Bugger: Nanny handed in her notice - how to replace her, present it to DS and remain serene and unruffled all at the same time

[Anchovy]

We have had the same nanny for 3.8 years - ever since Ds was 5 months old. She is the only nanny Dd (2) has ever known. TBH I suspect neither of them really know that she is actually paid for what she does as she is so very much part of the furniture for them - and for us all, really. Anyway she has just handed her notice in - she now wants to travel and thinks, having settled DS into school, that now is the right time to go. She is probably right and it is great that the change has come before we all started thinking we needed it and can part on absolutely the best of terms (she is a brilliant nanny for weaning; potty training and finger painting, I suspect would be less good for homework and incessant questions on how electricity works).

Firstly, can someone tell me that I WILL find a new nanny - am in serious need of reassurance at the moment. I'm such a planner that the thought of hurtling towards Christmas/New Year (leaving date) without knowing what will happen afterwards is making me a bit lightheaded. I have spoken to a couple of agencies, one of whom was spectacularly non-committal, told me my hours were too long (hmmmm), pay was a bit on the low side (definitely not true)and anyway "most" nannies like working 4 days a week (surprising, if they are living in SW London, unless of course they inherited their property or have no mortgage).

Secondly, does anyone have any idea how we tell DS about this, bearing in mind that he is very attached to her? My gut feel is that I don't want to tell him too far in advance as he doesn't have a very clear idea of time. He's also a bit of a "thinker" and I would much rather dress it up a bit and present him with a "fait accompli" where we say that A is going on holiday to Australia [true] for a while [true'ish] and that X will look after him in the meantime (in the same vein as this weekend's conversation that his 2 new goldfish, Nemo and Grommit, are currently in the pet "hospital"!)

Thirdly AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH! I need a new nanny!

Fourthly: Is it ethical to "tap up" one of our nanny's mates who doesn't particularly like her current job, is a great nanny and who the children know well and really like?

oh dear what a PIA

1. you WILL find a new nanny
2. I think your plan is a good one, leave it until nearer the time to tell DS
3. see 1 above
4. yes!

and
4. Yes!

Anchovy - it will be fine, all of it. Promise you. (CAT on way.)

Oh dear Anchovy, I am sorry. She will leave a big hole in your lives for all sorts of reasons from the sound of things.
As I have always been a nursery user I can only commiserate with the bulk of your worries but personally I would be honest with a child of your ds's age about the fact that nanny is leaving for good, when the time comes to tell him. He may be watching the door all the time, especially if he takes a little while to get used to X. Maybe supernanny can send him postcards or digital snapshots from some of her travels to remind him that she still loves him even though she has moved on?
PS You might want to liaise off-board with motherpeculiar to make absolutely sure you don't somehow get saddled with the flake she is about to sack...

Thanks chaps. Feeling a bit wobbly about all this (which, of course, is a direct result of having been so smug about having had the same nanny for so long!)

My current nanny lives a 6 minute walk away so we never have any problems with start up and hand overs. And, obviously, she knows all the toys names (I CAN'T leave DD with someone who doesn't know who Boa, Ollis, Lolly and Ned-cow are!). Think I am in dire danger of over-romanticising how good my current nanny is (when in reality she completely lacks a "detail filter" and if I have to hear another long story about why X doesn't like Y because of something she repeated to Z or of some obscure medical ailment again I will have to shoot myself).

I laughed to myself when I was thinking how DS doesn't like change or uncertainty and needs to know in advance exactly what is happening....because where, of course, does he get that from?

Just another point Anchovy re pay. It's possible that the agency you spoke to is right - it's easy to lose track of the market rate if you have had a nanny for a long time and my sense is that the rate has gone up over the last couple of years and that if you are not "keeping up" the better nannies don't look at you...

try looking in the lady or advertising in simply childcare magazine which is fab for advertising as well as looking,[ in a friendly sort of way] ive found jobs in there and had a lovely family to work for.. its a lot more flexible than an agency as you can search yourself through ads and can call and have a chat with a few to see how you feel about them plus it doesnt cost a lot of money unlike agencies whom i loathe [ from a nannies point of view..they used to send me to interviews that were completely wrong for me and i had explained what i d wanted..grrr!!] children will and do get over it far quicker than the parents think because usually the new nanny has new exciting things to bring with her to play with and new ideas... chin up .. youll find someone else just as super..but in different ways but at least you have experience of finding and keeping a nanny for a long time that will stand YOU in good stead for finding the right nanny as thats important for a nanny to look for in a position as it shows the last nanny was very happy there.. the address for simply childcare is [email protected] 16 bushey hill rd london se5 8qj 0207 701 6111 plus you can call them to ask advice and they are very friendly ..a couple of moms that set it up a while ta go to provide an informal site to help parents and childcarers alike..good luck and hope it helps..ps where in sw london are you and if i know anyone in that area i can let you..

