Live in nannies - some advice please

[TheAtterySquash]

I have an Australian nanny coming to live with us next month. She?s not, strictly speaking, a nanny ? she came via an au pair agency and doesn?t have any formal childcare qualifications, and I think is described as a ?child carer from overseas?. But she isn?t really an au pair, either in terms of her pay levels or her reasons for wanting to be here (obviously she?s not coming to learn English, she wants to get more hands on experience of young children and spend some time in the UK).

Anyhow, I?ve started to think about how we manage the relationship. I know an au pair would expect to be told the ?house rules? but would the same apply to a live in nanny? I think I probably do need to set some ground rules, but have no idea where to start. Is it, for example, reasonable to expect her to be responsible for her own washing/tidying and cleaning her room etc? And what about meals ? I know that I am providing board and lodging, but would a live in nanny expect to have her meals provided, or just food that she could then cook (I don?t mind cooking for her, but don?t want the pressure of producing elaborate meals night after night ? I?m more of an egg on toast kind of person)? And how do I keep tabs on the food budget ? do I say ?you can eat anything in the fridge and let me know if there?s anything else you would like? or do I give her money to buy her own food?

Should I be setting rules about the phone (I?m going to provide a mobile for her) and overnight guests? Or is that not appropriate for a nanny?

I suppose my question is, am I supposed to treat her like a guest who I pay to look after my children, or is it more reasonable to view her as someone who shares my living space and therefore has a responsibility to pull her weight in all respects (e.g. put out the rubbish when the bin is full, or replace the milk if it runs out)? I don?t really want to feel that I have another child to look after.

It all feels a bit confusing (though she, I would stress, is lovely and I?m really looking forward to having her around).

She is a live in nanny (as are au pairs these days but that, quite literally, is another thread).

No, you don't treat her like a guest - it's more a mix of employee, lodger and housemate.

employee - because you pay her to do a job, you provide her with a contract etc and need to be able to manage her doing that. Incidentally you mention pay levels - have you checked whether you're over the limit for tax/NI and made arrangements for that? As she's Australian she presumably won't have a national insurance number either.
lodger/housemate - adult non-family member sharing your living space so should be capable of doing own washing, tidying and cleaning (although she may do her laundry in with the children's if that forms part of her duties), may prepare her own food or may eat with you/the children in the evening BUT with a slight family element in that she will probably expect to use any food which is in the fridge. Lodger because she will probably want her own time apart and her room should be her room even if the door is open, whereas I just used to wander into my housemates' rooms for a natter!

You will work out the food thing as it goes along. I personally have never eaten with the parents and depending what the children are having I may have it with them, I may have a token portion so I'm eating at the same time and some pasta later or I may go out! Or may have gone...

Most nannies have an awareness of the general ground rules but there are things which are specific to each family. Your house, your rules. You don't want overnight guests then you say so. Providing a mobile phone is good as you can then reasonably expect her to be contactable, however I would limit the credit. You can certainly set ground rules about the phone - no-one wants to be woken up in the middle of the night - and you don't want to be saddled with long-distance bills either - but that said most people use skype these days. If there's any special food you don't want her to eat you can say that, if there's anything she'd like you to buy then she can always ask. It's a good idea to set up a list on the fridge so she can note if you're out of milk/her favourite yoghurts. If you expect her to fetch milk you'll need to make that clear to her as part of her duties and provide her with a kitty (you can request receipts to keep tabs on it).

Many of these things should be going in the job description in the contract - in her working hours she should be maintaining a hygeinic environment which certainly extends to putting a full bin out - and you can put something in about abiding by the house rules, which you can detail in an appendix.

IMO it's better to lay everything out up front, then at least you've said it, and also to have it written down so when she inevitably asks if her new boyfriend can come and stay the night you can refer back to the rules and say 'we said we didn't want overnight guests, you agreed'. I expect as you get to know and trust her you'll be a little more flexible though, and if you know the boyfriend etc then you can make exceptions, but it's hard to go the other way and start drawing lines in the sand. It also, to a certain degree, depends how old she is on the overnight guests front.

