Au pair advice needed - how to let her go when it's not working

[MizZan]

Hi - looking for anyone who's btdt with letting an au pair go. After a couple of really great aps, we have one now who started in Sept. who is proving to be well below par. She is a nice enough girl but her language skills are not at all up to meeting the communication needs of my two kids nor does she communicate well with me at all, about anything, even when asked lots of direct questions. This is creating problems and she's also clearly not a natural with young children which has meant she's not connecting well with my 5 year old at all. I think some of this is just personality and not only language skills and there are some other issues as well. She's not awful, or mean to the kids, but she's just not really up to the job, or up to what we need her to do, and it's becoming clear that this is very unlikely to change (maybe in 6 or 9 months, but we need someone who can function now).

So my question is - what is the best way to let her go? Does anyone who has done this before have advice? I think she will be unhappy about it. She has not done anything negligent or worthy of "firing", but it's just not working despite several efforts to point out things that need improvement. I do not think she at all deserves a "sorry it's not working, here's your plane ticket home, bye" followed by a ride to the airport 5 minutes later once she's packed - we want to be as kind as possible about it - but what is the best way? She may want to look for another au pair job here, she's in the midst of an English course she may want to continue, ideally I would want the kids to say goodbye to her (though this is not my primary concern as I don't think they'll be too bothered, sadly) but I am not even sure how any of this would work. Ideas, anyone?

Thanks.

First what does your contact say abount termination?

Legally you don't need to have a good reason but you do need to give 1 weeks notice as a minimum. Your contract may specify more.

Secondly was this a private placement or an agency? If agency then they should be able to advise you on dealing with it and find a replacement, assuming you're still within the 'guarantee period'.

If not then you need to do it yourself.

You've tried talking things through, did you mention that the next step would be giving notice?

If you fired her today will you be able to cover childcare once she's gone? If you have a 4 week notice period would you want her to work it or would you just do pay in lieu of notice? Have you recruited a replacement yet?

What you need to do, once you've worked out which variables to plug in here is:

Check your contract for notice and decide whether you're making her work it or paying in lieu

Call the agency if you have one and take their advice/ask them to speak to her
OR
Sit her down this evening, tell her it's not working and whether you want her to work the notice or you're paying her off. Be prepared to consider letting her stay at yours a little while if she wants to find another job and you don't have a replacement lined up.

Pour yourself a large glass of wine and write a letter with her official leaving date on and the notice arrangements.

When you've recovered, figure out what went wrong and how you could have prevented it then start looking for another one.

There are good aps and bad aps - just sounds like you weren't too lucky this time.

Could you imagine another family she would be suitable for? I can't work out entirely from your post whether it's kind a personality mix issue or whether it's negligence/lack of competence and interest in the role. Because repeatedly not doing things she's asked to is probably going to bother someone else AND make it difficult to give her a reference which would enable her to get another post. Relative to other families do yout hink you are more or less or about equally demanding of the AP? Not being critical, I'm just thinking about what I would need to know when working out whether I could give a reference. Why did she become an AP?

Can she get a refund on her language classes? Would you be willing to refund her?

Sorry for all the questions, it's just that you said you really didn't want to go down the route of sending her home on the next plane. But I'm kind of wondering how realistic that is.

I had to ask one au-pair to leave a few years ago, due to a personality clash. She had been with us for 5 months, but I had grown to dislike her more and more every day. In the end, I told her we wouldn't need her any more, but we would wait for her to find a new family. The wait was quite hard, but at least we departed in friendly terms, and it was easier for everyone.

Is there anyway you can wait for her to find another family?

It really depends on what her employment contract with her says. Mine allows for a two week notice period from either side on the basis of "its just not working out".

Thanks for all the advice.

We hired her on our own, not through an agency.

Our contract says the 1st 4 weeks are a trial period - we are just past that, but to be honest I don't think I specified what the notice period would be after that. I was quite ill for the first few weeks she was here so didn't really have an opportunity to observe her "in action". I can't say I have had discussions with her along the lines of change-this-behaviour-or-you're-sacked - I don't believe in threats like that, and in my view if someone needs that level of warning then they're really not going to be a suitable au pair for our family.

This is not that kind of situation. It's more that, because I am at home relatively little for 4 days a week, and DH almost not at all, we need someone who is a much better communicator and either more experienced or more of a natural at childcare (and mess-tidying, homework help etc) than this girl ever will be.

I would certainly give a week's pay in lieu, and pay for a ticket home if that's what she wants to do. I am also planning to reimburse her for the English course, whether she stays in our town or goes home. We paid for half of it anyway, but I am happy to pay her back for the other half of it.

I don't think it's realistic to wait for her to find another family. We are not in London - there are not millions of families needing an au pair here, she can't drive so wouldn't be able to work in one of the surrounding villages which limits her options even more, and her English is really not great at all, so I am guessing it would be challenging for her to find another family. My feeling is she might be happier working in a more adult setting anyway, but she has to make that decision herself. I think she might suit a family where the parent was around a lot more than I am, to provide guidance, and perhaps where the children were older and required less interaction - but again it could be quite a while before such a family turns up.

