What does your au pair do?

[aliceinlalaland]

I'm on my 3rd au pair now. It's worked out ok on the whole (I'm freelance so it's really the only viable option because I don't know what my hours will be from one week to the next, which rules out nurseries/childminders etc) but, I can't help feeling I could be 'managing' the situation better. I seem to end up doing quite a lot for them and also, I'm never sure how flexible the weekly hours are i.e. are they 'working' from the minute they come down in the morning, even if you're still there etc?

I'd be really grateful if you would tell me about your au pair experiences: how many hours a week? how much do you pay them? what do they actually do? do they muck in with the house work as another adult in the house or do you consider that part of their official working hours? does it work well for you?

Plus any tips you have on getting on with them, building a good relationship with them.

Thanks v much all

Ours work 35 hours a week. Monday to Friday. 7.30am - 9.00am and then 2.30pm - 8.00pm. They have set tasks. Am get kids dressed, do breakfast, take kids to school, pm Hoover house, do some washing, tidy toys, iron or change beds, collect children, play, dinner, homework, bath and bed.

I work sometimes from home and sometimes in office. If I am in and available I assist with all of the above and we work as a team. This gives you the chance to build rapport and relationship. Also I never ask them to do anything I wouldn't do myself and I know how long each job should take and can demonstrate this. We pay £80 a week

Our au pair does 25 hours each week. 3 days she does 7.30am-9am (breakfast with 2 children, supervise teeth and face washing and getting dressed for school/nursery, then walking eldest to school. Same days, 3-7pm (pick up eldest from school, play, prepare tea and sit with dd while she eats it, listens to reading etc, then help with bedtime routine). Additionally, she does about 7.5 hours cleaning (mop/hoover floors, dusting, changing childrens' bedlinen) and ironing a week. I always say that as long as they choose a time and stick with it, I don't mind when it gets done providing that at least 1 session of ironing is done after Tuesday as I plough through the washing at the beginning of the week - so far both have chosen to do 3 mornings on the days they are otherwise working. Plus a couple of evenings babysitting when needed - we always use one session but often don't need any more.

I am there in the mornings and generally make packed lunches, sort laundry and only step in when needed whilst she is in charge. In the evenings, I tend to lead the way once I get home and au pair helps occupy youngest while I have some 1-on-1 with the eldest, or vice versa.

As an adult in the house, we ask that she cooks one evening each week and helps with clearing away/loading the dishwasher/washing up after we've eaten. The bins are emptied on a day I am out at work - we'll put them out ready the night before, but she brings them in during the day after the dustcart has gone past. Also, generally tidy up after herself - this is her home but not a hotel! That isn't part of her hours - she just does it as part of the adult 'team'.

Current au pair regularly goes above and beyond - little things like putting away a pile of laundry I've sorted but not yet rehomed, as well as huge things in a crisis, such as really stepping up when one child (and therefore I) was suddenly taken into hospital earlier this year. I do try to 'name check' and thank her specifically for things to show that I noticed and appreciate it. I pay £65 each week and don't generally give a cash bonus for going AAB, but I have given APs some extras I know she'll like - a lift home from the station at night so she doesn't have to pay for a cab, an unexpected top-up voucher for her mobile, a £10 gift card for the supermarket as I know she likes sweet treats and I usually don't have a lot in the house. A couple of times I've taken AP to the cinema to see something we both wanted to see but dh didn't, so we've had a girly evening.

I think it is easier that we have a defined routine that rarely changes - we all know what is expected.

I back up au pair if the kids are misbehaving always (and debrief with her later on what she did well or I might have approached differently). We almost always eat together as adults after the kids are in bed, so we do talk and connect every day and I think this helps with our adult relationship. We also invite her to come with us on family trips out - but it's OK if she declines.

Gosh that was long!

I pay £100 for 35 hours, but that's more than standard because we live in sticks which isn't popular and also because the AP has childcare experience and a degree in early years.

We give him set hours on a rota so that he sometimes gets four/5 days to himself every now and then, but the rota changes quite often and with little notice to accommodate things I need done and things that are happening in his life (eg if girlfriend flies in or he is invited to a party in London). The set hours only ever come to 30 per week and he knows that I expect him to 'use' the other 5 hours here and there in general helping out as and when he sees that something needs doing (eg nipping to shop for milk, that kind of thing).

