Am I being unreasonable?

[stoppingat3]

Some of you may remember my personality problems with the current au pair I have.

Following advice from the agency we have been muddling along but there are many small things that she has done that have irritated me and I know that this is clouding my general perspective so some help would be appreciated.

We went away for a holiday recently. Due to recent changes we now have to give her annual leave for the time worked. Depsite not accruing enough we said she could take a weeks paid leave that would use all her leave until Christmas (she would then go home unpaid for a week).

Then she would work for 4 days stripping out the house and giving the place a good clean.

We were also having some work done at the house so my fil was in and out helping with that.

We left some specific instructions about the cleaning and also what we expected - friend for dinner but no sleepovers, help yourself to food, etc etc.

Now we are back the cleaning work was adequate but certainly not to the standard that 4 days would entail. For example (not limited) the en suite as not cleaned neither as the bathroom, the fridge or the bookshelves in boys room.

FIL says that when she was off at the begining of the week everything was left around no general tidying etc etc, Then two days before we came back he had to remind her that everything needed to be cleaned.

I have found out that she did have people to stay and one of my best crystal (wedding present) glasses has been broken for which she blames the builders [hhmm]

I also left her some money for emergencies but have come home to find that she spent it all on her food, things like feta cheese and cloves (?)

There was plenty of food left and I would have thought if she was "off" for a week it is not too unreasonable to expect her to pay for any extras she wanted - The car was left full of petrol and like I say the fridge and freezer had plenty in them.

Also on an other note last night (work night) she went to the cinema and didn't get in until 12.40am she woke both myself and my daughter and then stayed in bed until 9.30 today. I have pulled her on this gently (I hate confrontation and just tend to seethe quietly.

I guess I want to know if I am over reacting - even though I have barely reacted to her iyswim?

Thanks for reading if you got this far

i read your thread and as always feel that most au pairs seem like my own teens..

i mean wwy give any teen house room unless they are your own kids.

I am sure its just an age thing.. and sure also that some are fantastic... but I know at 18 I would have been bloody awful at cleaning, cooking, looking after kids generally.... and selfish... i couldnt have cleaned an en suite to save my life!!

wouldnt it be better to employ a good nanny and save yourself all the hassle??

and btw you arnt overreacting at all .. would drive me mad so not critisising you in any way.. justr feel for you..

I don't think you're being unreasonable and you're not overreacting. Part of the issue is probably that you're not reacting enough.

Firstly APs are teens/very young adults. This means they often lack the social abilities to pick up on things and read between the lines. Secondly when Emglish is not their first language things need to be very explicit so gentle pullings up may go over her head.

How she organised her time when you were away is up to her but doing things below standard isn't. You need to go round with her and say what was okay, what wasn't and get her to redo (where feasible) what wasn't. That said she may not have thought of things like the bookshelves.

Spending emergency money on food is not on. That needs to be tackled. Were your instructions very clear that the money was for emergencies and there was plenty of food in the house? Unusual IMO not to leave any for bread and milk but spending it on cloves?!

Having people to stay explicitly broke the rules you'd laid down. For me that woukd be a dealbreaker as she isn't respecting your wishes or your house. What does your contract say on that?

Unfortunately things get broken. Blaming the builders, however, was deceitful. Why was she using your wedding crystal anyway? You could ask her to pay to replace it if it's still being made assuming you told her not to use it under any circumstances. That might bring the point home.

You need to sit down and have another serious chat. Write down what you want to say, rehearse saying it in very plain English, warn her that you're putting her on probation and lay out any and all conditions of that (like doing the bookshelves or paying back the emergency money). Go through the expected behaviour and duties once again and set a review date.

FWIW I think you have the patience of a saint. When I get to the employing an AP stage breaking house rules like having peole over to stay will be gross misconduct and get them the boot. It just boils down to a lack of respect towards you and you can't trust her.

Don't really see how cleaning to such a standard should be her job. I don't think asking her to spend 4 days cleaning out a house is part of her job.

Sometimes when you have a young au pair in your home, a little goodwill goes a long way, especially as she clearly has no family here. Why not send her home for Christmas paid?

Au pairs get a bad rap, which is not always fair. If you don't like her coming in late, and buying cloves with kitty money, you should pay to get a professional nanny.

You can't have your cake and eat it, there was a reason you chose an au pair over a nanny, and am sure you realised there may be some downsides to it.

We had five au-pairs one disaster. I think there are two big issues. I'm not clear about the leave and why you should dictate when she takes paid leave if this leaves her with no paid leave over christmas when you clearly want her out of the house. You also seem to resent having to give it. We always gave ours one week of paid leave for each term successfully completed and the girls could chose whether they wanted the money or the time. Secondly, the role of an au-pair is no more than five hours childcare/and or light housework. Four days stripping out the house and giving it a good clean .

