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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

My latest child causing lots of grief

27 replies

jellyjelly · 01/11/2005 19:17

Can you rememebr the child who had nasty food and had constipation as a result? Well this is for the same child.

I have had said child for 2 months, (10months now)he will not sleep at my house unless he falls asleep on me or next to me on the sofa (normally at 5pm because he is so tired). If i put him in the cot with the curtains drawn he will just cry and cry. Have tried pickup put down and controlled crying and just leaving him to it. And none of them work. He apprently sleeps ok at home.

The creates a problem because of the other children i have. When he is not sleeping he is crying because he wants to be or he wants to be held all of the time.I am very calm and have enought toys for him and he seems to like the others here.

What do i do, it is a very tricky situation because they need nearby care but i want him to stop crying and i want to be able to talk to and hold my own son without this child crying.

Have tried distraction and positive praise and ignoring the cries but its not working.

Any suggestions appreciated, i also know that today, he was hcanged and fed and burped so its wasnt that today. He didnt need anything.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

callaird · 01/11/2005 20:36

Maybe get the mother to bring in some of his bedding for a while. May sound silly, but he might be unsettled by the different smell to his own bed. I remember when we couldn't get the usual washing powder twin II took ages to settle day and night. Also, keep trying with the controlled crying, it may take a couple of days to crack it but it will happen. Don't lift him, just stroke him, leave for 5 mins, go back in and stroke him, don't say anything, go out for 7 mins, back in, etc, leave it 2 mins longer each time.

Good luck.

Original poster

jellyjelly · 01/11/2005 21:03

thankyou and i will give it a go, i didnt know whatit was/is that is bothering him. Will feel better when the teething problems are over.

OP posts:

ThePrisoner · 01/11/2005 21:05

He sounds like he is really unsettled - is he upset even if he's not tired? Can't remember how often you have him? Has he been this upset all the time you've had him, or just recently? Do his parents know how upset he gets?

Even though you've had him for two months, it's quite an awkward age for a child to have another carer. It can take quite a while for some children to settle down.

Original poster

jellyjelly · 01/11/2005 22:10

have him 4 days per week excluding half terms. He seems to cry when he is dropped off, then will stop and if i look at him when is isnt crying, he starts again. I know that he is getting separation anxiety? as soon as i stand up to do whatever if he is not crying he starts.

Any ideas?

OP posts:

starlover · 01/11/2005 22:13

will he go to sleep in a pushchair? is there anyway you could start a bit of a routine of going for a walk to get him off to sleep... once he is used to sleeping there then you may be able to drop the walk!

lisalisa · 01/11/2005 22:23

Message withdrawn

Original poster

jellyjelly · 01/11/2005 22:49

He hasnt always been like this, lots of weeks sickness, dad not bringing him but he has been like this last week and this. We did try the pickup putodwn which worked but he only slept for about 10 mins then woke and of course i was with the other children downstairs.

I have asked if he is like this at home and his dad says he is (crying when he leaves) but she says not.

I know that he will sleep upright on the chair with me next to him or again upright sitting on me and in a baby car seat(the first seat) and will immediately drop off if i put him in the car even before we have started the engine.

OP posts:

Original poster

jellyjelly · 01/11/2005 22:50

The other thing the mum has said that when he goes to sleep at home it sounds like he doesnt go in his cot he just literally falls asleep mid play.

OP posts:

Mojomummy · 01/11/2005 23:09

Hi Jellyjelly, if he is falling asleep mid play he is obviously exhausted ( our DD did this when we came back from the US, shattered with jetlag). Also sounds like he has never learnt to fall asleep on his own before & would probably benefit from a good routine. Can you get him to have a dummy ? The bedding from home sounds a good idea as well. I would persist with the controlled crying & find out what the parents do with him at the weekend - what time he goes to sleep, how they get him to bed, what time he wakes. Also tell then he needs to sleep & if you can introduce a routine, whether they will maintain it at the weekends/days off.

Hope you manage to resolve it.

ThePrisoner · 01/11/2005 23:11

Is this the baby with the young mum?

starlover · 01/11/2005 23:11

i wouldn't introduce a dummy... mum may hate it!

can you transfer him from car seat to cot?
or, to start with just put the car seat IN the cot?

