Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Flip

Original poster

Not sure how to handle this problem......

11 replies

Ilovemangoes · 28/01/2011 19:34

We have a nearly one year old DS. Since the beginning of the month we have placed DS with a childminder for a day and a half a week. CM lives with her DH, also a registered CM, and her grown up children. They have several mindees who range in age from DS's age up to about 5 (they do a school run), and the number vary day to day. We were happy with the home setup, plenty of toys, local park close by, close to us so no problem commuting, organised, regular activities etc.

Our problem is this. Our DS is not settling well at all. I realise that it has only been a few weeks since he has started, and he does only go for 1.5 days a week, but the separation anxiety is huge. He cries as soon as we walk into the house, he is crying when I leave, and I can hear him crying when I walk down the path to pick him up. I think that this is something he will grow out of and we need to more or less push on through, and I thought the CM agreed with this. But in the last 3 weeks we have been asked to pick him up early 3 times because he won't stop crying. As soon as we walk in, he is all smiles, so I know he is not ill or seriously distressed.

Is this usual behaviour for a CM? DS is my PFB, so I have no idea! Should we sit down with the CM and work out a strategy to deal with this? We cannot keep coming home from work hours early to collect him when he is essentially fine, just throwing a tantrum.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

Ilovemangoes · 28/01/2011 19:38

Should have said, they have been CMing for years, so I would have thought they would have come across this problem before....

OP posts:

TheVisitor · 28/01/2011 19:40

It generally takes around 6 weeks or so for a child to settle in a nursery, more if they only go very part time. Your CM ought to be dealing with it. Have a chat about strategies, definitely.

Iggly · 28/01/2011 19:40

I wouldn't say he's fine if he's crying? Can you put him in for longer? 1.5 days a week isn't much. My friends' DS goes to a CM once a week and has taken two months to settle in. He settled in faster once he did a full day for a couple of weeks.

It's worth making sure he's not teething as my DS gets upset (well he did) when I left him with the nanny if he was teething or unwell. Does he have a favourite toy? Also act really happy when you leave, tell him you'll be back etc etc. Plenty of reassurance and all that.

IAmReallyFabNow · 28/01/2011 19:43

I nannied for a child who was sent to a nursery for one day a week. It took him ages to settle back with us after being there. Part of the issue was him not going enough but the staff didn't put the time in to settle him.

My advice would be to send him 3 days a week until he is settled fully. You can then go back to the day and a half you want.

doricpatter · 28/01/2011 19:44

If they've been doing it for years, and they still feel he's getting unusually upset, then I would be listening to them. At his age he doesn't care about a park nearby or an easy commute - he needs to bond with his carers. I'd arrange a meeting to discuss it but don't rule out having to find somewhere else. I speak as someone who pressed on with a CM arrangement when my PFB was very upset. I thought he'd get over it. Only when we moved him did it become apparent that he was just in the wrong place, and sending him there for so long is one of my biggest regrets.

menee · 28/01/2011 19:59

Hi im a childminder of 9yrs...
It may be that 1 and a half days a wk is not enough to allow him to settle with her and get to know her properly. I have had this experience with a child that came one day a wk, he would have a wk with mum and forget all about me and then no matter what i did spend most the one day crying for his mum.

Its hard for the minder as shes having to really care for your son and other mindees have to be thought about, please dont take that the wrong way, maybe could you offer 3 days a wk to your minder see if this helps the bond any?

Or you could just give it abit longer, sometimes a minder and a child just dont bond, i know it sounds awful but sometimes it just happens...if he dosnt settle and your ninder is unhappy to may to seek alternative care....Im sure shes doing a wonderful job and you sound like a very loving mum who wants the best but i do suggest you sit down with ur childminder and she will probably be glad of the chat x

togarama · 28/01/2011 20:02

You mention a large and varying group of mindees and adults in the house. Could this be unsettling him? You may need to either up his days so he gets to know everyone or move him.

Due to moving house and changing work arrangements, our 2 year old DD has been to several nurseries and is now settled happily.

We had a big problem settling her with the second nursery and I pulled her out because of it. She was only going 1 day per week (while doing 2 days at another nursery), it was during the summer when staff were taking holiday and the company was opening a second nursery in the same town so several staff members left to join it.

Consequently, she didn't recognise anyone and was terrified whenever she saw the door to the nursery. The crying was different from any other separation crying I heard from her, more "for god's sake don't leave me here!" than just "don't go mummy" which is to be expected sometimes.

It was very important to me that she felt safe and comfortable in my absence and we luckily found a tiny nursery with friendly staff who have provided this kind of security for her.

Original poster

Ilovemangoes · 28/01/2011 20:02

Thanks everyone, will arrange to speak to them next week. He is definitely teething, so that could be a big part of the problem. He goes on a Thurs pm and all day Friday, so maybe we should see if we could send him a bit more short term. Another issue is that we are going on holiday at the end of Feb for 2 weeks, which may coincide with him finally settling!

OP posts:

fairimum · 28/01/2011 20:09

another thought might be to see if you can go with him for half an hour or so during the week on a couple of days so he gets more familiar with going?

Original poster

Ilovemangoes · 28/01/2011 20:43

Fairimum we did do settling in sessions for several weeks before we started and he seemed to be ok.

Doricpatter :(

It is frustrating and upsetting for us because on some days the CM says he has been chatty and playing, quite settled, and then we have days like today when he just won't have it .

OP posts:

pollywollyhadadollycalledmolly · 28/01/2011 23:13

I have a new mindee, just turned one, she has been coming four days a week for the past 3 weeks.

She has only just stopped crying for her mum when she leaves in the morning. But even when she did cry, by the time mum was in her car mindee was happy as Larry again! lol This week she has been fine. Every morning she has been pushing her mum away so she can get down and into the living room :) and same when she comes to pick her up, she is starting to not want to go home! lol Which is hopefully reassuring for the mum. Altho sometimes the mindee is moany during the day and a bit unsettled, but surely all children are like that every so often?

So 3 weeks times 4 days is equal 12 days, which is longer than your child has been going to cm, is that right?

I would consider upping your days if you can, dont know if you have the cash to do it, or if the cm has spaces. But it think that would help speed up the process.

Failing that then have a chat with the cm and see what she thinks.

Flip