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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

DS despises Nanny... What to do?!?!

18 replies

bonitagbchica · 12/02/2011 21:00

Hoping someone can offer pearls of wisdom b/c I am completely at a loss...

We have a lovely young nanny whose been with us since September for 16 hours per week.

Gradually over this time, our son has really grown to dislike her. He asks at night who will take him to school the next day, and I cringe breaking the new that it'll be her. He goes mental when he finds out and usually ends up crying himself to sleep. He has started refusing to put his shoes and coat on for the journey to school and has recently made them 30 minutes late with his tantrums and refusals. I have tried talking to him but it doesn't appear she's doing anything particular to trigger these reactions. We've tried reward charts, which only work sometimes.. he's not that bothered if he doesn't get a sticker to get the weekly reward.

He doesn't do these things with me or his dad, and I'm not really sure where to go from here. It took a long time to find someone who had the flexibility our family requires (as my DH sometimes works away and I work shifts) and I can't imagine going through that again.

However, if I did find someone, is it legal for me to dismiss this nanny b/c my son doesn't like her?

Eek! What to do?!?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

nannynick · 12/02/2011 21:21

Yes you can give notice under the terms of the contract.
However, that isn't really what you want to do is it? You want to find out what is bothering your son.
Has he said anything specific that he doesn't like about her, or things she does?
Does he understand that you DH need to work to get him things he wants? Does he understand that she isn't taking your place, just helping out by taking him / collecting him from school.

Hardandsleazy · 12/02/2011 21:21

How old is he? What were previous arrangements ( were you or dh at home or was he attached ribosome nanny)?

Hardandsleazy · 12/02/2011 21:23

That should say previous nanny

Hardandsleazy · 12/02/2011 21:24

Would also say that need to get to bottom
Of this as if it's not something about this nanny then may well happen again .

amistillsexy · 12/02/2011 21:35

Are you sure he dislikes the nanny? Is it just that he would prefer it to be you taking him, IYSWIM?
My DS3 loves pre-school. I know this because I can see how engaged and happy he is when I go to pick him up.
However, he always says that 'it's boring' and he 'hates pre-school'. He creates something rotten every morning, and he has to be practically dragged off my leg and held every morning just so I can escape. As soon as I've gone, he's fine (I know, I sometimes go back and peek through the window! ).
I just wonder if your DS knows he can 'play' you and is hoping if he carries on you will agree to take him every day (and you are considering sacking the nanny because of his behaviour, so he's obviously getting to you).
I think the important question here is if you like the nanny? Is she reliable? Do you get on with her? Is she honest? If she's a 'good' nanny, then TBH, I doubt it will make a difference which nanny you get, he will always do this.
Would it help to spand some time with him and the nanny together, so he can see you as ateam? Maybe talk about this problem honestly with the nanny there as well, so she can give her views on it (and let him know how it upsets her, if that would make a difference to him). I suppose that depends i=on your DS's age.
I do think a good nanny is like gold dust, and it seems a shame that she should suffer when it doesn't sound like her fault.

Hardandsleazy · 12/02/2011 21:47

What Amstill says is right - know dd will hit out on days when would rather we were home than nanny. I ignore it and so does she so has little effect,

nbee84 · 12/02/2011 22:35

Have they had much chance to spend any time together 'bonding' - or do they just have contact when they are getting ready/breakfast/teeth etc before the school run?

If the latter then maybe pay the nanny for a few hours one weekend so that she can take ds out to do something fun together - swimming, go-karting, skating, cinema or something that ds would enjoy.

Original poster

bonitagbchica · 12/02/2011 23:11

To answer your questions... I think she's great b/c she's flexible... My shifts sometimes start at 715, which means she needs to be here for 6am... and for the most part, she usually is. There have been a couple of occasions when she's overslept, making me late, or forgetting her key, and she can't cook for toffee.. but she's flexible!
DS and nanny had a couple of weeks of bonding time when I've been present, I arrange for loads of outings during half term holidays, etc. When we hired her, she was meant to have a license and car before the year was out, which she hasn't done. I think he associates the rainy walks with her, and he doesn't care for walking soaking wet in the rain, despite the new and funky welly boots and brolly I bought especially.
This just kind of feels like the icing on the cake. If he says he doesn't want to put his coat on to me, I just say okay and keep walking, not rising to him and his demands, which defuses the situation. Eventually, whilst on the walk to school, he does want his coat and I give it to him without fuss and he puts it on. I'm not sure she's using these techniques and I'm not so sure I should have to tell a level 3 qualified nanny to use behavioural techniques... they fight like brother and sister... I don't think he sees her as an authority at all.

I've just put an advert on gumtree for a nanny... With that said, I know what I want to do, I just don't know how to go about it. =-(

OP posts:

ChippingInAuntyToThomas · 12/02/2011 23:17

So, essentially you are going to get rid of a good nanny because your son is playing up & because your nanny makes your son put on his coat when it's cold?

Rigggght

nannynick · 13/02/2011 00:07

Being late for work is a problem. Forgetting a key is an issue. Not sure why you are mentioning about you not inisiting on your son wearing a coat.

