Nannies - do you love your charges? If not, how wld you describe your feelings towards them?

[Artichokes]

I would be really interested to hear how nannies feel about the children in their care. In many cases nannies care for children for more of the childrens' waking life than their own parents do. Many nannies work with the same children for years. Do they love those children? Do they even like them? Or do they just see it as a job?

I employ a nanny. She has worked with us for 20 months, since DD1 was just 3 and DD2 was 9 months. She has therefore cared for DD2 for most of DD2's life. She saw her first crawl, first step, first words, first tantrum... DD2 can be "challenging" and sometimes I wonder whether the nanny wouldn't prefer an easier charge but she seems unfazed. The girls adore her, miss her when she's on holiday and talk about her a lot. Once or twice they've even cried for her. I have no real clue what she thinks of them. I mean she is great with them but you can be great at a job without loving those you work with.

She is their main carer, I want to believe they are cared for by someone who recognises their special qualities and is genuinely interested in their lives, but no nanny is obliged to feel a certain way.

I'm babbling now, but you get the gist of my question.

I was live in and loved mine. I missed them (and miss them now I've left!) at weekends when I was off and was always pleased to see them Monday morning - as they were me. I saw all of their milestones.

Some I have loved, some I've cared about deeply, some I have liked enough to continue doing my job. I couldn't work with a child I actively disliked though, I don't think it would be fair on the child - I do know a nanny who left a great job because she just couldn't bond with her charge and felt the child deserved to be cared for by someone who loved them.

As you said because you've experienced all their firsts, seen them grow/develop, know their likes/dislikes as much as your own it is hard not to have that bond, especially when they take on some of your traits!!

Agree with Rita there are some that I have loved to bits and will stay in contact with, there are some I have cared deeply for and some that I have liked but there's no way you can work a 60 hour week with a child and not have some attachment to them. The problem is quite a few mb/db's don't particularly like the child/you having that attachment.

RE DD2 being difficult sometimes - I had a charge like that - but the good parts outshone the bad and even if we were having one of those days there were always plenty of things I liked/loved about the child and I knew that good days were good days and that's why I stayed and loved the child - in fact still do :)

I have been a nanny for much longer than I care to admit,except to say that last year one of my previous charges had a baby,I feel like a granny nanny now,I love or cared very deeply for all the children I have looked after,I see all of them at Christmas and birthdays and often go out to films or dinner with them,I have had two jobs where I was there for ten years.I am going to the passing out at Sandhurst of one of them next week,and am the godmother of the sister of a previous charge .If you do not have a close bond with the children you look after you have got the wrong job,I think that all my previous charges hopefully are fond/love me.You become close to the children ,their parents I`m even in contact with previous grandparents.Your nanny loves your children she may not say it but the reason they are so fond of her and talk about her is that they know she does and they love her too.

I agree with eurycantha I don't think you are in the right job if you don't care deeply for your charges. I love all my charges and there are 22 of them!

I had real difficulties with 2 of them, one was 2 years old when his mother died and he was a nightmare whenever his dad left to go to work (his mum left one day and never came back!) he screamed the house down for hours, I couldn't go near him or he would hit, kick, bite etc me, when dad was about he was adorable, loads of kisses and cuddles, would take me off to go up stairs to play, and that is how we settled him, instead of dad leaving, we left! Was hard on all of us for 4 months because I started work at 7am, dad had to be at work at 7:15 so he had to get two boys up (the younger one was a year) dressed and breakfasted before I arrived so we could leave the house straight away. It was a really difficult job but now when I go out for drinks with them (25 and 24), if one of their mates says "who is that woman?" He says, that's my mum! The first time he sad it, I said that I wasn't and he said I was the closest thing he had to a mum (I cried!!!) I wanted to quit this job every Friday for the first 4 months, stayed 4 years! So glad I did and still love them!

The second was a 3 month old who screamed and screamed from the second mum dropped her off, until she picked her up, only stopping to have her bottle and sleep, it gradually got better but I had a 5 month old at the same time who was as good as gold and I thought I would never like her, handed in my notice 4 times but mum had to go back to work, I couldn't leave her in the lurch and so pushed through, waiting for her to find someone else but then she settled and she's now 17, learning to drive, comes to stay with me one weekend a month and tells me EVERYTHING!!!!!

