Very distressed

[mumtorobbie]

Hi

My DS has been with his childminder for the past four months and we thought he had settled in ok although he never seem particularly happy about going and still has a grizzle when we leave him in the morning.

I had a long conversation with the CM this morning and she says he's not engaging with the other children there and tends to sit on the sidelines which is not my son at all. In fact, the way she was describing him is so different from the way he is at home it made my cry. He is very mischivous at home - always pulling stuff over and generally being an active 18 month old boy but she says he is very quiet when he's with her and the other children and I realise now that my instinct were right all along - he's just not happy there.

My first instinct is to find some way of organising it so that he's only there one day a week instead of three. That way at least he's still mixing with other children but spending his core time with family. This of course will mean that I will have to jack my job in or call on my MIL to look after him.

I just feel so distressed because he can't tell me what's wrong. Am I totally overreacting?

If you move him be prepared to have to start from scratch settling him in.

I have a little boy who has been coming to me for some time now, he is a live wire at home with his brother and family but he is quiet with me but not unhappy, he does tend to play in his own way on the sidelines or rather did do that about 6 months ago, he is really coming out of himself now he is 2.I encourage him but don't make him uncomfortable, we have lots of cuddles and start an activity often with him sat on my lap.

I have a close relationship with him and his family so we know that all is well.At 18 months most children don't directly engage with each other, they generally play along side until they are older.

All children react differently to being cared for by others, some take a long time to get into a different routine. It may be something very small which he doesn't feel comfeortable with, the cm may just do something slightly differently to the way you do things.

You must go with how you feel though, but if you are happy and confident with the cm I would stick with it a bit longer and ask her to keep a detailed diary of what they do during the day and see if a pattern emerges as to when he is least settled.

Some children take longer to settle.

I had a little one who was quiter at my house. It took time for her to settle with me.

It must be distressing for you as his mum. What does the cm suggest that you do? perhaps give things another week or so and if he still is not settled look at asking your MIL to look after him.

If you find another cm you will be starting all over again. Its not easy for the cm when a child is not settled either.

I have a little girl due to start with me shortly. I know her mum and the little one is use to seeing me. I did look after her not too long ago. She woke up and looked at me as if to say what am I doing here. She was fine.

Are you happy with the childminder apart from this unsettleness? if you are just give it a little more time and see what happens. All the best !!

From another parent's perspective I'd give it a bit longer if I were you.

My daughter, who is a huge chatterbox, started nursery part time when she was just over two. And she behaved just like your son for quite a while. The teachers told me that she was very quiet (came as a shock to me as I can't get her to stop talking to take a breath!), wouldn't join in unless asked to, just sat quietly observing.

I found it quite difficult to begin with and it has taken a good six months to get her to take part. The teachers were very good in encouraging her in the right way so not to indimidate her. But you should see the difference now! She runs in to the nursery saying hello to her friends, chats away throughout the day I am told (and I can see it for myself when I got to pick her up) and is basically her happy chatty self.
But it has taken a long time to get there.

If you are happy with your CM and you seem to be, I would stay stick with it. Some of them just take a long time to adjust to different environment.
I am sure it will work out.

You've had some good advice here. I've recently had problems with a child I have been minding for a year now, which came as a suprise but mum and I have managed to work out what the issue is and it's due to some changes happening in the child's home life but one thing that has helped the child is bringing a toy from home that they are very familiar with. Maybe you can do this for your son?

Some children take a long time just watching what is going on in their new environment. As long as your DC is happy (the CM will be able to tell you that), then it is probably fine and normal and he will soon be the live wire that you recognise from home. If he is not happy, then you may have to rethink.

TBH, I think it better for him to go through the pain of learing to socialise at this stage, rather than being (possibly) the painfully shy one at Reception...

I agree with the others & I definitely wouldn't recommend reducing to one day a week as this would make it much harder for your lo to settle. If you do reduce hours still spread it over a few days as this helps so much with continuity.

thank you for all your brilliant advice.

I'm going to speak to the CM tonight and ask that she keep a detailed diary so I can see how he is progressing. It was one of the things she tends to be a little bit lacklustre about and sometimes the diary is filled in and sometimes it isn't but I'll make sure she does it from now on.

On the whole I'm happy with her and I think perhaps we're expecting way too much from my DS at the moment. I think we'll give it to Xmas and if there are still niggling problems then we'll address these.

Thanks again for all your replies.