Give notice under terms of the contract if that's what you want to do. Write her a reference and provide phone contact details on it for verbal reference purposes. Do get it straight in your mind though as to what the issue is - is it that your son just didn't get on with her, or was it that she did things differently to how you would do it.

If the job requires a driver, don't hire someone who can't drive.

annh · 13/02/2011 00:07

Actually I'm not sure she is such a good nanny. You said yourself that you like her because she is flexible. Flexibility is all well and good but she needs far more than that. Are you sure that your difficult-to-fill role has not blinded you to her faults? Just because she can accommodate your early starts doesn't mean she is the right person for you. She can't cook, she can't drive although she said she would by now and she argues with your son on his level! Does your son actually enjoy time with this nanny? You don't say if he likes playing with her, doing things together?

PositiveOutlook · 13/02/2011 00:21

How old is your ds?

Imo, flexibility is not a reason to keep a nanny. Is your ds normaly a clingy child?

Karoleann · 13/02/2011 12:57

Maybe the nanny can start doing fun things with your DS after she picks him up from school - soft play or swimming. Hopefully he'll then start to link the nanny with fun! We have a nanny who's been with our family for about 3yrs - she's really great but DS1 and DS2 would still much rather be with me.

Stars22 · 13/02/2011 13:07

you say the reason you have her is her flexibility, thats doesnt sound like a good enough reason to me. To me from what you have said she doesnt seem like a good professional nanny. Being late because she slept in is not acceptable. Saying she would have a car before the end of the year and she hasnt?!, forgetting keys, not being able to cook. From what you have said if i were you I would look for someone else, or maybe have you looked into a childminder in the area that is flexible with hours. Has she been a nanny before?? how old is your son?

SnapFrakkleAndPop · 13/02/2011 14:07

Plenty of people are flexible.

The car/license thing is a bit less clear - she may have failed her test or something and you took her on without one so clearly it's possible to do the job. If you need a driver then specify that next time.

Nothing wrong with tackling her on her behaviour management style if you don't think it's working for your DS. It's not good that she's engaging with him in that kind of argument (instead of acting the adult), nor is it good that he's being late for school, but it is his fault if he doesn't want to put his shoes and coat on. She can't drag him out with no shoes on. How old is he? Old enough to directly link being late for school with his tantrums?

She can't cook, but you seem to have coped so far. Can you work around that by leaving simple recipes? Can he have a more snack-like dinner (sandwiches with veg sticks, pasta with sauce from a jar and tuna from a tin?)

Unfortunately flexibility means you do sometimes needs to compromise but probably not to this extent...

You can dismiss her under the terms of the contract if you want to - just do as nick says.

chitchatingagain · 14/02/2011 08:30

I think I can understand your dilemma, because I was partially there in the past. My nanny was supposed to get her licence but 1 year later still dedn't have it. Also, while she was absolutely fabulous with playing with the DCs, to me it seemed she acted more like a big sister rather than his carer. While I was at home frequently that wasn't as much of an issue, but when I wasn't, it did become more of an issue. Partly because of behavioural issues - she didn't deal with the problems in the same way I would and we had a few problems as a result of that.

Fortunately for me my DSs adored her, and played really well with her so I didn't have that as an issue.

I suspect the major issue with your nanny is her immaturity. The theory is one thing, but the experience only comes with time. The NVQ3 only teaches the theory.

But.... even now that they are at a CM DS1 will put on a huge performance at going there - and I know that he has a fabulous time there. Now it's a game that he's playing, because he doesn't want to be away from me, and not because he doesn't want to be with the CM (IYSWIM!).

Oh, and it took me ages to address the issue, because I really did like her. It is amazing how much you can delay and put off acting if you don't 'have' to!!!

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/02/2011 11:06

sounds to me your ds doesnt like you going to work and whoever looks after him, he would create

yes your nanny shouldnt be late and should be able to cook and these things need to be addressed

if you do get rid of her, then who is to say the same thing wont happen again

i think you need to back up your nanny a bit more and insist that ds for example wears his coat if cold/raining - basically you are letting him behave how he likes for an easy life

NannyTreeSally · 21/02/2011 16:41

I would say that maybe she isn't a good nanny.

Your sons happiness and respect for her is important if she is to care for him whilst you're away. It is up to her to make sure that he has both of these.

No professional nanny should argue with a child 'like brother and sister'. She should be fully aware of the techniques to use to make sure your child is happy and compliant.

If your son isn't happy, in my professional opinion there is a problem. Full stop. She should be able to find ways to make sure he is happy and enjoys her company. She should also be able to find ways to help him overcome the issue of you not being there (if that is the issue).

She should also be able to provide a simple yet healthy balanced diet at the least!

I think that you should trust your gut instinct here.

I am aware of too many situations where a nanny seems lovely to the parents yet the children just haven't been happy.

Everyone has to be happy or the nanny just isn't the right match! In my experience, finding the right nanny can really make a difference - it's just sometimes easier said than done!

Good luck
Sally x

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