Being "barked" demands by child

[babyfatmustgo]

Hi im just wondering if anyone has any ideas on how to deal with 3 situations i have with a 2 year old minded girl.

Ill try to explain briefly.

I have now looked after her for over 3 months, she is unbelievably rude, lacks any manners and her hygiene is not very good.

Situation 1: - At initial visit her parents told me that they had her toilet trained at 14 months, ok im not an expert but to me that was a bit too young, they told me she was dry and didnt need nappies. The first couple of days she had over 12 accidents, i spend all my time cleaning up her accidents, i spoke to her mum immediately and she said that it never happened at home, i put it down to new scene nerves etc. but this has continued to the point now where im wondering if its acceptable to ask her mother to provide pull ups as i cant spend all my time (nor do i want to) cleaning up urine, thank god i have wooden floors.

Second thing is she has absolutely no manners, i was always brought up to say please and thankyou but all i ever get from her is I WANT I WANT, she point blank refuses to say "please can i have" or "I would like", she even gives me a cheeky little grin when i ask her to ask nicely as if she knows she is doing it. She demands food all day, at first I gave her fruit instead of the crisps and biscuits she wanted but she demands junk food and pop(?). I spoke to her mum and she again said that she never gets pop at home so she isnt sure why she is asking for it, once she does finish her food she demands her brother's and it appears to me like he thinks he should just give her it and go without

Third thing - when we go out anywhere and we all (3 minded children)do something or go somewhere she doesnt want to do she will throw the biggest tantrum and scream for her mother, i find this so embarassing a 2 year old standing in the middle of the park screaming for her mother "I want my mummy" over and over again, i can see peole looking and im mortified, she wont walk, its the same in the house as soon as she cant get a toy off another child she starts crying for her mummy and nothing stops her, she will cry and cry for hours. She basically ruins our day, every day.

My children were brought up to say please and thankyou and wouldnt dream of barking orders at me.

Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? If so how the hell did you deal with it?

So sorry to ramble on but i can see people on here really have some good advice, hope i didnt send you to sleep x

firstly i wouldnt be giving her anything at all without a please.

To be fair all my charges have had great manners but i always responded to i want.... normally by ignoring them.... and if they werent 'getting it' (they normaly did ) Id make a list of things i want.
I want a new car. I want some pretty flowers, anything really.

You probably cant take that approach with her yet though as she clearly doesnt know how to behave.

I would certainly say "In my house we dont say i want, we say please may i have" and model what she wants "can YOU say 'please can i have a drink / the dolls house" etc, and repeat and reapeat until she gets the message...

not sure about the rest.... if out and about having a buggy to strap her into and ignore as you would any tantruming child.... and dont forget the praise praise praise when shes being good.

also if passing a child something i dont let go until i here thank you. normally only takes them a moment to remember, on the rare occasion they might forget.

I'm a bit sceptical about the mother's claims, to be honest.
Toilet training at 14 months is very unlikely because their physical development just isn't ready for it. Did she mean toilet timing? How is she doing it at home? I would guess that she's constantly reminding the child or even still doing the timing business.
Whatever it is, this child clearly is not toilet trained and you'll need to work with the mother to train her properly.

If she's asking for junk and 'pop', then she's getting it from somewhere. I simply don't believe this mother doesn't know where! If it's not at home, then it's somewhere else, but her mother must have some idea - she's only 2 fgs! Does she believe the fairies spirit her away at midnight to feast on junk??
It's beside the point, anyway. You do not have pop and junk at your house: she will learn this. Just keep reiterating it until she gets the message.

And, in my experience, that's really the best way to manage the rest. Insist on the behaviour you want and ignore the behaviour you don't want. Agree with Mum on any sanctions for bad behaviour. Incidentally, it could be illuminating to see Mum's reaction to the idea of sanctions . With patience and consistancy, she'll eventually learn that, at your house, these are the rules.

she is a spoilt little brat and of course not to put too fine a point on it mum is obviously telling large fat porkies..

for me I would have mum and dad in for a chat.. explain all the problems and tell them your plan for dealing with their little darling..

if still awful after a set time then give notice..

