Au pair (vs Nanny) - unrealistic expectations?

[MizZan]

Any advice welcome...

We recently had an au pair start with us, to help look after my 3 1/2 year old and baby-to-be (due in Nov.), as well as helping with housework. Up till now we have had nannies, who've had various levels of experience (no formal training for any of them, though). We decided to go with an au pair now because I'm about to go on maternity leave for 4-6 months, and we felt that with the baby it would probably be simpler to have someone live in, and of course with no salary coming in from me we were concerned about cost (my company pays only statutory maternity pay).

The problem is that this woman, while very pleasant, seems unable to keep my son engaged for more than a very short time, largely I think due to language issues (and maybe inexperience with kids his age, though in theory she has looked after kids the same age before). It has become clear that she has a lot of difficulty communicating with him, and the idea that she would think up activities to do with him, impose discipline on him (not that he needs a lot of this, but he is 3 after all), or encourage manners or anything of that sort seems like a distant dream. Her English is minimal, and an intensive English course we paid to send her to seems to have had little impact, and she is not interested in eating any meals with the family or spending any time with any of us outside of her contracted work hours.

As her friends here seem to all be from her home country, I have few hopes that her English will improve much, and would not feel comfortable leaving her alone with my son for a full day (which I had hoped to do sometimes), let alone having her look after a baby. I'm also not thrilled that she has made no effort to pitch in and help with anything around the house unless specifically asked/instructed to do so. I feel a bit like we have a boarder in rather than an au pair.

Were our expectations just totally unrealistic? I'm finding I need to spend so much time fending off my son (I'm still trying to work from home, but getting nothing done) and explaining the most basic things to au pair (e.g., 15-minute instructions required on how to prepare child's dinner every night as she can't cook at all) that it's kind of defeating the purpose of her being here. Aside from (or perhaps related to) the communication problems, she doesn't seem very outgoing or able to show any initiative at all, other than in organising her own social life. She is perfectly nice, otherwise.

Any thoughts, from any of you who have more au pair experience than we do?

FrannyF,

I think you've got a point about people generally having unrealistic expectations of Au Pairs. BUT MizZan's Au Pair is partly at fault. Being truthful about whether a child wears a helmet (OK there may have been a language problem here but if so, I'd be very interested to know what it was she thought was a helmet) is not too much to ask of an Au Pair. You don't need to be a trained nanny to care about the welfare of a child. Sounds to me like the Au Pair is the type of employee who will take the piss if allowed to.

I've only had nannies so no real experience here (although thinking about possibly having an au pair in the future now dd and ds are at school). However I just wanted to say that dh never puts a cycle helmet on ds regardless of the fact I have told him to do so. Actually the evidence on whether helmets make a difference is quite equivocal according to my public health colleagues (although I always wear one, and so do the children if they are with me). I don't think I'd have an au pair for an under five year old, just because I'd like to know that my children could give me a (mostly) truthful account of what they had done together - my two when they were little would give me the strangest accounts of their days!

Message withdrawn

I see your point about 25 hours of housework (what, you mean you don't live in a mansion? ) I also did not know about the under 3 rule, so thanks for putting me straight on that. I was thinking a little more about this last night, and I think unfortunately it is too much to expect all young women to be suitably 'with it' to be able to look after a 4 year old, if they have no training or experience in childcare. Before I worked as a nanny I spent many years helping with friend's children and learning how to look after the under 5s; I shudder now to think of my ignorance and misconceptions on what was ok and not ok to do. And I was a reasonably intelligent, motivated and caring person who shared the same language and culture.

I agree it is absolutely not on to lie about the bike helmet thing (although as people pointed out, that was possibly a language problem), but I am sorry to say it is probably not the only thing the au pair is doing that would not be to your liking if you knew about it.

I do hope your new arrangement with the nanny works out, and yes, I think you are doing a good job of trying hard to give the poor au pair a chance - but unfortunately she does not really sound up to the challenge!

I think most, if not all, au pair jobs involve looking after children, ranging from pre-school age to early teens, so it really really baffles me why these girls take the job if they have no interest in kids whatsoever? You don't have to be a trained nanny to show affection, smile, communicate, initiate play etc. I have just gone through three au pairs in five months, and unfortunately for many Eastern European girls an au pair job in England is a pretty easy and lucrative (comparatively speaking) way to see the world & party. My first two au pairs thought that they would be doing some 'light housework' and that's it - like most of you, I can't find 25 hours of housework to do in my house! I found myself instructing and explaining and demonstrating the most basic, simple things so much that the au pair actually created more work than she eliminated. So, if it's not working now it's not going to improve much - most of the time it's a personality thing I found. We've given up on au pairs for now and are looking into other childcare options. You have to put your child first and then work backwards from that I think... xxx

i personally would have got rid of her after the very first lie, no matter how small it was. i think you may have fallen into the trap of sticking with what you have rather than starting over.

Every so often I read families state they employ an Aupair! Aupairs are not employed they are someone from another country who travel to eg: the UK to Primilary learn the language (attend a language school if wanted) are invited as a guest with a family (like an older son or daughter) & assist in the family home with either light house work/chores & help/assist with child care if required in return for full room & board & pocket money....
They are not employed ... if they were of employed status they would have all the entitlements of an employee (subject to visa status)

I am amased that some Aupairs who have been informed that they are Employed .... have not taken some of their families to tribunal etc!

Just me speaking out loud... not implying ayone within this thread falls in to this catergry.

But that's just the problem UKMickey - the eastern europeans think it is employment and it really isn't. Also it is not just to learn the language - I have a Canadian AP. It is a cultural exchange (both ways for me). I have been very careful in my quest for her replacement to let applicants know that we are looking for a family member so will ask a lot of questions to find the exact person who will fit in with our family. Surprise, surprise, out of 50 applicants who I expressed an interest in, not a single reply from an Eastern European.

I think it could be time to maybe look for someone else if you are really down about the situation? Perhaps this could end up stressing you out more than helping you, especially at such an important time in your life.

Ideally you would probably need someone with good english and experience with 3 year olds and newborns. Having an au apir with inicitive is really important because some will just wait for you to ask them to do something instead of thinking, oh I need to change the bin or do the washing up.

If she is like this now, think how it could be when you have a newborn and really need your rest.

Actually 21stcenturygirl, the main aim of Au Pairs under the regulated Au Pair scheme IS to learn English.

www.workingintheuk.gov.uk/working_in_the_uk/en/homepage/schemes_and_programmes/au_pairs.html

Out of interest, what type of visa does your Canadian Au Pair have?

Not quite sure what you're getting at with your "surprise surprise" comment about your Eastern European applicants...

Sorry, link didn't work very well. I'll try again:

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Third time lucky?

Oh, I give up.

Looking for advice .... due in August with second first will be 2 not sure if a daytime nanny would be good... how did you go about this... agency? Don’t fancy live in but will need extra pair of hands as no family to help! Live in the country so middle of nowhere.... advice sort where to source and what to look out for and ask? Haven’t a clue! Thank you so much!!!

This is a 2005 thread posted about audio pairs on a childminding thread. You would be better to start your own thread on a different part of the site where you might get advice on how to cope with 2 children good luck.