Au pair and boyfriend. WWYD ?

[Julesnobrain]

Hi newish AP been with us end of Jan. End of Feb we had her sister to stay a week ( she was 12) as she had not been to UK before. We thought that was ok even tho we have a restricted guest rule eg.Ask permission (she did) etc.

Then AP asked for boyfriend (from Sweden) to stay for 4 nights and we said no. In house rules doc we have a no men in house overnight rule but said we would let her finish early on the Fri evening so she could max time with him and that he could meet kids with her from school on Friday and go straight to the sports club for kids classes and have coffee there before I collect children and meet him. Dh and I also emphasised she was not to come back to house on Friday with him after dropping kids as it was my FIL funeral yesterday and DH would not be in condition to be socially polite to strange Swede sat in his kitchen.

Two things I want mums net advice on 1) on Thursday lunchtime she text me and said could he come in , have lunch before they went to hotel. I was a bit surprised she asked me as DH was working from home but thought maybe he was on a conference call and she not want to disturb him. In fact dh told me yesterday boyfriend was in house from 9.30 am after kids drop off and had disturbed him on a call with loud bedroom antics . She had not realized at first DH was at home and DH thinks she sent that text to cover herself.

2. we came home from funeral yesterday and there was boyfriend sat in kitchen. Both DH and i were quite upset and overwrought and it was horrible to have make polite very strained hellos in my own home.

I feel she has pushed our boundaries, been inconsiderate and just doesn't get it. I will next see her Monday night and I was not going to say anything in front of boyfriend. What would you do....

Hi Jules. So sorry for your loss. I would be texting your selfish little brat of an au pair - Behaviour unacceptable. Collect bags Monday.

What does your guests policy say about the Thursday? As in bringing him home when you're not there. The bedroom antics is a bit but she probay wouldn't have done it if she'd known your DH was around. The retrospective text isn't a great sign but is it possible it went astray and you got it later than it was sent? Lunch/sex - same difference and if your DH hadn't been home you wouldn't have known about that bit.

From your OP it doesn't sound like you'd specified he wasn't allowed over not overnight when you're not there.

The Friday incident I'd be having a serious word with her about. You'd said no, presumably with an explanation why, and she blatantly ignored it. The ignoring is never good but in this case you had very reasonable grounds and 'the fact she still ignored it is incredibly insensitive.

I guess this boils down to trust really. If you'd still be able to trust her with the children then I'd have a stern word and make it clear that it was not acceptable and possibly that you expect her to apologise to DH for the awkwardness caused (depends on how your DH feels about that). If you think this has completely broken things down then explain what went wrong, give her notice under your contract (I'd be tempted to pay in lieu unless you really need the childcare and there's no other option) and let her go.

Personally the Thursday incident would annoy me but I'd let her know I knew and wasn't impressed but prepared to move on. The Friday one would finish it.

Sorry about your FIL. I would class her behaviour, going agaisnt your wishes after you'd stated that you didnt want him in the house on friday, as gross misconduct. It wasnt like she forgot to ask you and then brough him round, she asked you, and you made it clear the answer was no, for acceptable reasons.

It was also the fact that she was not only going against your wishes, but also being very unthoughtful towards you and DH, after she knows you were going to your FIL's funeral.

That's without the loud bedroom antics.

I dont think I could trust her in the future.

I think the being in the house after the funeral is much worse than the sex in your house (were the children there?).

This has to be marked as serious misconduct unless you are going to let her go.

Sorry for your loss .

Hi no the children were not there. They were at school. I had been very specific no males allowed in house at any time with children present

Why do you have a no men in house overnight rule? I believe that if you try and constrain an adult of 19-21 years old in this way it will lead to problems.

On the other hand, expecting 2 visitors to stay in the first 2 months is not on. We say nobody to stay in the first 6 months if this is the first time living away from home (she needs to find her own feet first), or 3 months otherwise (although we have relaxed this when we felt it was appropriate).

But it was your rule, and in order to have a normal relationship with her boyfriend she broke it, in a very inconsiderate way. If this has damaged your relationship irreperably, you have to ask her to leave.

What she did on Friday is unacceptable

to want to come home to peace after a funeral is NOT unreasonable at all. For him to be there then was VERY rude.

as for this rule "I had been very specific no males allowed in house at any time with children present
" seems bizarre and sexist?
If she were a lesbian would females be allowed in your house?

Sorry for your and your dh's loss Julesnobrain.

