CM Club - advice needed to help mindee

[CMSeekingAdvice]

The parents of one of my mindees are splitting up. The mother has told me the basic details of what's going on.

Mindee's behaviour wasn't great last week but I made allowances because of the current situation.

This week has been ok so far but we have had occasional issues.

I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this and how to help mindee.

Also, I haven't mentioned last weeks behaviour to mindee's mum because I didn't want her to be cross with him but I'm wondering whether I should tell her I've noticed a difference in his behaviour so that she's aware of the effect it's having on him.

yes I think you should tell her about behavioural changes

in the meantime, the child is going to need you as a kind of rock to anchor to in the turbulence - so retain your usual boundaries, remaining firm but fair, don't ask leading questions but remain open to convos instigated by the child. (am assuming a verbal child) Try not to proffer your opinion on the adults, be led by the child. They might be tearful, withdrawn, anything, and it's vital that you remain the same IYSWIM

You might need to speak to the parent without the child present at times, partic if there are difficult issues arising; be prepared to give an hour or two here or there to support if you feel able

Research websites that you can signpost to - off thre top of my head Citizen's Advice, Relate, Moneysaving expert for example

If you feel overwhelmed then ring your Early Years Officer to offload, or a fellow CM if you feel you will not breach confidentiality

A very tricky situation for you all

Agree with BALD - have been through this in the past and it's important that parent knows what is going on. Sometimes children - as little as they are! - put on a brave front at home because they are 'being brave' for the parent as well as themselves. Lots of hugs and reassurance - but keep your normal boundaries!

Thanks both!

My mindee is 8 so very verbal!

My parents divorced when I was 11 so I know how it feels to be the child but I also know that my parents dealt with it badly so I'm a little unsure of the best way to go with things.

I agree re keeping normal boundaries. Last week's behaviour wasn't the worst I've seen but I could see he was pushing to see how far he could go. He's been here today and been lovely apart from one minor incident at dinner which he was pulled up on and everything went back to normal.

I had this happen about 6 months ago and I keep mum up to date with behaviour changes (she wants this) but also deal with them in the same way as normal, making small allowances at the start but mostly sticking to how I always have dealt with things. Mum wanted this way too as mindee had enough changes at home that they needed to feel secure here and that included me not changing if that makes sense. But age must play a part. My mindee had just turned 2. An older mindee may need to be dealt with differently (i.e. just before their split, I had split with dh but we soon got back together - when it happened my 7 year old found it VERY difficult whereas my own 2 year old didn't really understand enough).

Ah, just seen the age. Trickier then, hmmm, need to think about this as only have experience from my own similar age but I was the mum and not an outside carer so not so sure. As for behaviour, I do think any changes need mentioning but in a very brief and 'to be expected' type way unless something really bad happens?

Thanks Looney.

I will speak to his mum. Like I said, his behaviour last week was by no means the worst I've ever seen but, compared to how he normally is, it was noticeably different.