Issymum - as ever, thanks for your considered input. I think the real problem is that it is the first time all this has happened. Once the inital tie has been broken, I think we can all be a lot more business-like about it. Its not that we aren't business-like with our nanny, actually, its just that in 3.8 years she has moved very much into the fabric of our life (my mother sends her christmas presents, her mother comes up from Dorset for the occasional day to see the children and her grandfather made a fantastic hand made wooden toy farm for Ds and shop for DD both of which our nanny spent literally weeks hand painting!) Its going to take time before we have that sort of relationship with someone again, even if they are absolutely fantastic on day 1. She will obviously stay in contact through phone and email but will be in Australia for the next 2 years.

I think why I am having a bit of a wobble is that it also throws a whole lot of things into relief about the way we live our life: we really need our nanny to be excellent as DH and I work fairly long hours (hence also my touchiness re the agency who told me the hours were too long - it feels like a comment on my lifestyle, particularly coupled with the comment that we may be underpaying, which we categorically are not!) A friend of mine works part time and her husband works from home, so she always feels that if her nanny is a bit crap they can smooth it out (and interestingly all of her many nannies have been a bit crap, so its like a self-fulfilling prophecy!) We don't have the luxury of being quite so insouciant.

Interestingly, DH just sees this as a problem to be overcome - it doesn't seem to have any emotional resonance with him at all. Maybe I need to think more like a man (although to be fair to him he is off work at the moment looking after the children and when I looked in his new very expensive leather courier bag yesterday all it had in it was a Kandoo wipe and a lego catalogue!)

I'm sure DS will get over it - but he is quite a self-contained little thing and you can never be quite sure what is going on with him (unlike his drama queen of a sister). He could quite easily fret for some time over who is going to be looking after him so I don't want to tell him that she is leaving until we can also present the other side of the equation.

The nanny agency said that if we had another baby it would make the job more attractive - DH's ears pricked up at that!

The nanny friend who I am tapping up - let's call her "Ashley Cole" for the sake of convenience - is coming for a chat this weekend.

Ignore this nosey question if you like, Anchovy, but what hours do you have nanny for and what rate of pay? I ask because I feel like the quaility of nanny we had for our last round of interviews poorer than had been the case in the past and I did wonder if there were hours / pay issues. Our job is 50 hours p/w and £7.50 net per hour - I began to get the impression this is bottom of the bracket these days... I do sympathise hugely with your situation. We have had three nannies (two brilliant) and when they go it is like losing a limb...

I live in SW London. Our current hours (live out) are 8am to 7pm (although I am saying 7.45am to 7.15pm for the new nanny just so they know the worst case-scenario and are pleasantly surprised, not standing there with their coats on looking tight lipped when we get in at about 7.05pm). Current pay is (net) £415 per week. I think that is very slightly above market - the good agency said that we should start with £400 but be negotiable - the "problem" with having a nanny for a longish period is that you have to give pay rises and if they stay they do start to outstrip where you would start with a new nanny - for example it seemed obvious to offer a pay rise when we had a second child as her job had changed substantially, but if we had started with 2 we would not have offered much different from having one. If we do end up with our nanny's mate, I suspect she will "inherit" the same salary (as I know they all discuss these things!)

My impression last time we recruited was that a lot of nannies were expecting £8 net an hour (we are in East London, not exactly nanny nirvana, though) but it is hard to know whether that was aspirational or standard. Our nanny effectively gets a few hours off in the day to study whilst younger child at nursery school which is a sort of quid pro quo for the slightly lower rate. It's hard to know how much variation there is across areas.

Think i might become a nanny, i had no idea it was so well paid.