Talking to parents about possible Aspergers

[aspergersmaybe]

Have n/changed but am a reg.

My eldest charge is 11yo, in the 2 years I have been with them I have noticed more and more that he displays signs of Aspergers.

In more recent months it has become more and more apparent that this could be the case.

When looking at the list of Aspergers "symptoms" he fits it in every way possible

He starts secondary school in September and I genuinely think he needs to be diagnosed to receive the help he needs in secondary school

His parents, albeit lovely, are not easy to talk to, his dad just buries his head and his mum dismisses things easily, I need them to take it seriously.

Any thoughts or ideas are very welcome.

TIA

This is hard. My dad refused to believe my DB has Aspergers and he would probably have been very rude if it was suggested to him.

If I was in your position, I would wait until he's at secondary and send an anonomous letter to the school. Not very professional I know, but it may be the child the help that he needs.

it may get the child the help he needs

Handle with care!

I'm a SENCo and even don't always come right out and say what I think as I'm not qualified to diagnose ASD and not all parents want a 'label'. In fact I had a meeting only this morning with parents of a child who I am sure has ASD but they are not ready to hear it so instead we discussed strategies for helping him cope in school, etc and further advice for home.

They may be ready to hear it one day.

Does he struggle at school?

Thanks both,

He is bright, incredibly bright, his vocabulary and reading skill is astounding. As is his memory for certain things

His handwriting is very poor, very hard to read-his 8yo sister has neater, better handwriting

His social skills are non-existent, if hes asked a question by someone other then his parents or myself, he doesn't make eye contact, looks at me/parents or the floor.
He has no friends, this doesn't desperately bother him, he completely lacks the ability to make friends, he doesn't talk to them. he plays games in his own head, running and jumping and fighting things that he is imagining.

He doesn't understand his own feelings, he had a complete and utter meltdown because I confiscated something off him-he was adamant I had stolen it because it was HIS property, I was a thief etc etc
He gets completly overwhelmed by his feelings then it suddenly blows up and he can't understand why

He doesn't understand other people's feelings, he invades his sisters space constantly, he'll grab her round the neck, pull her, push her...he also has a baby sister that he cannot leave alone, he constantly is in her face despite me telling him 100000 times to stop, he has to hold her hands or pick her up or just wont leave her alone....not fun for a feisty 18m old

He HAS to know what we're doing and when etc, it took him over a year to understand that I may change plans last minute-he struggles with that

he has to be reassured all the time

Plus other things that just scream aspergers to me, I want him to be diagnosed asap so he can get the help he needs

Maybe send a letter to his current school, anonomously then, with very little detail so as not to ID yourself - personally, I'd write just one line. It is always very hard if one or both parents are not willing to consider it.

please be careful, remember that we are not HCPs and are not qualified to diagnose anything

I mean, what you describe could also be dyspraxia - the impulsivity, lack of awareness of others' personal space, the difficulty with changes of plan, poor handwriting

If the parents are not interested then there is not much that you can

I recommend you speak to your Early Years team, to get guidance

I agree with BALD. I would be extremely careful about writing anonymous letters.

It does sound like it could be Aspergers but if the parents aren't ready to hear it then you will potentially destroy the relationship.

Have you ever discussed any of this with them?

I wouldn't send an anonymous letter, that seems a bizarre thing to do.

If you raise something with the parents, it might actually be better to mention dyspraxia rather than aspergers, as I think it might be less scary for them than autism. Maybe use the fact that he's going to secondary school soon as a way to bring it up? For example - tell them about a friend's son who wasn't diagnosed with dyspraxia til after he started secondary and they wish they'd known earlier, suggest your charge has a couple of similar traits, do they think it could be anything.

