what to do when you really can't stand the child you look after

[luckylooloo]

He's eight and when he comes I get really stressed. Hes a bad influence on my kids, does lots of stuff that is inappropriate. It's not a case of speaking to the mother as I'd be there all day. He's just one of these kids that is very hard to like. I don't know what to do.

As someone who uses a nanny, I would prefer you not to look after my child if "you couldn't stand him"

If you can't deal with him and don't want to, then you should give notice

Don't look after him, he will be able to tell that you dislike him so much which will escalate the bad behaviour.

yes indeed, much kinder not to say professional to give notice

rubyslippers, your hard. Sometimes people just don't mix well together.

Lucklooloo, give notice, It'll only get worse!

Definitely give notice, it's very hard to look after a child that you haven't bonded with, I had the same issue when I was looking after an after-schoolie, I found I just couldn't relax because of their behaviour and this made it really hard to like them in the way that I like all my other mindees so I terminated the contract, better for me and better for them too as I'm sure there was someone else out there that'd be more capable of dealing with their behaviour (and not getting stressed out about it).

I'm inclined to agree with Ruby. Nobody is benefitting from the arrangement, and it's unlikely to end well.

I use a CM and it's always been one of my fears that whoever looks after them doesn't like them. I actually started a thread about it years ago.

I don't think there's any other practical solutions.

You can't expect to get along with every child - best for all if you give notice.

happychappy, how is what ruby has said any different from what you have said?

I was thinking the same, booyhoo!

3Beagles I think that it'd be quite uncommon for a CM to not like a child for no reason (they are in the wrong job otherwise!!), but if the behaviour is so bad that it is making life extremely difficult and stressful then I can see why the relationship might be strained. However, I think that as a parent you'd know whether your child is displaying bad behaviour so you'd know when to start looking for signs of strain within the CM-child bond. Also, the CM should be professional enough to say that they no longer feel able to look after the child.

Ruby A little bit of bad behaviour is part and parcel of looking after children but there is a limit, just because they are kids it doesn't mean that all adults have to adore them when they are constantly misbehaving.

When I terminated my contract I could deal with the behaviour, and was .. multiple times a day, but I cancelled the contract because there was no back up from parents when they went home, so I saw little point in running myself into the ground over it, ultimately I look after children because I enjoy it, I don't expect to be their sole disciplinarian but I am more than happy to carry on whatever the parents are doing at home etc.

Boohoo - It's different because (the way I read it) Ruby has highlighted if "you couldn't stand him" so that it sounds as if the OP is totally in the wrong for the whole situation, where as Boohoo (as I read it) is suggesting that yes the OP should cancel, but that these things happen and it probably isn't 100% the OPs fault.

i think OP made it quite clear she cant stand him. ruby didn't make that line up. and i don't see any blame in saying if she can't stand him she wouldn't want her looking after him.

i wouldn't want someone with such strong negative feelings looking after my child. i sthat me blaming them for the feelings? no. it is me preventing their feelings affecting my child in a harmful way. common sense.

In the nursery where ds1 went when he was little, there was a "naughty" boy and it was apparent to everyone who had anything to do with the nursery that the girl in charge of him couldn't stand him. I was friendly with his mother and met her after she took him out of nursery. His behaviour improved massively when he was in an environment where he was liked!

The only thing you can do is give notice.

Poor child.

as a mum and an ex childminder I agree with everyone who says give notice. Nobody can be expected to get along with everyone they meet in life but to be in a situation where you "can't stand him" is not going to benefit anybody, least of all the child.

I agree with Ruby. I hope this never happens to my ds where someone caring for him "can't stand him" :(

It is difficult, I do think that however hard you try if you just don't gel with a child then they will pick up on it, either beacuse you are harder on them than on others (inadvertently(sp!) or otherwise), or beacuse you're just less enthusiastic towards them than the others. It must be heartbreaking for them to not get anything back from their minder and I think that this does cause further bad behaviour (negative attention is still attention to kids) so I'm not surprised with what Chipmonkey says. That is why I myself cancelled the contract, because I was worried that they would realise I didn't get on with them as well as my other mindees, it's not fair on them really is it.

Off subject sorry, 3 beagles do you have 3 beagles?

No - we used to have a beagle. Now just one mongrel. I'm a frequent namechanger trying to stay under the radar.

Back to the OP - i don't think it's a question of blame - if you don't like him then that's that. I think in some jobs (mine) - you have to work with people you don't like, but I honestly think CM isn't one of them.

BTW my kids do go to a CM and I think it's a really healthy relationship. I know they can be pretty horrid at times, but the CM and I communicate about their deveopment and any problems.

I think it you have someone in your life that you feel so negatively towards then there's no healthy way to change it. It's too important. I don't think you can continue.

agree with others, sometimes you just dont gel with a child so you need to give notice

not fair on the child - doesnt make you a bad person, just human and honest :)