I am in contact with all of my ex-charges, I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't understand some nannies who don't stay in touch, you are a huge part of their lives for a period of time and then they just walk away! Don't get it. (Exception is where the parents won't let them! I know so many parents who don't want the nanny to keep in touch when they leave, don't get that either. I always mention at interview that once you let me into your family, you ain't ever going to get rid of me!! I have letters from 6 of my charges, including the little boy who lost his mum, saying that they wouldn't have it any other way!)

1st family who i was with for 5 years, i loved them to bits. I stopped working for then nearly 6 years ago now, and i am still very close to them all, including my bosses. Ex MB is a great friend of mind. I still feel very much like part of their family, and would still just walk straight in,,sit down and make myself a cup of tea and be 100% relaxed to be there.

My other 2 main jobs i cared SOOO much for the children i looked after. While i worked there, their homes were like my other home. was completley happy and have kept in touch but wasnt as close to them as my 1st job.
We still do Xmas cards / birthday cards and i pop by sometimes, but wouldnt call my ex bosses just for a chat, as i do my 1st boss.

My shorter temp jobs i have liked and got on well with the children and the parents. I have always got on really well with all the parents i worked for.#

But as i grew old and moved along the job line, i realise i cared for/ loved (not sure what the correct term there is?) less and less each time, and saw it more as a job. It was at that point i decided nannying was no longer for me. and moved on.

I think to be a fab nanny you DO need to like and genuinely care for the children who you look after, and if you are with the children for most of their waking week, IMO its hard not too after you have been there a few years.

Leaving all my jobs has made me cry, so i know i must have been attached to some proper extent.

i cant imagine id cry leaving my last ever shift at Tesco or similar , but saying good bye to parents / children who you have looked after for a long time IS (IMO) the hardest and worst part of being a nanny (even when you know you will stayin touch!)

* grew old ER lol

also am now pg with my 1st child... and despite the fact that he / she isnt even born, I already love my baby far more than my charges

Most of my children I've adored. The only child I had real trouble bonding with was a rising 7yo who was quite spoilt. The first week he tried to poke me in the eyes with a piece holly bush. Mb didn't really discipline him and if I tried, he'd run straight to her and she'd say 'but he's only little......'. It took a while but we got there in the end. I spent a lot of time with him, put boundaries in place, insisted Mb didn't keep undermining me, and we ended up getting on really well.

I do love them I treat them like I'd treat my own I expect. I was made redundant from them last year and it was the worst year of my life and I never found a job I was happy in so I was ecstatic when March came around again and MB was going back to work after maternity leave and I've gone back to them and love my original charge and her baby sister!

I have a friend who is a nanny and although the family situation is very messy (acrimonious divorce so she is often piggy in the middle between the parents) she is sticking with the family because she cares so much for the kids and recognizes that she is the "rock" in their lives - I find her devotion to them amazing and a wonderful thing, if I could ever afford a nanny () I would want someone with that depth of feeling for my dc.

i love all my dc with a passion and i know they love me back - some parents dont understand this/are jealous but surely its good to be a good thing that your child loves their nanny/main carer

i would be more worried if they didnt

i keep in touch with all my families :)

tbh i havnt had a child i havent bonded with, but sure it must happen and a true professional nanny wouldnt let her feelings cloud the situation - or she would leave

does it make a difference if the nanny has her own children.. put badly.. but the love you feel for your own dcs must be totally different from charges isnt it??? or isnt it?? especially if you have soul charge and have worked for a family for years...

I have my own child now, and the love I have for him is nothing like love I've felt for a charge - that's more like the love you have for a neice or nephew.

I was a nanny many years ago, before i became a mum. I can honestly say i loved the children i cared for. I realise now it was not in the same way i love my own children, but i did love them.

I have 2 children of my own and I've been nannying for 25 years. I would say that I love the children I care for - but as someone else said it's like the love you feel for a niece or nephew, not the same sort of love you feel for your own child. I have always treated the children as well as I have treated my own children and I've kept in contact with them and see them from time to time.

I work 3 days a week and at the end of the week I say goodbye to the children and though I think of them if I see or here something relevant I don't miss them as such. When my own children were small I missed them like mad if I didn't see them for a day let alone 4 days!