We found that if we treated the girls fairly, kindly and in accordance with their contract, they did a pretty good job.

Although there are obviously issues in this relationship the op is IMO being unreasonable. An au pair is not a professional cleaner. Neither is she mature enough from the sound of it to be expected to make sensible choices (spending the emergency kitty for example). She sounds like a typical teen, entitled and a bit lazy. Its not right, her behavior, but it is not unusual. If you want a more mature, harder working and professional person living in your house, doing deep cleans, not spending money that isn't really theirs, then hire a professional. Not a teenager who is really just au pairing for pocket money and a new experience. It doesn't sound like your au pair is right for you so don't pile on the criticism if you've had adequate red flags and done nothing about it iyswim!

Although there are obviously issues in this relationship the op is IMO being unreasonable. An au pair is not a professional cleaner. Neither is she mature enough from the sound of it to be expected to make sensible choices (spending the emergency kitty for example). She sounds like a typical teen, entitled and a bit lazy. Its not right, her behavior, but it is not unusual. If you want a more mature, harder working and professional person living in your house, doing deep cleans, not spending money that isn't really theirs, then hire a professional. Not a teenager who is really just au pairing for pocket money and a new experience. It doesn't sound like your au pair is right for you so don't pile on the criticism if you've had adequate red flags and done nothing about it iyswim!

On the holiday note au pairs are now the same as any other employee and entitled to 5.6 weeks which they can take as they accrue it. Legally any employer can dictate when you take your leave, common practice for au pairs and nannies is all bank hols, 2 weeks chosen by parents, 2 weeks chosen by carer with restrictions like during school hold only being fairly common in children are school aged or parents are teachers. Not unreasonable at all to say that the time just gone could be paid if that was the accrued holiday up to Christmas. If she then wants more time than she's accrued to go home there's no obligation to pay it.

4 days of 5 hours cleaning isn't unreasonable if the conditions of the original arrangement included cleaning. Going over bathrooms is light household cleaning if they weren't ridiculously dirty, as is going over children's rooms - standard nursery duties IMO. If people aren't in the house so you don't have day to day clutter to clear before you clean then you can and should do a deeper clean and make sure everything was properly tidied away.

Not necessarily outside the scope of the arrangement as long as clear instructions were left.

Sorry I should have said she is 22 so not a totally young girl.

Re the annual leave I don't resent giving it at all - sorry if it came across that way, What I was trying to say is that she is entitled to 1.6 days per month, she had only been with us for 1 month and therefore only entitled to 1.6 days however we agreed that she could take a week in advance of what sh is owed. No big deal.

She is also paid to work 37 hours a week and yes cleaning is included in the contract as my DD is a nursery until 1pm each day.

I truly don't think that there was anything wrong is asking her to clean through the bedrooms and bathrooms while we were away - there was nothing onerous in them, very basic cleaning and general sorting of toys into correct boxes. In fact I did the boys room last night as it was getting to me and it took me less than two hours to finish.

It is clear to us that she did not work fully the hours that she was meant to and would have been absolutely fine with that IF the house had been done properly, One of the problems when I came in were crisps on the sofa. I really don't think they were there from before we went away but surely even if they were its not unreasonable for them to hav been cleaned up? They were clearly in view.

I'm not a tyrant and hope I don't come across as one, we left her a full tank of petrol for her week off and filled it up when we got back - despite the contract saying in her own tim she pays for fuel. There was lots of food left and we did say sh could hav friends in for dinner (Just not staying over as there ar no spare beds)

I'm planning on spending a few days thinking it through before having a chat at the weekend.

Thank you for your help

excuse my typing e has decidd not to work very well

Sounds like she's not an au pair at all, in which case definitely not unreasonable. Presumably she took the job knowing what it involved....

That said at 22, if not a professional nanny or nanny/housekeeper she will probably still need a lot if guidance, in plain English if it isn't her first language.

There is something about your APs behaviour which feels passive aggressive-y to me. Did she expect to be asked to come on holiday with you as ' part of the family'? Any chance she was partially sulking a bit? How long were you away?

On the guests staying over, no she shouldn't have done it when you specifically asked her not to. But any chance she was nervous being on her own? Personally I could not adjust to sharing my holidays with the AP as I get so few, but encourage them to have people round or go away themselves if they like.

I'm in two minds re the reasonable-ness of the cleaning. But I have very low expectations of APs on this front. Not unreasonable per se to ask but are you sure your standards aren't too high?

