AP Qs

[Julia1973]

Hi

We've had aupairs for 2 years now but not knowing anyone with an aupair we sometimes stuggle to know what is accpetable and what not. We don't want to be unreasonable and so having found ths board thought I could get some feedback here...

Ok- so what do other families do about holidyas and visitors? We give our aupair all the school holidays paid off (except summer- aupair changeover). This current ap stays here during this time. Do you think it's reasonable to then expect here to do general things like unload dishwasher as I am currently feeling like a bit of a hotel?

As for visitors- do you allow them in your home? How long for? Do you let them stay during working periods?

Lastly- the ap room. Our aps only have about 2,5-3hours of childcare a day and I give them a list chores worth about an hour a day. On a Friday those chores are- cleaning her own bedroom and ensuite bathroom. She never does this and (yes I know I should respect privacy) looking in there this morning- the room and bathroom are heaving. Our house is only a couple of years old and we're quite careful about maintaining it so I'm a bit upset. How do I broach the subject without looking ike a snoop?

Thanks for any comments- Newbiue here so be gentle :O)

Holiday they are entitled to 5.6 weeks paid off per calendar year, so pro-rata by how many weeks they do work given that you don't have them over the summer, during which time you shouldn't ask them to work but IMO they should still be pitching in around the house if they're around - clearing the table, helping to empty the dishwasher. However if they not around then you should obviously respect that and not ask for chores to be done. What's the expectation at weekends?

Visitors most people say no initially to extended stays and take it on a case by case basis. No men overnight is quite common. Do you mean AP is having local friends over whilst working or proper visitors? No to local friends IMO, visitors from overseas it's a bit difficult to say however as your AP gets a lot of holiday perhaps you could limit visitors to school holidays when AP isn't working and they'll probably spend a lot of time out anyway.

Most host families also retain the right to check the state of the APs room with a bit of notice - not at all unreasonable IMO. Just put it in the house rules/contract for the next one. For this one perhaps make up a spurious reason like checking the pipes in the en suite and then raise the subject and introduce the idea of checks.

Thanks Frank. No expectations of them at weekends. And if they were away during the holiday- wouldn't expect anything either. But as she's here eating etc... I find it a bit annoying that they don't pitch in.

Like the pipe check idea! I just hate having to check up. Maybe I'm being naive but as it's in the weekly chores chart, i feel it's something i shouldn't have to check up on.

Unloading the dishwasher when it needs doing comes with living in your home, not part of her duties as an employee. Ditto cleaning her room and the bathroom she uses - particularly if she has sole use.

Sorry that wasn't very clear...

She should see unloading the dishwasher when it needs doing as something she has to do because she lives in your home, not part of her duties as an employee. Ditto cleaning her room and the bathroom she uses - particularly if she has sole use. We have had an au pair like this: fortunately most are better - if they have lived away from home before it is generally a good sign.

What Mr Anchovy says. cleaning her own room and washing her own sheets and pitching in with general stuff like dishwasher/wiping down the sides etc is all part and parcel of what is expected outside of paid hours. It is what you'd do with a flat share and I expect no different of APs.

Make it clear in the 'house rules' next time (we have a set of general house rules that sit alongside the contract and give our APs a run-though of what we and they should expect. It covers things like overnight guests and keeping their own room clean etc).

With visitors we allow family from overseas and boyfriend/girlfriend if they are from overseas too (no overnighters if they have local GF/BF unless we really like them). We require them to ask permission in advance of booking flights and the AP is responsible for looking after them, including buying/preparing all their food/drink. Once we have got to know the family then we often do special meals for them (and they do meals for us in return). If their visit coincides with time AP should be working, then AP works. We will try to shuffle their duties if we can but otherwise they are on duty as usual, guests or no guests.

It sounds like I need to be a bit firmer. I just find it quite difficult to do this without upsetting the ap and then creating an atmosphere. Our current AP has actually been brilliant until recently. How do others find being firm/strict without causing a sulk?

In my experience, it's a bit hard to 'reset' an existing AP relationship. Cleaning I think is an exception - you can be firmer on this as it's a prettgy objective thing - you need to have an orderly house. The visitor thing is harder if you've previously allowed her to do things a certain way and now want to change it. You may just need to chalk that part up to exp and lay down different rules for next time.

I agree Harriett- which is why I made an extensive welcome pack with rules etc in it before this aupair came.

However- I find it really hard to enforce the rules because it leads to a bad atmosphere and makes me feel unreasonable.

For example, the visitor rule is- in discussion with myself for a maximum of three days at a time. I've had 2 lots of one week visits now and the last visit caused real tension. It was whilst I (therefore she) was working and I asked the aupair to make the guest room up for her visitor. She got upset with me because she wanted her visitor to stay in her room. I explained that as it was during my working week- that I couldn't cope with giggling until the early hours in the morning- nor did I want the kids woken up. AP got quite upset and was literally begging and crying. I stood my ground but I felt a right witch. This wasn't a boyfriend visit by the way- just a female friend.

As for local visitors. Let that happen once and have told her never agian. They got trashed and were creating a racket until 3am.

Now I think I've painted a negative picture of her- which I don't mean to. She is fab witht he kids and that is the main thing with an AP and I'm truly thankful for that. I just wish I could address the things that bother me without it causing a scene. I know thatthis is actually an issue with me rather than her. I had just hoped that be making the rules clear in a welcome pack that I wouldn't have to get into these situations.

I think (and sorry this is going to sound critical) the problem is you made a rule and bent it, twice to a greater or lesser extent, so now it's going to be difficult to enforce.

Now a week visit after discussion with you while she's not working I can see why you allowed, but she probably doesn't get the distinction. Next AP make it very clear that you don't have visitors during work time, they stay in the spare room (unless you also have guests) and she's responsible for it and don't deviate from it.

Did you talk to her about the trashed/up til 3am honestly? APs often lack the emotional maturity to see how their actions affect others and don't see what they're doing as a job, per se, so don't take it seriously. They also don't get that you aren't going to be as tolerant as their parents might be, or if they've been living away, that they're back living with a family.

You are being very reasonable about it all, honest!

I would have lost it with the 3 am/getting trashed thing. And the screaming and crying. Our last AP did a little bit of the crying thing after she'd pulled a sickie (one several) and then tried to have friends round (my DD was still at work with my husband at 8.45 pm because supposedly she wasn't up to looking after them) and I told her they couldn't stay if she was 'so ill.' I heard her doing a bit of ranting in her room after they left but let it go. I was furious. She didn't BUT I know it would be stressful if she'd sulked and carried on over a couple of days. You just have to let behaviour like the friend staying episode wash over you and put your foot down.

When do you raise your house rules? I would do during the recruitment process. If it takes longer/puts people off, you don't want them.

Had a word yesterday and she was fine. Went off and did the room. Obviously getting myself workd up over nothing. Thanks for all the advuce- especially the pipe idea!