I'm not a nanny but had a nanny when growing up. I think the "niece or nephew" comparison is about right and it works in reverse too - I loved my nanny but like an auntie or maybe a much older sister, not like a mum.

Thanks everyone. It's been really interesting reading all the replies.

With regard to the comments about parents not liking nannies to have a loving bond with their charges, I find that hard to understand. What I want more than anything is for my girls to feel loved all day long and to form close loving bonds with those that care for them. I feel very reassured that my children love their nanny. If they didn't I'm not sure I could keep leaving them with her. Of course it's hard as a parent if your children cry out for someone else or show preference for the nanny over the mother, but them is the breaks if you aren't at home all day long. It's much preferable to children pining for their parents all day.

While you may want your girls to feel loved, you don't want to be replaced... do you? If your girls started calling nanny Mum, would you be happy? Or would you feel that the relationship has overstepped the mark?

In my view children should not pine for their parents when nanny is around, neither should they pine for their nanny when their parents are around. Children have a relationship with their parents and their nanny which are different. Not sure how to explain how it's different but I feel it is different.

Hi Nick I think when we chat here about parents and nannies we should remember that children are definitely not stupid they know their mother/father and they are never going to be calling nanny mummy unless accidentally.Children love their parents [or should]more than anyone else and nannies know that they are just another close relationship for that child possibly as has been mentioned on a level with a close aunt or uncle.I have next week off and although I may think of the children during that week I will not pine for them ,certainly not the way parents do when apart from their children and I doubt whether they will think of me more than once or twice while away and to me this is the way it should be .we are not their mothers/fathers and when it comes down to it these children we look after often see very little of their parents and any extra time they have with them is to be welcomed ,and we all like a week off,we dont turn around and say Oh I dont want a holiday or Ill miss themIm waffling.

Of course you are right Nick but I was not saying I want my girls to love their nanny like they love me. I carried them, breastfed them, rocked them to sleep day in day out for months and months, it's me who puts them to bed every night, comforts their nightmares, cares for them when they are sick etc. Those actions give us a unique bond. What I want for the girls is a carer who loves them and whom they love, an aunt/uncle relationship would be perfect.

The relationship might be more than that of an aunt/uncle. I don't see my nieces and nephews that often... I see the children I nanny far far more often.
So perhaps it's a closer bond than aunt/uncle but not as close a bond as a parent. Wonder if it's closer to being a step-parent? Or is that too far towards the parent side?

I think you are right Nick about the Aunt/uncle question some of us are very close to our nieces and nephews and other not.your point about step parents is good I think because for that twelve hours that we look after the children we are acting as a parent.

I find that if the parents love and respect me then I get on easier with the kids, (IF A CHILD SAYS, MUMMY SAYS YOU DON'T TIDY PROPERLY for instance this causes a rift)

once I nannied for a family it was lovely for the first 2 years but then I began to miss home and become a bit down, so I asked for a four day week instead of a five day, the mother was furious with me for this request but obliged.

She then began to say horrible things about me to her eldest child who would repeat these insults back to me in the car on the way to school, then he began to refuse to be dropped off by me, she was basically using him to hurt me and boy it ripped my heart out, I had become so much of their life's, looking after the smallest from when he was just 9 monhts old so it was very traumatic and I am very wary of this repeating.

I insist on consistency and alignment through good communication with parents because it was a very painful process letting go of something that was at first very beautiful.

I later found out that she was having a break down and her husband had been having an affair with someone from work the whole time Id known them, when I found this out I stopped blaming myself for the break down of the relationship between myself and the mother.

We now have a very good relationship she always gives me a glowing reference and her children still contact me through facebook.

Happily ever after but lesson learnt.

I think that children-and even babies-do understand who loves them or likes them very much and who doesn't. I remember my children were always fine with my family but they wouldn't go near my nasty aunt.

The fact that your children love her so much it means that they feel her love and warmth imo. When i say 'her love' i mean her like them and treat them well.

I'm a nanny and I don't have a child so I can't compare the love between two. All I can say is I adore my charges, they all are very sweet and I always enjoyed looking after them. Sad I know but I do look at their pics. and video's and talk about them to my friends at weekends. I even sing twinkle twinkle little star when I'm cooking or cleaning! :)) Does that mean I'm ready to have my own kids? :))