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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

au pair recruitment advice

19 replies

HarrietPartyHands · 07/04/2011 10:40

Hi. We've been talking to this girl via phone/email who seems great. However, I am having a little wobble suddenly and wanted thoughts from others.

We skyped with her last night. Her mother was on the call the whole time. Sitting there in a bathrobe! WOuld you really? Not saying much of anything although when I asked the girl a question, she would look to her mum before answering many times. We have a good relationship with our current ap's family who's been to stay and initially I was fine about this, but I thought she would kind of say hello and then go. So I say to the mother: Do you have any questions for us about the arrangements? The only thing she said was: Can I come to stay? I thought it was a little weird this is all she could think of.

She's a single mum and the AP is an only child. I was wonderig about homesickness etc. The mother apparently has a partner with children they see too - so I think it's not like she doesn't have a network. ALthough the mum and daughter also share hobbies that they do during the wk, I also know.

The girl has really good references, good English, but suddenly seemed much younger with the mum there. Do you think I'm making too mcuh of this though? Our current AP spoke to her afterwards to show her the room and answer questions. She said her mum wanted to be on the call with us last year too but that she'd said no, it's not appropriate the first time.

The mother also already mentioned coming to the UK for Christmas.

Do you think this is a red flag that in the future, I'd be like: I can't believe I didn't see this coming? Or am I making too mcuh of it????

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Strix · 07/04/2011 10:57

Definitely a red flag. That girl is going to come and expect you to be her mother and not so much her employer. And then her mother is going to show up... and that's just weird. Its not weird for the mother to come visit at some point, it is weird that mother is asking about it now.

Imagine if I went to an interview for current line of (office based) employment and said, riaght, can my mum cime in and sit at the desk next to me?

Original poster

HarrietPartyHands · 07/04/2011 11:01

But Strix I was thinking that because her mother works full-time she doesn't have TIME to follow her around and that the girl would know what a busy household really was. This was my logic. Her references suggest a good work ethic.

it's more the homesickness bit once she got over here.

It is weird that the mother is asking about visiting now though isn't it?

OP posts:

andagain · 07/04/2011 11:16

To me it is more weird that the mother was there during the interview than the fact that she asked whether she could visit.
Would this be the au pair's first time away from home for a long time? If so I could see why her mother would be concerned and wanted to know what the family she is going to is like and could she visit.
But then the fact that she sat there throughout the interview and the au pair looking at her before answering suggests what Strix said, she might be expecting you to mother her rather than actually be a help to you to the extent that you need.
Does that make sense?

Our au pair's mother sends presents to my daughter all the time and if our au pair is on skype to her and I happen to be there I'll say hello and that kind of thing but I would have been very put off if she was there all the time when I first interviewed her on skype.

Is there any chance you can fly her over for a weekend for "test run" kind of thing. From my experience it is worth every penny (if it's not a long haul flight that is), people can be very different in person as we found out on one particular occasion (when au pair was great on skype and then just plain WEIRD when she came over for a weekend to meet us)

Original poster

HarrietPartyHands · 07/04/2011 11:27

I think it's weird it was her ONLY question, the visiting.

When I said I wasn't sure, because of our own arrangements, whether her mother could come at Christmas a cloud kind of passed over her face! We normally pay for the au pairs to fly home to see their families at XMAS. If we're not around I don't mind if the family is here, but this year my oparents may be over from the US - it's my mom's first christmas following a bereavment- and I wouldn't be able to host APs family under those circumstances.

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SnapFrakkleAndPop · 07/04/2011 12:13

Weird, weird, weird. Extremely so. I agree with strix - red flag, both in terms of the level of independence she may not have, and in the mother planning to come visit at Christmas. Already?

She sounds very close to her mother, which is a good thing, but not if either one can't cope without the other.

I'll be talking to our potential more-than-an-au-pair's parents but that's more because we're a 10 hour flight away. I don't think they'll be asking about visiting us and if they do it'll be in the context of a big family holiday so I'd expect to give time off, not host them all!