I have learnt from painful experience that,

1.. unless the parents have a modicum of sense then you are banging your head against a brick wall

2 cming isnt parenting.. thats their job not yours and with the best will in the world you shouldnt be doing their job for them,

3 unless things improve you will end up disliking the child, hating the parents and potentially loosing other children in the setting whose parents are fed up of their littlies being hit or bullied

4 be nice to yourself.. there are lots of lovely kids and parents out there and just because you signed a contract doesnt mean you have to keep that child.. you are 4 weeks away from peace at all times..

good luck.

I totally agree with the last two post. She was never toilet trained when she came to you, it looks like mother wanted you to do the hard work. As for junk food and bad manners, that is def coming from somewhere. Are you their first cm? Bad manners comes from not being corrected on a regular basis. If she has never had pop and junk food, how does she know they exist? If it was me, and I know it is going to be hard for a few days (better this then months of misery) I would refuse to give her anything if you don't get a please and thank you. She is old enough to figure out how to get what she wants. If you have any sweet drinks or treats, then hide them away while she is in your care so she never sees them. When she has finished her food, if her brother hasn't finished then I would get her down from the table until he has finished so he can eat in peace. Horrible situation. If you find that after a while nothing if getting any better then I would speak to mum about problems and maybe give them notice. As cm's we can only do so much, this is suppose to be enjoyable so you have to look after yourself too.

unbelievably rude, lacks any manners and her hygiene is not very good

Hang on a minute, this child is 2? Two?

Yes there are issues there but I'm not particularly impressed with the way you're writing about her, especially as every problem you've listed is down to the parents, not the poor kid.

I agree with GML

what you have written is really not nice

she has an older brother, who is toilet trained (?) so presumerably the mum has some idea what she is doing

Im not on here to impress you with what i write, i have detailed what im experiencing with her and asking for advice on how to help.

If you dont like what i have wrote then dont read it and keep your pointless comments to yourself.

What GML said.

FWIW My DD was ready to be trained at 17 months.

If you want advice may I suggest you don't get stoppy with people who are trying to help you. Your dislike of this child will soon show itself and you could find yourself relieved of your job.

If you don't like the child, don't mind her.

Where is the advice from the last two posts? Other people have managed to reply with constructive advice, then people jump on here and decide to comment about how they feel??

I dont dislike the child quite the opposite and i know its not her fault but im asking for advice in order to make things good with her, not nasty comments!!

Must say thanks to those who have provided constructive advice, its what i was after and will put it to good use

your welcome

It is a public forum, your comments are published by MN. This site is user moderated, unlike many other parenting sites, it relies upon the members to point out when posts are inapropriate.

When you start a thread you cant decide that you only want a certain type of answer to what you post.

You have just started childminding, perhaps from this thread you will get advice that you hadnt expected.

My children said please and thank you at two, i realised it was just parroting not proper manner, that over time will develop into good manners. Many two year olds don't say please/thank you not because they are rude but because it is a figure of speech they havent started to use yet. It isn't an 'essential' part of speech so is picked up later, like adjectives come after verbs and nouns.

My post is not inappropriate in the slightest, its detailing what im experiencing and asking for advice.

For your information I have been childminding for over 5 years and have never experienced this situation before.

I have detailed more than just her manners being a situation i need help with.

You dont feel your post is inapropriate, other people think that the way you describe a child who is only 2 is.

I'm sorry but its really ironic that on a thread where you are criticising a child's manners that you were so rude to people posting. I'm talking about 'If you dont like what i have wrote then dont read it and keep your pointless comments to yourself.' here.

I didnt realise you had been CMing for 5 years because you had posted:

babyfatmustgo Tue 25-Jan-11 21:48:34
Hi, need some advice, I have just had my OFSTED registration visit

babyfatmustgo Tue 01-Feb-11 18:49:09
Hi can someone help me please?????