During the scheduled 'hours' he knows that he is 'on duty' and that the kids are his responsibility. I might be there working alongside him but HE is doing the breakfast, getting them ready, whatever. He has a printed list of things I expect him to do during those set hours which cover:

1. Looking after kids, school runs, breakfast, etc
2. Family laundry through to ironing and putting away
3. Changing kids beds weekly
4. after school activities

I also schedule him in for some time at weekends and babysitting on Fridays or Saturdays every now and then, which he doesn't get paid extra for.

It varies from AP to AP. My previous AP used to take my DS to Butlins and do stuff like that, but I wouldn't have let any of the other AP's I have had do that. It's horses for courses so I adapt to fit the personality/competency of the AP wherever I can.

Things like tidying up after himself, wiping down the sides after breakfast, filling dishwasher etc are expected but not scheduled. When the APs are first there I simply go through a bit of 'this is our routine in the house and we expect you to do the same'

Tips are:

1. pay promptly and always pay extra in cash whenever they go above and beyond.
2. I treat them as I would expect to be treated: that means welcoming their friends in the house (they have to give notice) and allowing girlfriends to stay over now and then (though I maintain a right of veto and am lucky to have large enough house)
3. They are allowed to eat whatever is in the fridge and drink whatever they like. I will tell them if there is something I have that they are not allowed to take, but otherwise they treat the home as, well, a home. I may internally choke when they pour a dram of finest malt whisky and then add lemonade, but I wouldn't dream of saying anything.
4. When they are not on duty and we are doing family things they are always invited and know it is not to work but simply to be part of family. On such occasions they are not expected to look after the kids (though they often do it anyway).
5. When they are new I take quite a bit of time to introduce them to other AP's and show them sports centres etc.

OK, this is really helpful. Thank you. This is my situation and I'd really, really appreciate some advice:

I have 2 DDs 3 and 1. DD1 goes to nursery 3 mornings a week. I work mostly from home but do the occasional day in the office. So, on a normal week, I try to work at home in the mornings while she looks after DD2 (and mon & fri DD1 as well), then she has the afternoons off. If I am doing a whole day in the office, I ask my Mother to come over from lunchtime so that the au pair is only on her own for a half day. I should add that she is 25 and has trained as a nurse in her home country. She babysits twice a week, once on a Friday or Saturday night and once during the week - by this I mean that I almost always put the kids to bed before we go out and she just has to keep the monitor with her (so if she wants to go to bed, she just keeps her door slightly ajar and I collect it when we get in). Her flat rate is £70 a week but I usually give her £80/90 to allow for the fact that the children are a bit younger and she is doing the occasional full day. If she does a full day (with my mum helping out) I give her another weekday off. I ask her to be down for 8am in the morning and she takes the bins out, helps to give the kids their breakfast/clear up after breakfast etc and wipe down the kitchen surfaces (though she rarely actually does this). I do pretty much all the cooking but she does generally help to clear up after meals when she's around. I do all the washing but she hangs it up (and puts away the kids' clothes when they are dry). We always invite her to join in with any family activities and eat meals with us etc.

But, she's never left her home country, never ever goes out, goes to bed at 8pm every night and seems permanently exhausted, hasn't taken to city life etc (we live in London) - and just generally doesn't seem very happy. She gets on well with the children, and they like her, but she seems very anxious about a lot of things.

Also ? and I think this last bit is my mistake/misunderstanding but I'd appreciate someone clarifying for me ? because she is in every night, I thought it would be ok to (occasionally) pop out for a short time once the kids have gone to bed. E.g. I'm do quite a bit of community work and had hoped to pop out last night after the kids were asleep to a meeting. I'd have been just around the corner so would have come straight back if either of the kids had woken (which they very very rarely do) but she isn't at all happy with it and when we do go out on the set babysitting evenings she seems very worried about it and wants to know exactly what time we'll be back, which seems a bit odd to me when she can go to bed anyway and we have only once been out what I would consider 'late' in the whole time she's been with us. I appreciate that the official line is 2 nights a week but it seems a bit daft to me that I can't, for example, nip out for a half hour run once the kids are asleep when there's another adult in the house (DH works v long hours so is never around in the evenings). The last two au pairs we've had have been fine with that and, on the official babysitting evenings, have generally had their friends round in the evening for a meal so quite enjoyed having the house to themselves for a bit.

