6yr old hates nanny - any ideas?

[NoSleepTillWeaning]

I started back at work 6 weeks ago (3 days a week) after DC3 and we now have a nanny. She is fab - gets on well with 10month old DS and with DD2. But DD1 is not happy and says she hates the nanny.

DD1 went to nursery when she was little and then to after school club - at both of which she had periods when she really didn't like going.Now she says she would prefer after school club but of course that doesn't work for the whole of us as it is SOO much easier having all 3 home and fed when I get in at 5.30

I don't know what to do to make the situation better. It may just get better with time but I hate the thought that DD1 is miserable. In some ways I wish we had interviewed more (although we did choose our nanny out of 3 candidates) and given DD1 more of a choice but to be fair, DD1 would probably not be happy with anyone. Even if we did have the chance of changing to someone she got on with better (is that even possible - seems a bit unfair on the nanny?) I don't want to disrupt the other two.

Do anyone have any ideas of how to improve the situation?

she probably doesn't hate the nanny. she probably hates the fact that it isn't you, and like you say it would be the same if it was a childminder, a nursery or an after-school club

does the nanny drive? would dd1 going to after school club be an option at all?

The nanny does drive (but doesn't need to with the girsl as we are 5min walk from school). DD1 already does an after school club (percussion- so not After School Club if you see the difference) one day, has brownies the other day (so no time for another club) and has an after school club on one of my days. I have been trying to set up play dates for the nanny days so she has something else to do. I guess she could do proper after school club (ie the child care one rather than activity one) but I don't reaslly want to pay for childcare twice and if we go down that road I don't see how we ever get her used to the nanny.

Is there any chance that the nanny can spend some one to one time with your DD. Maybe pay her to do an extra afternoon or a Saturday morning one week. It may help with the bonding of DD and nanny if they can have some one to one time and go and do something fun.

That's a good idea - wonder if she can skate? as I can't and DD would like to go.

I agree with bonding. I started a job with 3yr old and 10mo years ago and found bonding with 3yr old much harder. I took her out on my own sometime and we had our own shared experiences. So we could say "Oh remember the time when X happened ha ha ha" Let her take her out and spoil her, have fun and bond. Always hardest to bond with the eldest ime. The 3yr old I mentioned is now almost 7 and I get on with her just as well as her brother. I love them both the same and they both adore me (modest ) and still see them reguilarly. But the settling in period always takes longer with the oldest I find.

Thanks for the ideas and experience. Just need to find something that won't make her feel as though she is losing out by doing something with the nanny whilst I look after the others. Maybe xmas shopping for a pressie for me?

Doing something as a treat that the others are too little to do? So she feels all grown up?

Is the nanny aware of her feelings?

A special treat just for her every now and then can work wonders - even just going to your local M&S cafe.

Has DD1 said specifically what she does not like about having nanny pick her up from school? Try to get her to be specific about things - so ask what she likes about x, what she does not like about x.

She says she is bossy and doesn't let her do things I would let her do. One thing I did tonight was to get her to draw up a list of things she would like to do - and there was nothing major on there (although I'm not convinced by no 6 - have a competition to see who can scream the loudest ).

So it could be a control related issue... your DD1 wants more ability to control things, feels that your nanny is not being consistent with how you would have done things (children do get used to having different rules with different carers - it's like having different rules at school). Nanny maybe needs to be a bit less bossy - may need to try to get DD1 to help out more (which then DD1 will probably also hate!).

I care for a 6 year old and I feel that I'm bossing him around most of the time... it's just how it seems to work out as if I didn't keep nagging him to get dressed, he wouldn't be ready for school in the mornings. Come after school, everyone is tired and irritable. I find a plate of fruit once home from school can help - bit of an energy boost. It would also be handy for some communication - for example, if I had known that he had pasta for lunch, I wouldn't have done pasta for tea, but he didn't tell me before he saw tea. So if your DD1 is similar, try to get her to talk a little bit about what has gone on at school... else she will end up getting the same tea, as she had for lunch.

A list of things to do sounds a good idea... screaming contest however does not sound good. Maybe a silence competition instead

I have always asked the children in my care what they did at school..as have my friends/family of their own, the usual answer is I can't remember!! The schools always have menus for you to see, so you don't end up giving them the same meal. I would agree that the oldest child is always the hardest to bond with and think tme for your child and nanny to do something exclusive only to them is a good idea..good luck

I would trust your instincts and your 6 year old.