We also have alternative (much better) childcare sorted with a person who can start right away - unexpectedly our previous au pair said she would be able to come back for a few months, which would work far, far better for us (note this did not happen until after we had already decided the current one had to go). So from my perspective and that of doing the best thing for the children, it makes sense to say goodbye to the current one sooner rather than later.

I am not so concerned about "are we doing the right thing" from a legal perspective - I will make sure we are, as far as the financial side. It's more about what would be a humane way to tell her, and what sort of help/approach would be appropriate after that. I am not too keen on the idea of her continuing to look after the children after we tell her we're letting her go (just as I would not ask someone to work out their notice if I fired them from an office job where I work). But obviously it is complicated as she is living here. I guess maybe I can talk openly to her (to the extent this is possible!) about whether she could stay with a friend or something. Or pay for a hostel for a week or something if she wanted to stay and look for work?

Well I would be slightly worried about the legals but as long as you pay in lieu there isn't a problem (assuming you're UK based). Just don't end up like the poor MNer whose au pair threatened to take her to an employment tribunal!

I would just honestly tell her it's not working, say you'll give her pay instead of her working the notice (do double check the contract to see whether there is a notice period written, legally there should be), offer to pay for a hostel or a plane ticket and reimburse her for the course if you're happy to spend that much money.

Probably best to do that on Friday so Sunday evening you can drop her at the airport if you don't want her working when you've given her notice to leave, but do have chat before then so she knows it's a possibility.

She's there to make you life easier and she's an employee that you can fire if she's not doing that.

Last time it happened was exactly the same situation - our prevous AP was desperate to come back and his replacement just didn't fit in.

To be honest I bottled it and turned my DH's rolling contract into a scenario where DH hadn't got a guaranteed job so we were having to cut back on childcare and make do.

Then we gave her two weeks to find something else/move out, with proviso we would pay air fare back if she hadn't found anything by then.

Legally if they are there for less thna a year then they can be dismissed for any reason, an dif no notice period specified in contract then one week notice required. You will also need to pay holiday pay for period she was with you - I guess around 3/4 days-worth.

If she has been with you 5 weeks then she will have accrued 2.7 days of holiday that should be paid (6 weeks - 3.2 days etc). That is 5/52 *28 days that is the legal minimum for a UK worker. (28 days = 4 weeks plus the 8 bank holidays).

Thanks again for all the advice. Not sure the paid holiday stuff is correct, DIOM, for an au pair who is working on a part time basis. I work part time myself and my holiday and bank holidays are pro rata in line with my contracted hours, so can't see why hers would be any different. In any case she is going to be getting plenty from us which she is not "contractually" entitled to so I can't see there is going to be any issue, I suppose we can just call some of it holiday pay if that covers things off, legally.

I think the way ahead is clear though it's going to be a challenging couple of days. thanks again - always good to hear from people who have been through this.

It's calculated on days worked. If her working day is 5 hours then even if she's part time 5 days a week she's still entitled to 5 working days.

If she only works 3 days then you do 28/3 to get her annual holiday, divide by 52 to see what she accrues per week and multiply by the number of weeks she's been with you.

What do you mean by giving her things she's not contractually entitled to? If it's not in the contract why are you giving it? And if you're doing it because it's a legal requirement, like notice pay, why isn't it in your contract? Or do you mean the English course/air fare which is entirely your choice (and I personally wouldn't do it but you seem nicer thanks!)

When I had to 'get rid' of my AP last year I just asked her for a chat
I had already writtena aletter to her explaining everything, and so when she sat down, I just said 'I am really sorry, but this just isnt working out for me. I am not going to rush you out- happy for you to stay for 2 weeks whilst you decide what to do, but thats as far as I can stretch it out. Have a reatd of he letter and let me know if you have any questions'

She went to to her room and cried for a bit, then the next day we had a decent chat and she left just under 2 weeks later. Actaully the notivce period was fine for me, as I no longer felt endlessly tense

DreamTeamGirl, thanks for the good idea about the letter. Can I ask what you said in it? And did you do anything to help her find another au pair position?

THe letter is a really good idea.These are young girls, not professional nannies, and having privacy to consider your reasons (and time to re-read to ensure she understands everything)was a great idea.Hope I never have to use it, but will store this up.

Hi MizZan

From memory I said something like

Dear AP

As I am sure you are aware I have been a little unhappy about having to remind you to do the jobs that are on your daily list, and also about the fact that you are still smoking (despite coming to me as a non smoker according to your application).

In addition it seems that your cooking skills werent as developed as you thought meaning that you aren't able to give DS his tea as we originally planned.
In light of this, I think it would be better for all involved if you looked for a new family and we looked for a new au pair.

Therefore, please accept this as formal notice that I would like you to finish working for us by x date.

I am happy for you to stay with us until x date, but equally for you to go sooner if you need to- just keep me informed of what you want to do.

Thanks for being part of our family, albeit for a short time- I am sure DS will remember you fondly'

Yours etc

HTH