In other ways though she's fine and DD2 was admitted to hospital recently and she had to do some extra hours with DD1 and it was incredibly helpful having her about in an emergency.

So, please be honest and tell me whether it sounds like a fair arrangement or whether I'm expecting too much. It may be that having an au pair is not the right route for me but I just don't know what other childcare arrangement would work around my working hours and with a DH who is away from home so much. Thanks v much, ladies

Just reread my message and wanted to clarify re my 'popping out' when kids are in bed: she has just recently said that she doesn't want me to leave the house more than one weekday evening and of course I haven't done so, I didn't mean I've been going out knowing she's unhappy with it. I suppose what I'm asking is, if you had an au pair living with you and you wanted to go out for a half hour run after the kids are in bed, or nip to the shop or something, but it wasn't an official babysitting evening would you think that was reasonable? I'd be happy to pay her extra for it but I don't think that's the problem, she just doesn't want to do it.

Aha. The problem isn't you. You just have a domestic dementor. I had one of those once. I'd lay money that she likes watching 'Living TV' a lot (or back episodes of Friends).

You need to replace her. Seriously. Being good with your kids is not enough if she drives you to distraction and hasn't got an ounce of 'oomph' in her. I'll dig up the thread I posted about my own experience and link it in a sec.

StillSquiffy - loving the term domestic dementor...

To be fair she doesn't even watch TV. She doesn't have TV/internet etc at home, she doesn't read, she doesn't want to meet other au pairs. If I go into her room to ask her something when she's not working she's often lying in bed fully clothed with the duvet over her just looking up at the ceiling. I do feel for her because I think she's really struggling with the pace of life here.

Would love to see that thread though - thanks v much for posting, was really beginning to think that I was doing something drastically wrong.

Here you go. Looking back I cannot believe I put up with her for so long.

I also found on the web 'Dementors feed off human happiness, and thus cause depression and despair to anyone near them...They can understand and follow at least simple instructions...though the extent to which Dementors can communicate is unclear..The very presence of a Dementor can make the victim's surrounding atmosphere grow cold and dark, and those that are kept in the company of a Dementor for too long tend to become depressed, and are often driven insane'. Yup. that was my old gal

StillSquiffy - just to clarify, do you think the workload I'm giving her sounds fair? I just don't have anything to compare it with because no-one I know uses au pairs and I don't want to take the piss obviously. I'm aware that because my DCs are v young it's quite a lot of responsibility but that's why I picked someone older with good first aid skills etc and pay her extra.

Brilliant - thanks for the link, will read now!

Crikey Squiffy, she sounds awful. Though to be fair some of that is familiar... I think I actually just need to sit her down and ask her straight if she's unhappy, to which I think she will say that she likes us and she likes the children but that she hates being in London' in which case I should perhaps give her the opportunity to leave early, which might be the best option for all of us.

Have a feeling it's going to be a really difficult conversation - hate this sort of thing. Nevermind, shall have to grow up and deal with it.

I can't see anything that seems totally out of order in the hours/responsibilities you are giving her, no.

I would say that saying she can go to bed while babysitting is a big no-no to me; many people who haven't had their own DC yet are very deep sleepers who wouldn't necessarily wake up to the noise of an upset/ill child on a monitor. This is why she may be uncomfortable with the extra impromptu babysitting, if she's feeling tired.

Sounds to me like she's suffering from depression and/or homesickness. I'd have a frank chat, andb start looking for a new ap.

checkmate thanks that's v helpful. Maybe that's what she's worried about - I do find it hard to believe that she wouldn't hear the kids though, it isn't a big house, all the rooms are pretty close together, the monitor is uber-sensitive and both DDs have a hell of a set of lungs on them. Plus they so, so rarely wake up in the evenings (1am, 2am, 3am - is not unusual, but by that time it's my problem!) - but anyway, it's a v good point you make.

I don't see anything wrong except the unpaid extra not babysitting but watching the kids while you nip out. When they aren't your children it's very difficult to switch off even if they're in bed and if you're constantly on edge expecting your employer to ask you to watch the kids for half an hour it gets exhausting!

My top tip woukd be to write down what you're going to say and remain sympathetic but neutral. Focus on job performance not on the fact she likes to lie on her bed staring at the ceiling in her free time.

It does sound like quite a severe case of extended culture shock though.