Im about to start childminding and will have 3 under 5's

I just thought you were being harsh on a child who you had minded for only a month, who was only 2 and would still be settling in.

the child is 2 and she has tantrums and doesnt listen to instructions? sounds like terrible twos to me, a lot of kids go through that stage, not sure about the potty training, but the rest of it seems normal behaviour and testing boundaries.

we dont have coke in our house, but when dd sees coke she goes crazy and wont stop drinking it until its finished. sometimes she goes through phases when she only eats fruit and nothing else, other times she will refuse fruit. she is still learning to follow adult instruction and how to share, maybe she is a bit slow in these developments, i dont know, but it doesnt mean she is a spoilt brat.

however as a mother i can understand this is exhausting for you. i have issues with my daughter lying down in the street and having tantrums, i just ignore her and wait for her to finish, and i sympathise with you.

Please note im on here to try and make things work with her, she is my first private child (second if you include her brother) all others have been friends and family, i shall take the advice i have been given and fingers crossed it works out.

Thanks Nailak, its all a new experience for me and i appreciate your advice.

I think manners she will eventually get the hang off. It is still very early days, lots of children usually the ones that do not have pop at home demand things when they are somewhere else.

Often when you toilet train young it was luck in the first place and they relapse.

When you are talking about this child it does not sound like you like her much maybe she is picking up on this.

As for tantrums pretty normal for a two year old.

a) She is not toilet trained. She never has been. Her mother is a liar. Toilet training her will now fall to you as her most-of-the-day carer. So, as you are not an employee, but a contracter, lay down your terms to her mother and train her like you have any other child, including your own. If her mother doesn't like your terms, she is free to remove her.

b) The "I want" thing. Very nicely and kindly model the phrases you wish her to use ie

"I want CRISPS!" -"That's 'I want crisps please', and you don't have crisps here."

or "I want a snack!" - "could I have a snack please 'yourname'?" - repeat until she gets the idea. DON'T discuss, she clearly hasn't been brought up to think this is rude so she won't believe you if you tell her it is rude now. Just don't give her what she wants until she asks properly.

c) The tantrums - she's two. Strap her in a pushchair and let her scream herself silly, and cuddle her when she calms down. She's only little. If you are embarrassed by fairly normal two year old behavior you're in the wrong job.

d) The Pop, sweets, crisps - her mother is a liar. This child has had them somewhere and it was probably somewhere else she gets looked after as she is so demanding of these things at your house. Say no.

From reading your original post, I thought you didn't like the child, you come across as almost antagonistic toward her. She is only 2. And you are still a bit of a stranger to her. And you might not have gotten off to the best start together with the TT issue.

Kids are so vulnerable, the person who cares for them all day be it SAHM or CM really has almost total dominion over them. It would break my heart to think my 2 year old would be out with someone I trusted to mind her and their reaction to her distress in a park would be that of annoyance and embarrassment (sp ?)

"She ruins our day every day".

^urgh. How can any outing have any possibiliy of success if that is how it is approached.

Give the kid a break.

So you have been illegally minding children for 5 years?

Not a good place to post this.

Poor little girl :(

I don't think you sound very tolerant of her, she is too young to be responsible for 'ruining your day every day' - that is a horrid thing to say.

I appreciate it is hard and stressful but despite protesting that you don't dislike her, a lot of your posts do really sound like you are annoyed by her.

It is not her fault, she's two. It's the parents at fault if she is badly behaved.

I am a working mum (though my DS is looked after by a nanny and not a childminder) and I would be horrified if you were talking about my child in this way on a public forum. Some of your comments in point 3 of your first post are really out of order. She is only 2. Poor kid. She is vulnerable and doesn't know you all that well yet. Her public tantrums and behaviour sound quite normal - ok, not every child will do this at 2, but lots will.