Original poster

HarrietPartyHands · 08/04/2011 12:53

anyone else recuiriting for September and by any chance struggling?

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frakyouveryverymuch · 08/04/2011 13:05

I have several good candidates but also a lot of crap ones (but that I think is pretty normal).

What are you struggling with? Do you have very specific requirments?

Original poster

HarrietPartyHands · 08/04/2011 13:13

Nope, I don't. Our requirements couldn't be more basic and we are in a decent location. I just keep getting sent weird candidates this time. Lots of older girls (in contrast to the teen I discussed above.) It's like: why on earth when you are 26 and living in an apartment with your 30 year old boyfriend would you want to have a year out as an AP? Obviously all EU girls. another one: "One thing I really cannot stand is disorder...." and you want to work with...children? Hmmm....Lots of pepole with very unclear focus of why they're going for the role....etc. May have to go back to AP World.

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frakyouveryverymuch · 08/04/2011 13:16

How odd!

I'm doing well on Great Au pair personally.

Original poster

HarrietPartyHands · 08/04/2011 13:17

What do you think of a 26 year old still living with her parents? For me, this is a red flag. She is French. Is this unusual?

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frakyouveryverymuch · 08/04/2011 13:21

Not at all unusual actually but she may not be entirely suitable...She's unlikely to have much household sense IME (and I'm always surprised by this in DH's friends) as they're quite coddled.

Very common to live with your parents here until you've finished university, which is more commonly a Masters (so 5 years of study) than just a 3 year Bachelors, longer from some degrees or if you repeat a year, plus property prices are insane and the job market is quite competitive. What did she study?

Original poster

HarrietPartyHands · 08/04/2011 13:28

I can't remember now actually. Tehre were other bits of her profile I wasn't sure about as well to be honest. But I'll bear that in mind for future people.

are you nearing making an offer then?

OP posts:

Laquitar · 08/04/2011 13:37

Yes the mum seems a bit weird.

I'm not sure the AP will be homesick, maybe she cant wait to get away from her mother

Original poster

HarrietPartyHands · 08/04/2011 13:44

hi laquitar. her agency said it was time for her to 'get some space from her mother' apparently. i can't take the risk robe lady would come more than a couple times during the year. not smiley and really friendly like my current ap's mom who is coming next week.

OP posts:

Laquitar · 08/04/2011 13:51

And problem is that france is very close and its easy/cheap to come.

Original poster

HarrietPartyHands · 08/04/2011 13:54

THe first girl is from Germany. But same difference really easy access to low cost carriers who fly in near us...if you see what I mean.

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frakyouveryverymuch · 08/04/2011 14:00

We've got a couple of strong candidates but the one I like best is very young, which as it's more than an au pair role (sole charge of ypung baby involved - very clear in this in the ad) puts me off a little. She has very good experience and we seem to get on well with her on the phone but I still have niggles IYSWIM and I spend far too much time on here saying to people with niggles to pay attention to them to make an offer when I'm having them myself!

So I don't know if we're near offering or not! Not offering until baby puts in an appearance in any case but that could be any day now.

Original poster

HarrietPartyHands · 08/04/2011 18:03

How young is young Frak?

Oooh our current au pair is just so lovely. Lovely with the children, really excellent disposition, bright, the works. I am going to be so sad when she goes. I have to say I feel a little despondent at trying to replace her.

OP posts:

frakyouveryverymuch · 09/04/2011 11:50

The AP? Just turned 18.

I'm trying not to hold that against her as I had occasional sole charge of a much younger baby when I was a few months younger which developed into more extended sole charge, and that was before I had any childcare qualifications, but that wasn't on the other side of the world - it was just down the road - and I'm not sure she gets how big the move will be... And I'm only just old enough to mother a newborn, definitely not someone (just) less than 10 years my junior.

But she sounds bright, cheerful, enthusiastic, her French is excellent, she does have good experience with babies from 3 months and she passed my common sense test questions!

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