Snap - yes, I see what you mean, though it really doesn't come up often so I'd hope she wasn't constantly on edge about it. But I obviously need to revise my expectations in that area!

Thanks for the tips re the discussion, that's v helpful - and yes, certainly won't bring up what she does/doesn't do in her spare time.

Um..I didn't think an aupair was supposed to have sole care of a child under 2? So maybe she wasn't expecting that part of the role?

Is she studying - she sounds lonely, and unsettled.

It tends to deped on the AP, their experience and (personally) their language/communication skills. I wouldn't leave an untrained teen with a 1yo, nor would I leave someone who was unable to communicate well (both in terms of modelling bad habits and because children with developing linguistic skills can be difficult to understand at the best if times, doubly frustrating if you're doing it in a foreign language).

Presumably the OP's AP knew what the job involved before coming over, though, and was happy with it?

It's true that young children can be quite isolating though. Perhaps she could take your DD2 out to some local activities and meet mums/nannies.

Yes, she knew all about the role before she came and was happy with it. And still is from that perspective I think i.e. the part of the job that she enjoys most is looking after DD2, who is one. And I am almost always in the house when she's looking after her. On the days when I'm in the office my mother comes in but there are sometimes a couple of hours here or there where she's on her own with DD. But then, as I say, she's 25, a trained nurse and has been an au pair before (albeit in her own country) so it's not like leaving a 1-year-old with an inexperienced teen. And that's why I pay her a bit extra.

Snap ? Agree that looking after young'uns can be very isolating. I definitely feel that myself. I have told her about local groups and suggested she goes along to them but she's very cautious about doing anything new. She's been to one. I suppose the thing to do would be to go to one with her then suggest she goes on her own with the DDs but it all takes time, which I don't have in abundance at the moment. I just keep hoping she'll take a bit of initiative.

She's studying English and goes to classes 2 afternoons a week. Our last au pair did the same and used to go out for coffees etc with the other students but she says there are too many of them to get to know or that the turnover is too quick. She's not used to socialising with people of different nationalities and also finds large groups of people 'tiring' so it does rather limit her options for meeting other people. My impression is that she doesn't want to. The agency she came through organises events for the au pairs so they can get to know each other but she says she doesn't have anything in common with any of them.

I can not believe how much reponsibility your au pairs seem happy to take on. Mine is supposed to do 25 hours a week, but rarely in my opinion does. she takes my son to school in the mornings at 8.00am and then brings him home abt 4.30ish in the afternoon.

One afternoon a week she takes him for his swimming lesson.

She will hoover once a week, and she unloads the dishwasher. She does however do most of the ironing. oh and she takes herself to college 2/3 times a week.

She loves sitting on the internet downloading films, she managed to use our entire monthly broadband allocation in 6days. DH was very displeased, probably our own fault as we told her she could use skype any time she liked.

That is as much as i can get her to do properly, because as I say she does most of the ironing, I feel that it is easier to just let finish her course in April and then let her go I just cannot be bothered to work all day managing staff and then come home and micro manage a woman of 25yrs.

My aupair is meant to work 25 hours a week, 7.30 -10.30 and 5-7. This should include a house clean twice a week, looking after DS2 for 20 minutes whilst I do the school run, ironing DH's shirts and looking after various DC's when I run around dropping off and picking children from after school activities with the occasional drop off at school when I have to go to work early. Also 2 nights babysitting per week.

In reality she does everything in my house and is like a full on housekeeper, worships the baby and is totally adored by my big ones. I have made it absolutely clear to her on dozens of occasions that I do not expect her to do 90% of what she does but she says that she has nothing else to do and that she enjoys it. She is truly wonderful and we all really like her. She doesn't want anything to do with us on her time off, refuses to eat with us, won't come out with us and prefers to be in her room on skype and watching movies.

I originally paid her £70 a week and now give her £90 a week or £100 if I feel that she has done so much more than she should. I feel really bad that she does all these things but as I said, I've told her time and again that I don't expect it and that she doesn't need to do it but she wants to, she truly genuinely does,and she knows that because it's entirely her choice I won't go above what I already pay her. I constantly suggest that she has a break, goes to stay with friends for a few days and has some time to herself but other than going out and staying at friends on a Friday night she never goes out.

Wow, benandholly, have only just seen your post. She sounds absolutely amazing! We're still struggling....