Original poster

jellyjelly · 02/11/2005 09:00

Hello, thanks for thecomments

He has a dummy and he is always sucking it and yes he is the one with the young mum. I have asked different questions to the mum and she doesnt think he has a problem. He sleeps when he wants too but his dad has said that he cries alot in the evening and frequently goes off at 10(after alot of crying) and is woken at 630 for a bottle. They have said that he does sleep in the car seat all night long because he wont sleep in his cot. I have explained that it is bad for the back and not good long term.

I am unsure of how long to continue with the controlled crying as i never done it to my own, i dont know how long it takes to get results?.

I hadnt actually thought about the car seat in the cot. The mil who has him on the day i dont doesnt have a problem apprently.

OP posts:

Bozza · 02/11/2005 09:24

Very difficult. Is there any way that you could get in touch with the MIL and see how she gets along. I do feel for the poor little chap. He must have no structure in his life.

HappyMumof2 · 02/11/2005 12:09

Message withdrawn

Original poster

jellyjelly · 02/11/2005 13:31

No because she is so young she has en educational welfare officer and she found me.

OP posts:

Mojomummy · 02/11/2005 13:57

that's terrible about him in the car seat all long - can I have him ? I really feel for this little family - must be so hard for the mum & dad & a difficult environment for the little lad

Do you know what the MIL does differently ?

LunarSea · 02/11/2005 14:07

mine would always sleep during the daytime in a pushchair, and not settle in a cot. In his case it was more to to with being strapped down I thik (sounds awful doesn't it?!) beacuse he'd never stay still long enough on his own to let himself drop off. If you're getting almost instant sleep in a car, and he's not actually used to falling asleep lying flat, I'd certainly give sleeping in a pushchair a try.

starlover · 02/11/2005 19:23

oh the poor thing! i can't believe he sleeps in a car seat!
no wonder he won't sleep for you!

ThePrisoner · 02/11/2005 23:10

I think you will have to be extremely tactful and non-condescending in your approach with the parents. His mum is so incredibly young, just a baby herself! She won't know how to do things, and might not want to ask if it shows her lack of "baby knowledge".

I minded a baby of a very young single mum, but she was happy to ask my opinion on how best to do things. Age-wise, I was easily able to be her mum, but I had to ensure that she felt she was my equal. Your minded baby's mum might not want your advice, but you need to be able to discuss the problems without making her feeling inadequate.

She won't be able to tell you how she wants his sleeping problems dealt with, she hasn't got the experience you have.

There's no point in asking her how she wants something dealt with - she probably doesn't know; you can't make her feel bad about her mothering (eg. car seat instead of cot!) because it's possibly the only way she knows how to do something.

Are you allowed to talk to her welfare officer?

aloha · 02/11/2005 23:14

poor little boy. I feel so sorry for him.
I'd talk the welfare person and ask for advice.

Original poster

jellyjelly · 03/11/2005 07:45

I am going to speak to the health visitor todaybecasue we have to sort this. He is due in about 15 mins.

OP posts:

Mojomummy · 03/11/2005 11:56

Hi Jellyjelly, any updates from the HV ?

Original poster

jellyjelly · 03/11/2005 12:26

Yes what i found out is that the child is passed from one person to another when he grizzles so i think he has learnt to be that way. (it very common is teens), ANy ideas on unlearning it? I think he needs to learn to play on his own but i think the problems with the sleep will remain. (he had a 3 hours sleep while in the car/outings, again upright) and he is alot happier,playing on his own.

She did recommend having a quiet video time where he can sit and fall asleep on me for the meanwhile. I believe that this will take a huge amount of patience.

OP posts:

HappyMumof2 · 03/11/2005 12:30

Message withdrawn

Mojomummy · 03/11/2005 12:35

was the mum there when this was discussed ? I guess as you have the most time with him, you might be able to get him into somesort of routine & then stress the importance of this to his mother ? Was sleeping in the car seat mentioned ? I bet he's crying because he is over-tired as well...

To get him into a routine gently, just do the same things with him everyday. (easier said than done of course !)

manybe something like - he arrives, plays with you, plays something alone. Then it's lunchtime. Then could you lay him on the sofa with a blanket & pat his back to sleep ?

This would mean you are tied into the house most of the day or very quick journeys out - would this impact you & the other mindees ?

Really tough one as I had Dd in a routine from very early & when she is at nursery for 3 days, their routine - play - eat - sleep - is the same (apart from they give them 'tea' at 3pm, so she is always hungry when DH collects her.

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