Family split over au pair

[RockinSockBunnies]

There's probably no great solution, so please allow me to rant instead .

We have a situation where our au pair, who came in August, gets on well with DP and DSS, but not well with my DD and I don't particularly like her either.

Main issues she has:

Over-touchy with both DCs - wants an instant, amazing relationship with them and gets stroppy if they don't want to be constantly hugged/kissed by her (DCs are 9 and 8)

Hygiene - I've had to talk to her about her lack of personal hygiene and ask her to please shower more regularly and wear deodorant. Things have improved during the week, but at weekends she often spends 24 or 36 hours in her room, without washing and the smell actually wafts into the corridor and hallway, meaning I have to spray air freshener around the place in an attempt to block it.

Over-the-top deference to DP and I at times, but also undermines what we've asked her to do and can be stroppy at other times.

She has already once handed her notice in because she felt DD didn't have a sufficiently close relationship with her . DP talked to her and she agreed to stay.

Main problem is, DP is adamant she must stay, since DSS is autistic and the au pair is good at dealing with him and isn't put off by the demands that he makes on her (soiled underwear, mess, noise etc).

So, basically, we're split down the middle. I tolerate her, DD too. DSS isn't bothered one way or the other and DP wants her to stay . I doubt there's any solution but just wanted to offload.....

well if shes smelly then its not her fatal charm that DP likes..!!! yeuk yeuk how foul..

seriously though what a difficult situation for you, especially as your DSS has autism.. maybe thats a really good reason to hang on to her though she does sound a bit needy!!

seriously feel for you here... hope other ops have advice.. good luck..

I may be speaking out of turn, and it may not be relevant, but do you think her behaviour is neurotypical?

What a difficult situation to be in! I can see that DSS has the higher needs, but that doesn't mean that your DD's needs are to be ignored. A balance must be found. Au pair's are by their very nature short term positions. So at some point you're going to have to find someone else anyway. Why not do it now?

I'd at least start looking now if I were you.

TBH I am on your DP's side. If DSS is challenging, then any carer that can get through the challenge and love the chid underneath should be admired.

Is she your first AP? I have found with APs that no matter how fabulous they are, the closeness of the relationship means that there will always be one or two little habits that gets under your skin after a while - though I admit that her two would wind me up dreadfully as well.

On the whole though I would say that neither of these would be dealbreakers for me.

She doesn't sound so bad. Can you give more info on her history/ references and experience?

She's not the first au pair I've had (had one a few years ago when it was just DD and I which was fine). Obviously things aren't going to be perfect when someone else is living in your house, but really didn't have the problems that I'm experiencing with current au pair.

She has experience of helping out as a teaching assistant in a secondary school in France, but she's never been an au pair or nanny before.

She seems to have very odd expectations of how the family dynamic should work. To begin with, when she first started, she would bow to DP and I (in a Japanese kind of way, hands together, respectfully IYKWIM) whenever she entered or left a room, when we paid her etc, which frankly was kind of weird. She wanted me to draw up a list of 'approved people' within a few days of her arriving at my house, so that she could decide whether or not they were allowed to come into the house. She also grills anyone that calls us and asks lots of questions before she'll let them speak to us.

She can be quite openly rude to us if she disagrees with a parenting decision we make - fixing us with a 'look' as it we don't know what we're talking about.

I don't know....stuck between a rock and a hard place at present and fed up.

Noooooo, based on what you've just said, she would be out of my place sooooo fast. She sounds like a Little Miss Bossy Boots, and quite frankly I wouldn't put up with it.

You don't like her
DD doesn't like her
DS isn't fussed

She's weird, she's smelly, she's overly demanding of the childrens affection, she's rude, she's grilling your friends

and yet your DP likes her ?

She'd be gone in a shot!

DP thinks she has a good heart. Which she may well do, but that's not really the point. One other thing is that she has an obvious physical disability (don't want to go into detail) that means people stare at her and may be prejudiced towards her.

DP states that because of the disability, we should be more tolerant and keep her with us.

Notwithstanding any of that, I still don't like her as a person. Which would be the same whether she had a disability or not.

Also, DP doesn't want the stress of finding someone new (well, actually, it would be me that would have to find someone new - register with an agency, interview candidates, see if they have experience with autistic children etc, because DP would just wouldn't organise it).

After your post of 11.08, I am now thinking mranchovy nailed it.

I think by the sound of it that you have already made your mind up.

I am probably really wrong but you don't like her and your dd doesn't so if you dp is so desperate for her to stay let him have her. In his own house. I think you have to give her notice.

give her notice. You are not happy now, and if you let her stay, you will be even less happy in a few months time.

Wish I could make up my mind and give her notice. But last time this issue came to the fore, DP and I almost broke up over it. I don't want any more rows and bickering so I am trying to leave DP to deal with her entirely and for DD and I to have as little to do with her as possible.

It is mad to have someone living in your home that you don't like & your daughter doesn't like. If DP can't see that then you have bigger problems than the AP.

Keeping her, letting DP 'deal' with her and you and DD having little to do with her is a recipe for disaster tbh.

This is your & DD's home, you deserve to feel happy & comfortable in it!

This is mad. If he wants the au pair so much then ask him why. She doesn't like you, she doesn't like your child, you don't like her. Get her out.

I am so sorry to say this but it seems completely wierd to me that the choice of an au pair could effectivly break you and your dp up.

As said before its a relativly short term position anyway. she will go at some point.. I really dont understand...

if you and your dd dont like her why the hell is your DP making it such an issue?? he should support you not her...

you and DP need to talk.. and if you will forgive me for saying so.. more than about this au pair

you can not have someone who looks after your children and lives 24/7 in your house if you dont like them

let alone your dc

i can see what dp is saying, with her being at ease with ds needs but you need to think of all the family

most female teenagers spend hours in bathroom so wonder what her ponglem problem is