If you are happy with the nanny generally and are confident you have the right person why not suggest the 6 year old goes to the after school club for a bit and the nanny picks her up from that so you have all three at home by the time you get back, but if the 6 year old is playing up she'll no doubt feel she's missing out on all the fun the younger two are having with the nanny.
If she's not playing up then after school club is the better option for that child.
My eldest would never stay with a nanny again after the last one but the younger two are more forgiving and flexible, they are all different.

Tbh nanny possibly is being bossy (slightly unavoidable) and if your style of dealing with your DD/chivvying her along is different your DD may react badly. I think it's worth mentioning that to the nanny.

If the time they spend together is limited and is mostly focused on getting from a to b then unfortunately the relationship is going to be based on instructions, so if those aren't given well it can make things difficult.

Perhaps it will be better in the holidays when there's time to do more fun activities rather than the school run, Brownies and whatever else has to be fitted in before you get home.

agree she doesnt hate the nanny, just that yr dd1 isnt doing what she would like to do and that her routine has changed, ie you at work

the fact she gets on well with your younger 2 means you have chosen the right nanny

i would say to your dd1, arnt you lucky nanny is going to take you out to do xyz

did dd1 chose your nanny at the interview - you said you wanted to give dd1 more of a choice

sure dd isnt miserable and sure by xmas hols and doing fun xmas stuff, dd1 will chill

Thanks for all the input. I think more time will help - dd1 does only have a short time after school (1 or 2 hours at max) with the nanny. I think it's unfortunate that DD1's favourite at interview we didn't pick (she had got another job). Will think more on after school club - not convinced it's not just avoiding the issue, but then maybe that's what is needed for a while.

Nannynick - any other tips from your 6yr old gratefully recieved. They do have a snack after school but we tend not to get lunch/tea conflict as I suggest what our nanny should cook (based on what they have had for lunch and tea so far this week).

We've used bribery in the past. EG If I give them breakfast before school they get porridge. If nanny gives them breakfast they get cocoa pops. If I'm at home after school they get a glass of milk before tea. If it's the nanny they get apple juice and chocolate cookie.

Worked a treat (so to speak) for us. Until they started asking me to go to work every day.

When dropped off at school this morning, lunch menu was displayed... it showed Tuesdays's Menu! Maybe I need to observe a bit better and hunt out the menu at the end of the day.

6yr old today was most pleased when he got home to find freshly baked bread subs/rolls on top of the oven. He ate two (and they were both a bit bigger than my hand in size) one with a sausage filling and the other with tuna mayo. Cucumber, fruit and a homemade cake followed later. I think perhaps he is hungry when getting home from school.

He tends to chill out once back from school... that can mean running around the garden in good weather, or more often at the moment it's watching tv. I could make him do things but he's had that all day at school... so chilling out for a while is what he wants to do. Summer term we tried going to an after-school activity fun session at the local park, taking a picnic with us - that worked quite well... so hope to repeat this coming summer.

What was on her list of things to do, other than screaming contest? Are they things that nanny could do with all 3 of your children?

I would not use the after school club any more. I am a really laid back mum and nanny but I do not think a six year old should get their own way on this one.

Why dont you suggest they make a yummy cake together this nearly always wins children
round.

Sometimes it just takes time and it is very early days yet.
.

6 weeks isnt a long time.. kids push your buttons.. personally I would tell her thats the way it is and you work to give her things she wants/needs...

one to one girly time at the weekends is lovely but otherwise i would just let her know whose boss.. life lesson that sometimes she just has to put up with things and dont worry..

arnt girls hard though.. had one after 2 simple uncomplicated boys.. shes adorable but spiky..

I think 'spiky' is a good description for 6 year old girls

yep.. also prickly.. lol..

Thanks again for thoughts. Yes, other things on list were easier - honey nut cornflakes for pudding for example. Tonight they were decorating DH's birthday pressie (in a large box too big to wrap) and DD1 said she had an almost nice time (or words to that effect). we also have skating planned now for the holidays so think we will get there eventually. The nanny is also very good and is trying to give DD1 more attention.