DS upset, clingy and a bit aloof since new nanny :(

[Igglybuff]

New nanny started last week. She's getting on well and DS seems to have really taken to her (he's 1).

However since I've been leaving him for longer periods, he's not been right. Very clingy at bedtime (I can't leave the room until he's asleep), seems a bit offish with me (gives me a little smile when I come back but won't look at me much) and just seems a bit sad. The nanny says he's great and is happy when I'm not there which I'm sure is true. She's been taking him out every day to activities he likes. He's been taking his naps ok just a bit shorter than normal - probably just getting used to someone else putting him down.

I, on the other hand, feel so sad and guilty. When I see DS like this, I end up crying (not in front of him). I know it's normal but I wondered how long would it go on for?

I really sympathise. My two were older when I went back to work but I always felt guilty that the childminder was picking them up from school instead of me. I did manage to get out some days but I think you end up feeling guilty whatever you do.

It's only been 1 week so it's all very new to him. Busy days and shorter naps mean he is tired when you get home. Give him a few weeks and I'm sure things will settle down.

When my ds was 11 months I went back to work - the first week he cried for a while when I left and the 2nd week he cried until I was in the car, the 3rd week he wouldn't look at me or say goodbye! But by week 4 he was waving and smiling .

I only worked mornings so when I picked him up he was due for a sleep so he would be a bit grumpy which was difficult for me as I'd missed him.

Exactly, a week is a very short time and he'll probably settle into the routine in a while - you both will!

Thanks ladies. His routine is pretty much the same as it would be with me to minimise the changes. He was very clingy today at bedtime and when I came home early, he grizzled when I tried to leave the room. But he did nap much better today so not quite as tired today.

I think you're right, it will get better. Probably part of it is my anxiety about going back to work as well. DS is generally a happy chappy, it's hard seeing him a bit out of sorts. He seemed to want lots of cuddles from me today so not ignoring me this time!

From your post it sounds more like you have the issue not ds...

I don't mean it in a rude way...going back to work and leaving your ds with nanny is HARD...

He's prob a bit tired if he's napping less and is going to be a little out of sorts while he gets used to the fact that you aren't there all day.... but tbh I would be over the moon that he doesn't come charging at you full pelt and seem delighted to see you as you walk in the door...surely that means he is happy and comfortable with nanny. A happy child is much less interested in it's parents when they arrive :-)
You have said you are feeling guilty about going back to work and it sounds a little like you are seeking reassurance from ds that you are loved and he needs you.
Just give him chance to settle into his new routine and try not to let it show that you are feeling bad (and emotional).

Oh iggly ... It's hard

DD used to pounce on me the second i walked through the door when I came back from work

You will all adjust but it does take time - another week or so and you will, feel more like you are all hitting your stride

Iggly, my DD2 was about 9 months old when I went back to work and I definitely noticed that on the days I worked she was harder to settle at night. I think she just wanted to play with me for a bit before going to sleep (and wasn't knackered enough to just pass out!).

I don't think she was spending all day missing me (actually I don't think she thinks about me at all when I am not there) just that she fancied a bit more mummy-time on my return.

Anyway, we're a few months down the line now and she has reverted to being easy to settle again.

Don't feel sad and guilty. If you have a good nanny your boy is well-taken care of, and for him to learn that mummy might go away but will always come back, and that other people can take care of him, is no bad thing. And you mustn't beat yourself up because it will just make things harder for you.

Hi ruby, thanks. I was hoping you'd come along with some wise words so good to hear from you :)

I came home early the other day and DS was giggling away with the nanny. But he did get a bit funny when I tried to leave the room. Today he's not let me put him down for his naps - he clung on like a limpet when I tried to put him in his cot. Same at bedtime just now.

jendot I understand what you're saying. I feel more guilty when I see it effects DS too. But yes I think he's happy with the nanny - just a big change as I'd never left him more than a couple of hours before now.

I'll try and go easy on myself Halibo. Although I think being a mum means feeling guilty most of the time!

Iggly - are you one of my fb friends? You can always message me

This is my second time using childcare so I hopefully have some wise words

It's an adjustment - it is really good news that the nanny is doing well

Being clingy is usual - they have a bit of a clingy phase at a year old or so ...

Remember this too shall pass

It's just the age old dilemma that women face when they go back to work, there's the dread, excitement and always the guilt. If it's the right thing for you and you're happy going back to work then I think it's always the right thing for the children too. There has to be a good balance for everyone between work and home but ultimately, if you're happy with your decision this will rub off on your children as well as they sense it.