Diplomatic way of saying............

[new2cm]

"the parent-figures have little control over this child."

After months of what has clearly been an ordeal for an au-pair (and probably for the host family too), the au-pair has handed in her notice and is leaving.

Having listened to the au-pair's account, my own opinion is that the family are in need of a "supernanny" type nanny rather than an au-pair.

The au-pair agrees with me but in her opinion, the family hires au-pairs (she understands that she is the 6th au-pair in 4 years) because the family is not willing to pay for a nanny.

The au-pair has been asked to write a 'summary' of her placement. The au-pair strongly believes that this placement is wholly unsuitable for a 'new' au-pair or someone with little or no experience of looking after children. By experience, I mean solid first hand experience of looking after other people's children (i.e unrelated) rather than babysitting stints or looking after siblings.

The au-pair believes that most of the problems within the family stems from the fact that neither the parents or grandparents seem unable to get the child to do simple tasks (eg getting out of bed, or doing their homework) unless they bribe the child. As a result, the child is very spoilt, talks-back frequently and does not listen or at times, even acknowledge the parent's request.

Sorry for the long ramble. It's written in the I hope I have managed to explain why the au-pair and I believe the importance of this child getting the 'right' person next time round.

The leaving au-pair has informed the agency of everything written here. Apparently though, the previous au-pair (whom the leaving au-pair has spoken to since starting with the family) had also told the agency the same thing. Yet the au-pair I spoke to was offered and allowed to take on this placement, despite having informed the agency that her only experience of looking after children was that of her nieces and nephews!

The au-pair would have posted herself, but has very little confidence all told at the moment and in any case, she can only access a computer at college or the local library. I speak fluent French and German, hence how I know all this.

The parents and grandparents do get to read the summary, hence the need for diplomacy.

What's wrong in giving them this summary? It's not rude and it explains the situation.

I wish but something tells me the agency will ask her to re-write!

Instead of saying "the parent-figures have little control over this child." How about saying what the child needs...

So saying something along the lines of the child needs someone who is firm, kind, consistent. Someone used to children of that age (I would guess the child is aged 8 or so), used to encouraging children to do homework.

The children in this family or very confident and spirited and I think the family would benefit from someone a little older with lots of experience with challenging children and willing to support the parents in the bringing up of the children.

FourFortyFour

That's it! Thank you! I did recommend to the au-pair to describe the child as "spirited".

You are spot on with, "and willing to support the parents in the bringing up of the children." That's exactly what that family needs, and that's what the au-pair who is leaving could not do.
Why could I not think of that sentence?

Once again, thank you and will pass it on to the au-pair during tomorrow.

I am so grateful for this forum, it's inspirational.

Oh dear. Poor girl and poor everyone else involved. I've encountered children like this and it's not pretty. Can she give concrete examples?

E.g. When asked to get in the car to go to school, child flat out refuses. When asked again he yells a mouthful of expletives and will even kick, bite and punch. The situation always ends in the child having to be forcibly dragged to the car kicking and screaming and held down by one adult whilst another straps him in.

Nobody can argue with that if it's truly what happens, can they?

MeantToStopAtTwo - That's exactly what has happened on several occasions.

The last straw involved one particular incident regarding not getting out of bed and missing a day of school as a result. The au-pair was very upset that she was blamed for his absence off school, whilst the boy was told that if he got out of bed by 7.30am on 7 mornings in a row, he would receive another presenty - typically, a video-type game.

The au-pair could not believe that the mother was bribing her son to undertake the very basic every day activity; that of getting out of bed.

In her opinion, school aged children should be able to get out of bed on their own in the mornings. The au-pair does not object to having to wake him up. However, she does object to having to pull the child out of bed - as requested by the parents - especially when this action results in her getting kicked, screamed/yelled at and spat at by the child.

The au-pair is in her early 20s, and this sort of behaviour is alien to her. By her own admittance, she is not cut-out for this sort of placement.

Should have said are nor or.

It might be worth saying something along the lines that the parent's expectations towards child-rearing are very different from her experiences and she recommends potential au pairs discuss this carefully. So basically saying the next AP needs to ask some probing questions...

I am wondering what this 'summary' is really for? Did the family suggest she write it?

I think the two of you trying to help this family get the best au pair next time may be wasting your time. If the family has done this before I wonder whtehr anything will change. If you really feel so inclined go ahead but...

Is she worried about her reference from the family? Because it sounds to me like this document is meant to give some account of her time with them and that that reading between the lines she may want to make it clear she wasn't 'to blame' for not controlling his behaviour or incidents that happened, etc.

If you suspect this could be the case, i would be careful about her putting anything at all in writing to the family.

'The au-pair does not object to having to wake him up. However, she does object to having to pull the child out of bed - as requested by the parents - especially when this action results in her getting kicked, screamed/yelled at and spat at by the child.'

I think she should say pretty much exactly that in the summary.

The au-pair is in her early 20s, and this sort of behaviour is alien to her. By her own admittance, she is not cut-out for this sort of placement.

Who the hell would be, I think the agency should take this family off their books if their staff are being assaulted, do the parents know, were they mortified ?

OP: The last thing this AP needs is to get embroilled in some sort of dispute with these people who may be looking to demonstrate in some way that she was incompetent. Tell her to cut and run and not to get drawn into any documents. She can have an 'exit interview' with them where she shares some of her thoughts but I'd leave it at that and move on.

And the paernts never carry things through anyway.

Take this 7.30am wake up thing. It was introduced on a Thursday night. Friday morning, no problems, child gets up without any fuss. That week-end, the au-pair met up with other pupils from college to visit a well known tourist attraction. On her return that the Sunday night, she found the boy playing with a new game, which he told her was his present for getting up in the mornings.

Somewhat baffled, the au-pair asked the parents. The parents replied that since the child had got up on the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday and it was just the Thursday that he missed, they thought he "deserved his treat."

The summary is (from what I can understand) for the next au-pair. However, before the agency sends the summary to the next au-pair, the host family vets/checks the summary first, to ensure that they agree it is a fair and truthful representation of their family.

The au-pair is a little worried about her reference from the family. Having said that, whilst speaking to me, she would also add, "although I am beyond caring now. I just want out."

I am hoping that she can get away with writing a one paragraph summary along the lines of:

The child is very confident and spirited. I think the family would benefit from a self-assured au-pair with lots of experience with lively children. The au-pair must be willing to support the parents in the bringing up of the child.

and leave it at that!

I agree with you HarrietTheSpook. Best for her to move on.

People often forget that au pair agencies earn their money from parents by placing au pairs with them. Six placements in four years? Sounds like a dream client - they manage to keep their au pairs just long enough to avoid a reduction in fees :(

I agree with Harriet, there is nothing that she can put in writing that can do her or any new au pair any good; she doesn't owe the parents or the agency anything. Whilst she might want to help any potential replacement by warning her about the situation I am afraid it is unrealistic to believe that this is what the agency or the parents will do with what she writes.

mamatomany,

I do not know the mother well and I don't know the father. My personal opinion is that they know there is a problem, but then again maybe not. Based on my limited childminding experience, there are somethimes things which are so obvious to me but is news to the parents.

Thank you all for your advice. I very much appreciate it.

I will also include what nannynick said about the need for someone who is used to encourage children to do their homework!