We operate a you-pu-it-oo-the-list and I-buy-it system. So she adds what she wants the following week and we add it to the grocery list. These additions have to be within reason and I have to maintain my usual grocery budget. I don't promise she gets everything she asks for. But, then, DH and the kids are subject to the same budgetary limits. I do not run out to the store and buy on demand. I do a weekly shop and expect her to be organised to get her requests on the list in time for the weekly shop.

Room and board means I provide a room and food. I expect her to clean the room and prepare the food just as I would. I don't expect to cook for the nanny/au pair and I don't expect her to cook for me.

You definitely should have a set of house rules. I think the difference is that the rules might be different for your nanny than they are for a 17 year old au pair. For example, I would say when she has to be home, but I would expect her to get up sober for her job. My au pair and I split the rubbish day duties. She takes out the rubbish and I do the recycling... except yesterday when we both forgot and DH did it.

What kind of mobile are you providing? I do a payg and give her £30/month for it.

Oh, must proof my sloppy posts. Sorry for typos. I wouldn't say when she has to be home, incidentally.

I knew what you meant!

Very helpful, thank you.

To answer some of your points ? I think she will be slightly above the tax and NI threshold. I hadn?t thought about the NI number point, I will talk the agency ? they know what she?s being paid, so must have some idea what the approach should be.

I was planning on giving her a contract mobile in my name ? nothing fancy, around £15 a month for 300 minutes/text. If she exceeds that, she?ll have to pay the extra. I don?t think that?s unreasonable ? I worked out that once all of my bills are taken into account, she will have around the same amount of disposable income as I do each month!

In terms of costs, my current (live out) nanny has a debit card linked to a current account that I top up from time to time. She keeps all the receipts, so I can see what she?s spending. I would think I would probably start with a cash kitty, then hand the card over to her once she?s settled in.

I do want her to eat with the children during the week where possible ? they really like doing this with our current nanny, and I get home from work so late that it?s nice for them to have a sociable meal with an adult. So I suppose it?s more about her making sure that she cooks something they all want to eat. As far as weekends go, I am out and about quite a bit (dcs spend alternate weekends with their father) but I?d be very happy to eat with her if she wanted to, I think.

She has mentioned Skype as a way of staying in touch ? she?s bringing her laptop, and will be able to use my WiFi, so I don?t see her needing to make international calls.

She?s 22 ? so definitely not a nervous teenager. She is very capable and confident, I am not worried about having to look after her. As far as overnight guests go, I don?t mind her having friends to stay if she gives me some notice. I would probably hesitate about boyfriends ? certainly at the start, and definitely not if the dcs are around. I don?t think a curfew will be necessary or appropriate.

I really want to make her feel welcome ? am going to have a think about putting together a little welcome pack. Maybe a prepaid Oyster card and a starbucks card, some chocolate, a couple of magazines, a couple of photo frames that she can put up in her room. Any thoughts welcome?

Make sure you put into your contract that she will be responsible for any amount of £15 on the mobile bill. If it's not in your contract, i think you will have a hard time enforcing that.

I don't allow boyfriends to spend the night either. I'm quite happy for friends/family to come visit us.

You think she'll be above the threshold for both tax and NI? Or just where she accumulates NI contributions but doesn't pay tax? Have you made arrangements for operating PAYE if necessary? Or familiarised yourself with the thresholds and your responsibilities if she's over the threshold for NI but not tax?

The nanny will need to apply for an NI number - guidance here

From experience of working internationally sshe probably won't have brought much in the way of toiletries with her so nice smellies would be appreciated, plus a warm dressing gown and slippers as she's coming over from summer! An A to Z, along with a prepaid Oyster card, is a good idea. Chocolate is almost always appreciated and the Starbucks card and magazines are a lovely idea too. I always missed books when I moved - they're non-essential items when you have a weight limit.

She might occasionally want to call - I mostly skype my friends/parents but sometimes I do phone them if we haven't arranged a skpye date for the near future and they're not online and I want to talk to them, so whilst she'll skype 99% of the time it might be an idea to have a policy (which can always be flexed in case of emergency).

I think there have been threads about what to put in nanny's room before - try searching this section :)