Regarding the "emergency money" it sounds to me like the felt she was owed some treats for being stuck at home. I'm not saying it's right exactly but in the future I would leave her enough money that you would be happy to see her spend and not account for. Yes, the fridge is full but really you are getting time on your own with your family w/o an extra guest to entertain. Which is worth it, imo, and some additional tolerance.

none of this of course applies if you offered for her to come and she didn't fancy it.

as frak has said if she's working 37 hours per week then she isn't working as an au pair.

With regard to her having people over. Maybe she was scared. It may have been the first time she was left alone. I know we've had people stay with us who even if they'd lived away from home before, they would still be in a university room shared with hundreds of other students - or used to an apartment block at home with their parents, where people live on the other side of the wall and you get comfortable to knowing the neighbours are there. If you live in a detached/lonely property then maye she asked someone to stay for the security. This may not have been clear to her - i.e. if you requested no overnight guests it may have been assumed you meant because of the children not seeing them etc.

No she wasn't asked to come, but as we booked it way before she came and she knew about it when we offered her the job I don't think she would have expected it.

Her English is really really good so I think she was clear about what was needed.

As for being worried about being home on her own I don't think so as she is used to living on her own and we do have family locally that she knows well.

Will see how we go, I know she and I are not a good personality fit - she is quite self sure and I think quite a bit lazy by default, I'm a busy person and a bit of a do-er. However my DH who gets on with everybody all the time is struggling as well.

Thank you for your help

The discussion about the stay overs was part of our chat about the holiday and then followed in an email.

We said she was welcome to have people for dinner and to the house just that we didn't want anyone to stay - she didn't seem to have a problem with it and its only because the girl that stayed is an AP for a friend of mine that I found out!

Builder (family friend) has confirmed that none of his boys broke the glass so can only assume that she did .

I just feel so drained with the whole thing! The previous AP was so lovely and even though there were issues that cropped up we were able to work through them, this doesn't happen with this one,

can see why you are irritated, and YANBU

BUT imo buying cloves and feta cheese is hardly that bad! I assume you now have a jar of cloves in your baking cupboard for as and when you need cloves?

I think this does boil down to the relationship you already have..

In my experience I know I'm only human so some of those things would have irritated me. They would definitely be exacerbated by the relationship we already had though..

..but..

I'd have been far more relaxed about another au pair staying over.

With the broken glass then I'd be prpeared to give the benefit of the doubt and believe my au pair as much as the 'boys' of the local builder.

..however...

I would have spoken to her first thing this morning about treating everyone with respect if coming in late..

and

I would have been peed off about emergency money being treated as extra spending money - I'm quite specific about what money in 'the pot' can and can't be spent on (daily stuff like bread, milk, toilet roll and all with a receipt)..

Maybe it's time to sit down with her and tell her how you feel, tell her that you want to try to begin over again (if you really do), and that you are treating it as a new settling in period and if you feel the same in a few weeks that you'll be looking for someone new. If you don't want to go through all of this then maybe you do need to tell her that you don't think its working..

You say you agreed to her having a week off in advance as she'd only "earnt" a day or so but what else was she supposed to do? You and your children were on holiday so how could she have just carried on working? She really had no choice.

I agree it's six of one & half a dozen of the other. I was an aide-famille, which meant more work for a (little) more pay, but "stripping out the house and giving the place a good clean" would have been work for a separate cleaner unless I'd specifically agreed to it, not been told to. Although I wouldn't have had friends to stay without permission, I do think it's fairly understandable if she got pissed with a friend, broke a glass and the friend crashed for the night. I once ate £200 of caviar while babysitting! That was how I learned the price of Beluga [hblush]

There seems to be an ongoing personality clash in your household and there may be little you can do about it. For your remaining time together, though, it might be worth brushing up on your assertiveness know-how ... or, maybe, even booking you BOTH on a local course?

I nannied from when I was 19-23. I am possibly one of the messiest people I know, and if the family had asked me to clean the house whilst they were away, I would have probably done a job very similar to hers. It wouldn't have been purposeful, just because I had different levels of cleanliness to the family. Is there any chance that she thought she had done the cleaning properly?

As to someone staying over, I'm similar to that as well. I hate being in a house overnight by myself, but after only a month, would have been too embarrassed to admit that to mb. She may have said she was happy to not have anyone to stay but actually was very uncomfortable about it.

I've also been left money before and spent it on takeaway pizza. It could have just been that she didn't fancy anything in the cupboard or wanted the cloves and feta to put with something else?

Reading the opening post, I'm a little bit confused as to whether she was off or not. If she was working, then cleaning makes sense. If she was off, then why was she cleaning the house?