Have you had a live-in au pair? If so can you please tell me all about it?

[Avocadoes]

We are considering finding a live-in au pair for our 4 and 2 year old DDs. It would be a money saving initiative. We currently have a live-out nanny and its bankrupting us.

We have an attic bedroom which i quite big and has a toilet en suite (but no shower or bath).

I would love to hear of peoples experiences with au pairs. Were they good with your kids? Did you find they impinged a lot on your family space in the evenings/weekends? How did you handle this? Where did you find them? etc etc etc

TIA

Haven't got time to do a full reply, but we have 2 DSs, currently 4 and 6, and have had APs for nearly 3 years. We have had 4 really good ones, and 2 duff ones.

We use an agency (same one which specialises in French APs - important because we speak French and so there are no misunderstandings).

We eat with the AP in the evening, and she is free to watch telly, but usually they disappear off to own room. If you don't want them with you, suggest the room is warm, homely, and that you have wifi (most have their own computer).

The room sounds fine. Where we are at the moment, the AP has sink in bedroom, but shares loo/ bathroom with the family. We are moving soon and she will share with boys, while we have an en suite.

Current girl is brilliant with boys, despite her limited English (it is improving), and they have got on really well with 4 of them. The 2 girls that didn't work out lasted 3 and 4 months. to be honest, if you get the impression it is not working, it probably won't improve.

We also have them in full time nursery/ school - be aware that an AP can't have sole charge of an under 3 for more than minimal periods. Also, they do a max of 25/30 hours a week.

Good luck! It works for us, and will have to continue working for another 6-8 years I guess.

I have had 4 au pairs in the past when DS was aged 5 to 11 years. It worked very well for us but au pairs are not suitable for pre schoolers at all. They are not qualified enough and should be used for minimal babysitting and basically school runs and for time before and after school/nursery.

We used an agency that vetted them in their own country. I have had two girls and two boys.

We gave them use of a car, paid gym membership and paid for any part time college courses they wanted to do. Be prepared for them to want to top up their money by doing bar/restaurant work too in the evenings. In bigger towns there is quite an au pair community going on.

Our AP has some sole charge of our two year old. Our other child is six. We had another AP last year when our youngest was just over one. BUT our oldest is in fulltime school and the AP was combined with a nursery situation for the youngest and the AP is mostly supervised by another adult.

SOme au pairs are suitable for sole charge. Many are not. THis is what you have to bear in mind and take very seriously. It's really hit and miss and they are not a replacement for a full time live out nanny if you need her to take on that role for both children, all week. We trialled a French girl who would have been a disaster and even our AP now, who is very bright, sometimes does things which are not ideal.

It would still save you money though to combine a nursery or CM with an AP helping at either end of the day. No reason not to do this just because you have a two year old. But full time sole charge, no.

We've had many au pairs. Almost all of them have worked out really well - a couple not as good but I think I've got better at identifying those who will work out and those who will be flaky.

Most of them have been very good with the children. Almost all of them have enjoyed doing arts, crafts and lots of baking - making cakes and biscuits with the kids. We've also had a number of girls who have been excellent pianists and have been able to teach the children too. This is because we've searched and interviewed specifically for people who liked doing this type of thing though.

I've done it myself using internet sites and have also used agencies. I now prefer using an agency as they eliminate the many days of work it used to take me going through hundreds of candidates.

If you are worried about the impingement on your own family life then I'd say it might be worth looking at other options if this is possible. An au pair of any age or type of personality will have a certain impact on the dynamics of family life. Saying that if you focus your search for people who are more independent and self starters, then the impact will be reduced.. The agency I use help to identify candidates with certain personality types so this has helped a lot to find people who will fit in better with our family situation.

With your 2 year old then as Harriet has said, some au pairs would be able to cope while others wouldn't. In this case I'd go for someone who has formal childcare experience in a creche, kindergarten or nursery where they have proper references.

If you have space for an au pair could you not move to a live in nanny?

Cheaper than a live out, more expensive than an au pair but no obligation to entertain them and typically less intrusive, same living conditions, much more suitable for FT care of 4 and 2 year olds, probably eligible to get OFSTED registered so if you currently get childcare vouchers you can continue using them and you'd also probably get 2 years out of them until your younger one went to school at which point it would be more feasible to move to an AP.

What are you paying your live out at the moment, what are your associated costs and how much would you like your childcare budget reduced by?

Au Pairs can be OFSTED registered as well..

I didn't know au pairs should not be given sole charge of under threes. Is that Ofsted guidance? My only friend with an au pair leaves her 2 year old with the au pair three full days a week. And last year she had another au pair and did the same and her baby was one years. She's been v lucky though - two brilliant American girls.

My 4 year old is in Reception but I am looking for someone to have sole charge of the 2.5 year old three days a week.