I have had au pairs myself and know how hard it is when there are problems and the person concerned is living away from home in your house.

I'm not going to say much except that I'm baffled why other posters think that your rule about not having men in the house at any time when children are present is unreasonable! I would not want any Tom, Dick or Harrry visiting or staying o/n. In the day, the children might well be sat in front of the tv whilst the ap and friend were otherwise occupied - maybe very noisily, at night it could be very uncomfortable for you meeting the latest beau on the landing in boxers going to the bathroom or in the kitchen having breakfast etc. No way. Not in my home. Maybe if I had a completely separate annex and it was a long term partner but not otherwise.

Oh, yes. My first ap expected me to put up (and provide full meals for) her mother and mother's partner, her brother and her father in the 7 months she was here. Feeding two extra people for 9 days or so and giving them board is not on imo. When the first two arrived, they stayed locally and I helped chauffeur them around a bit and offered a meal or two and that was it.

Having persevered in a similar situation with an au pair and having a whole series of similar behaviour from her that meant by the end of her scheduled time with us I was a wreck, I would ask her to leave.

Either a person is the type to act responsibly and with respect to the rest of the household or they are the type to ignore your wishes and bend/break the house rules. She hasn't had a momentary lapse of judgement. She has taken your hospitality for granted (we were very much used as a 'free hotel' for our au pairs sisters, best friend, boyfriend and mother..all separate visits in a 5 month period and all involving us paying out for meals etc) and she has ignored a very reasonable request. Give her notice.

Just to add... i said how Friday was unacceptable

i didnt make clear, that it was so bad / rude and blatently disobediant, that IMO you would NOT be unreasonable to ask her to leave / sack her etc.

Do you have to follow disciplinary procedures for au pairs? (i have no idea) But surely blatently disobeying you and going directlt against your wishes is gross misconduct.

Your house is NOT a hotel, and you were perfectly entitled to come home and not find him (or anyone else) there.
Him being there was extreamly thoughtless and disrespectful in the circumstances, and if i were you, i wouldnt want her in my house any more either.

(when i worked for a family and the parent died I re-aaranged all our plans and play dates etc to ensure they happened else where... ok i didnt live there, just worked there mon -fri, but the situation was clearly sensitive, and i wouldnt have dreamed of putting my bosses through having another adult in their house, at such a difficult time... even though they knew and had met all the nanny friends. It is simple respect that there are certain things you just 'dont' do, and shouldnt even need to be asked (or told) not to do them)

Nannyl - you need to follow what is in the contract, which is overruled by standard employment law if there's a conflict.

If this were specified as gross misconduct then instant dismissal would be possible. If this is still in the probationary period then a reduced notice may apply, otherwise it's whatever's specified in the contract (or, in the absence of a specified period, 1 week).

Disciplinary not necessary as notice can be given for any reason under 1 year, as with any employee, however I think if you want to mention it in a reference you'd need to make it clear to the AP why you were letting them go.

true...

i my last (nanny) contract i had under the gross misconduct section that it included words to the effect of
"deliberately dis-obeying or not following reasonable and lawful requests / instructions from bosses"

I think what au pair did is that... just wonder if that clause is written in?

Thank you for all advice. I thought it was unacceptable but wanted to sense check I was not being too draconian or unreasonable. The Thursday situation was irksome but I am very annoyed re Friday.

I have decided to sit down on Monday eve with her and ask why she felt that was acceptable. We are going to enforce a stricter visitor ban ie no one else to stay. She is only here till end of June anyway. If I think she was just being thoughtless and she apologizes then that will be the end of the matter. If not then I will pay her notice in lieu ( I do 3 weeks) and stick her on a flight home.

I don't have anything in the contract I could specifically use as gross misconduct . (Which for me is instant dismissal no notice.) To be honest I don't think her actions warrant that.

I'm glad this thread has been helpful to you. I hope the discussion on Monday goes well.

How'd it go op?

Thanks Dozer. Sat AP down and calmly asked what her motivation was re Friday night. Long story short she says she did not realize it was intrusive and misunderstood that he was not to be in house. She apologized to DH. Have reiterated our boundaries, what is acceptable and what is not. I did not bring up her actions on Thursday.

She genuinely seemed upset her actions had upset us. I am hoping she was just being 'teenagerish'

That's good, Hope you have no more problems.

I think you are being too tolerant. She has no social radar - noisy sex and bad behaviour surrounding the funeral were simply not acceptable. This isn't going to improve and I anticipate further problems. I'd get rid of her.