I think you would be completely out of order to write to the school - that oversteps the mark IMO

If you feel you can talk to the parents about it then I don't think it would be inappropriate for you to share you thoughts - but be prepared for them to take it quite badly - I mean no offence, but you know you are not a HCP

I see no reason why you shouldn't contact the local Early Years team, or as at your local children's centre if there is a link teacher/advisor available to support childminders in dealing with children with difficulties

but if you do that, IMO you must keep it all completely anonymous - the advice you seek should be for you in supporting a child with these issues, not for this particular child IYSWIM

have a read, dyspraxia in children

NB I am absolutely NOT diagnosing here, just showing you a resource that I have found useful in the past; it also illuminates my point that what we the general public might assume a condition is (in this case, autism) may not be the case at all

PPS sorry for being po-faced x

With my DS it was a friend who'd suggested it to me that he could have Asperger's. She didn't tell me any more than that. Frankly I was quite shocked, and it needed time to sink in. When I'd calmed down a bit, and thought about it, I broached it with the school. They were relieved that I'd raised it, and asked if I wanted him referred. Which we did.

The REALLY freaky thing was, it was only as the Paediatrician went through the diagnosis, that I recognised myself in what she was describing... 1 year later I received a diagnosis as an adult!

This is some advice I posted elsewhere on MN, which I got from a book - Asperger Syndrome and Employment, by Sarah Hendrickx. She's written other books too. Its got a LOT of case by case information I can really relate to. Where people with AS talk about how they deal with things. And it shows the different reactions Aspies give in a given situation.

The bit I thought I could mention (well there's lots, but this in particular) is to do with what to do when you suspect someone has AS. I'll paraphrase it to suit (as its concerning a work situation):
"Imagine how you would feel if you were told you had autism and this is the first you'd heard about it. The likelihood is that you would be shocked, upset, angry and defensive. The approach you use is whether the person is aware they have difficulties and what kind of relationship you have with them.

1. Can you deal with the issues without mentioning your suspicions of AS?
2. What is your motivation for telling them?
3. Will it help the person to know? If so, in what ways?
4. What will happen if the person rejects your suggestions or is very offended?"

It then goes on to say if it needs to be raised, raise it in an informal, relaxed way. Casually mention that the person exhibits some aspects of AS and give them some information on AS characteristics that they can read at their leisure. Its important that the person knows why it is being raised and what issues need addressing. If they have AS, they might not be able to process this huge piece of information immediately, and will be unlikely to agree with it. They may not appreciate it but may be intrigued to find out more at a later date. It is important to reassure the person that the relationship will not be jeopardised by this discovery and there are no negative implications to having AS.

Agree to discuss in 2-3 weeks time but don't bring up the subject in the meantime If the person dismisses it, the subject should be dropped. Only if there is a H&S issue should it be pursued - this is a very delicate and sensitive matter (this last paragraph is obviously more relevant for a work situation, rather than family, but i've put it in for completeness).

Wow Dyspraxia is also him all over!

I'm not sending an anonymous letter, I think it's bizzare and yes, oversteps the mark.

I do completly, 100% know I am NOT a HCP, I know it comes across as me diagnosing him, but I'm not trying to, I just have strong, very very strong, suspicions

I don't think his parents will take it well, which is the problem

Thank you Mary, thats helpful :)

I have no idea what to do for the best tbh.

Thank you all :)

ring your EY team, gwan, they will help you, even if it's to say Do Nothing

I don't think there is anything wrong with you wanting to raise this and get help for him btw - he is lucky to have a carer who is as dedicated and loving as you clearly are

I just think you should be cautious - but you are being cautious :)

You're welcome. The other thing I'd say is that both DS and I also have Dyspraxia, but the primary diagnosis is Asperger Syndrome.

Thanks all,

I don't want to do anything behind their back in terms of letters or talking to teachers.

A good friend of mine used to be a support worker for children with autism and has vaguely mentioned it to men, only problem is she is a mum at the school my charges attend. I think the only reason we haven't spoken about it, is because neither of us want to talk about him or his mum behind their back,

I'd like to talk to her (as someone knowledgeable not just to talk behind mum bosses back) but I think it would be pretty inappropriate considering she knows us both (Albeit VERY rarely sees mum)

I think its great you're trying to help, and to do it in a sensitive way!

I can also recommend this forum:

Wrong Planet

I don't go there much now, but when I was seeking advice on obtaining a diagnosis, support, etc etc, it was an absolutely fantastic place to gain information. There are good and bad forums out there, but this is one of the biggest AND the best.