Is it expected that you will socialise with your au pair (eg eat dinner with them)? Is that different with live in nannies? And if so how does that work? The nanny would still need to eat in our kitchen. Do live-in nannies expect more than just an attic room?

There is no Ofsted guidance, in fact there are no specific rules about au pairs (or anyone else you employ in your own home) at all.

It is entirely up to you to judge whether the person you are employing is able to take sole charge of your children. In my experience you usually have a fair idea on first meeting them, so we always fly them over for a weekend visit before offering them the job - costs about a week's wages but can save a couple of months of distress. Also, it is generally easier to deal safely with one child of 18 months than is to look after two aged 2.5 and 4.

Our current au pair is the only one that regularly eats with us, the rest have either eaten with the children before we get home or done their own thing (we have had live-in child care for 8 years). You may find that rather than eat in the kitchen a nanny may want to take food she has prepared into her room.

An en-suite bathroom is nice but a bathroom shared with the children is OK. If there is only one bathroom in the house, consider whether it is practical for everyone to be using it in the morning (and evening).

Our au pairs generally ate with us and were part of the family totally. One of them earned extra money by hosting make up parties(like Body Shop and Virgin) and so our house became a general meeting place for her pals. We loved it and would not have felt comfortable distancing ourselves from them.

I suppose it depends whether you see an au pair as an opportunity to provide a learning environment for your au pair in exchange for babysitting a few hours a week.

If you see an au pair as your only child care option then you may be disappointed and end up with someone not quite suited or qualified.

Nanny will probably already be eligible for registration (if not already registered), au pair will need to do all the courses which takes time. Almost every nanny in the UK will already have a First Aid certificate and they can knock off the common core course easily enough, possibly before you even need to employ them which means they can get the (up to 3 month long) registration process well underway.

American - I'm wondering how legal that arrangement was as it's very difficult to get visas for Americans.

The thing is that there's no real divider between au pair and live in nanny, other than experience, qualifications and pay - and sometimes not even the first two any more. Typically when you say au pair one assumes you mean someone who's coming to learn English and you need around 5 hours childcare/cleaning per day for which you pay them about £70 a week.

Then when people start talking about having an au pair and them doing more hours and already being English speakers already it would seem more appropriate to call them a live in nanny because if they're working longer hours they definitely need to be paid more than £70 hours a week. Referring to them as an au pair under those circumstrances gives a completely false impression (plus I hate the term anyway).

Typically live in nannies would be fine with the accomodation you're offering, they may eat with you in the evening if you offer or they may eat with the children/make their own food at a different time. They're generally a lot more independent and professiaonl about the relationship.

You may get a very independent au pair who's happy with the arrangement you're proposing but you need to make that very clear. I'd still recommend getting someone with solid childcare experience or qualifications because, as mra points out, dealing with one 18 month old is a lot easier than dealing with 2 children of 2,5 and 4.

Personally I wouldn't give someone who is here to learn English (therefore implying their Enlgish isn't great) sole charge of a preschooler for extended periods of time. Then again, I also wouldn't leave them with someone with no prior childcare qualifications or experience. Remember that many au pairs are teens/young adults who haven't worked in childcare before and don't really know what they're getting themselves into. Those looking for nanny jobs are typically more clued up and have at least some experience.

We have had live-in au pairs and and off for the past 8 years. If you have the space it's definitely the cheapest option - you get childcare, cleaning and babysitting in one hit.

We've generally had good experiences - the main thing dh and I found difficult was the whole making them feel part of the family thing. We are a close, quiet family and we value our privacy, but luckily most of the girls we've had have been fairly independent and were happy seeing their friends and doing their own thing rather than being with us.

Most of the girls we've had have been brilliant with the children (we had a baby when we first starting having au pairs but she didn't have sole charge - just an extra pair of hands at bathtime etc). You just need to explain everything to them - your child's routine, what they like to eat, play etc and especially any safety issues. Having said that, we did have one amazing Polish girl who was fantastic with the children - I didn't even need to tell her anything. Within an hour of her arriving she had hung up the washing and was giving dd piggy backs! Most girls who want to be au pairs have had experience with children and they generally love playing with them, doing arts and crafts etc.

With regard to having privacy, you need to make this clear at the outset. Make it clear that your home is HER home while she's there and to feel comfortable but you need to be clear regarding as and when you need family time alone. It's difficult at first as generally they don't know anyone but once they make friends they go out in the evening and weekends.

I've used agencies in the past which is good as they check all the references and if it doesn't work out they will usually organise a replacement au pair free of charge. But their introduction fees are steep - in excess of £300. Google British association of au pair agencies.

You can also use Gumtree and you may get a girl who is in the country already and you can meet her. Check all references very carefully!

As long as you don't mind someone living in your home, it can work out well. It's v convenient having someone around in the afternoon and evening - I found it a godsend to take one child to after school activities without dragging the other 2 along, especially in the winter. And your house is lovely and clean and tidy all the time!