANADA just thought I'd highlight that important bit.

If you offered to look after the older girl, wouldn't mum want you to also care for youngest child as well? Would they perhaps put pressure on you over time to care for both children? Whilst mum is currently thinking of separate arrangements for the children, it can be a pain having children cared for in multiple locations, so keep in mind that mum may well decide that having you care for both children could work well - especially if you are not going to be charging very much money.

You like getting out and about, so consider the practicalities of doing that with more than one child. Things like car seats, cost of classes. Consider who would pay for those things. Also would the other mum put her older child in pre-school? Whist you do for your DS and intend to for your DD, does the other mum have the same intention?

Consider how DD would feel about sharing you with another child or children. She may well like the other girl to come and play on a regular basis but she might not like that to happen for long periods of time every weekday.
However she may prefer you to be around, than for you to get a job which means that she would be in nursery all day.

You won't really know how things will work until you give it a try.

That's so lovely that you can do that. Here in the UK they don't "allow" parents to make the decision to pay a good friend to look after their child without insurance, ofsted...etc. silly.

Having said that, I did this (here in the UK ) and it was fine... but wasn't something I'd have done long term as it did put a bit of a strain on our friendship. Money was a huge part of the problem. I always felt like I wasn't giving her enough and wanted to show her how much I appreciated her but couldn't.. she was a SAHM and I'm also a teacher and only needed term time and it worked for the short term (a little over a year) but I wouldn't have carried on for long term.

I'll explain more later but only have 3 minutes now and wanted to remember to come back here later! :)

Nannynick I was hoping you'd see this, you often post on this topic, I really appreciate your points. Actually everyone made good points, so thanks.

I really don't want to take both girls, which could be hard for my friend to understand. Mine are finally out of nappies, daytime sleep etc. and I feel those days are behind me! I wouldn't have thought of offering except that just yesterday she told me she would probably need to find two childcare arrangements. We are literally across the street so they would only need to drive the baby. The parents work at different schools so they have two cars.

DD gets on great with ds2 and I think she'll miss him when he goes to school next year, so why not a playmate. But everyday is a lot, I know.

We have enough car seats for just one extra child but not enough room/seats for two. I would expect them to pay preschool fees, but not days out as they are free or nominal anyway.

A trial for a month would be a good idea while the mum is still off, so no pressure.

Star, I would be really interested to hear more about your situation! I would worry too that she'd want to keep this arrangement going until they're in school, which is a long way off.

We're not desperate for the money so I wonder would it be more hassle than I need..! I would not normally consider it except that it is only term time. Lots to think about.

Again thanks!

shubidoo - (starexpat here)
Friend didn't need the money (she said so and I know so), but what I could afford was what I would pay a local childminder. I took him to her house. She found this figure shockingly low, but insisted on caring for him and is a sahm and said she would love to look after him and it would give her "something to do" (she said that!).

I stretched her to pay her as much as I possibly could, meaning little left at end of the month, I still felt guilty about it as I knew she still thought it was pennies, but it was an enormous amount of our income :(

She had him 8-3.50 and I dropped him off in the morning, took her kids to school (where I teach), brought them home at the end of the day and collected DS. At first it was lovely because I could come and bf him midday. She really loved/loves him so I knew he was in genuinely caring hands, which was above all of the negatives that I'm about to write - most important. I left my baby in the arms of someone who really loved him and our family.

She did look after him really well and obviously loved him, but felt that I should "leave him to cry" a bit more than I was comfortable... to be fair, she never did anything that I didn't want her to do, but I knew from her comments that she thought certain things that I did were "wrong".

She also began to resent not having time to herself while kids were at school like she used to (after a while).

Friend got easily frustrated with my pfb, first time mother need to ask about his day and how much expressed milk he had taken, if he had slept. She'd say things like "you need to stop thinking about how much he's slept/eaten" (whatever I had spoken of).

She suddenly had a lot of emotional stuff going on in her life as well, so things got very difficult. I would suggest moving him to a cm and she would say 'no, please don't'...

Yet she would make comments about how tiring and long her days were now and how she spent more time with DS than I did (totally untrue as he slept a lot of the day and we are not working 21 weeks of the year and not weekends... and he was collected by 3.50pm every day)...

Our friendship became very strained. :(

I moved to a childminder at 16 months and was so happy because she had a rate (lower than friend!) and I pay it and no guilt because it is her rate that she asked for! DS was her first mindee and she adores him, she does loads of lovely activities with him and goes to a couple of playgroups, I get a daily diary with a photo each day, she takes them to parks and farms and on walks and has a lovely garden full of toys for him to play on/with. It's a professional relationship so I feel comfortable talking with her about anything regarding DS.

And cm is very near work and I don't have extra dc in my car after I bring ds to the cm! bliss! (she has very active boys who were a handful in the car).

It was good for the time that we did it, but there was a lot of strain as well (toward the end).

Sorry - the quote below from my post above... "she" refers to my friend, not the cm!

"And cm is very near work and I don't have extra dc in my car after I bring ds to the cm! bliss! (she has very active boys who were a handful in the car)."

I mind for friends, and while it has generally been fine there has been a little...dispute about money (being paid in a timely fashion!) that has been very polite but awkward. If it was just a client I would give a time limit to pay, maybe even refuse care until bills were paid but you can't really do that with friends.

I started off childminding just having one DC who was the child of an acquaintance. It worked really well and I just did what I normally did, but with 2 of them. I did still do chores and errands, but involving the children in them (when appropriate) or whilst they were napping (both DC were only 10 months at the time, I realise yours will be older). The parents were teachers, so I had lots of (paid) time off and it worked well until the parents moved away.

I now work for a closer acquaintance (amongst others - I have far more of a business now) and it is more awkward. We have friends in common, so I have to be very careful about what I say (would never be unprofessional, but try to be doubly cautious) and I've accepted terms which are less favourable (longer hours) than I would do for a 'normal' client.

If I was you I'd consider: if things went wrong they'd be right across the road from you so you couldn't escape them; if they're paying you, will you let them dictate (to an extent) what you do with the child, or will you be 'the boss'; what would you do if the child/your child/you were ill - would you still take the child?

It could work well, but it might be worth having a contract so you can iron out the details and I agree that the month trial would be a good idea. Maybe from then you could do a termly contract review so if you found it too much you wouldn't be tied in for too long.

Sorry - should have mentioned that now we've changed to a cm, our friendship is better and she still loves DS and likes to have him when she can

I would be worried about subtle (or not so subtle) pressure being put on you to have both children. What if she can't find anyone for the baby and asks you to help out "in the short term", what if she finds someone but it doesn't work out - will you really be able to say no.

My mum was a childminder (and total soft touch). I was horrified at the things perfectly pleasant people would try and get away with in order to save money or make their lives easier. She got guilted into taking a sibling only to find that the parents (also teachers) assumed she couldn't possibly charge full rate for siblings - they offered less than half the normal rate - but because they lived just across the road it was very hard to say no.......

Thanks for your great replies, I love reading them. Especially Star, it is really good to read about your experiences. I'm glad your friendship survived it in the end!

I was talking to my sister about it today and she suggested I could be her backup minder, if her regular person is ill or on holiday.

Ideally I would only do it from January to June, but then she'd be trying to find someone else again in the fall. The little girl is lovely and I would feel bad if I got attached to her and then couldn't do it. I can't imagine leaving my kids with anyone (but then I don't have a high-powered career either... it's complicated!) so it must be so hard trying to get good care for them.

Again, I appreciate all your answers. Mumsnet is great!