How can I approach slight anxiety in my DD with CM?

[Rollergirl1]

DD and DS have been with the CM for a month (after coming from a private Nursery). DD has also just started in Reception so it has been a big change for her. Things are going really well. DS (2) absolutely loves it. DD (4) does too but she is a sensitive little soul and I think she is a little bit anxious about mealtimes at the CM's. On the days that she is there CM picks her up from school at 12.00 and she has lunch back at her house along with DS and another child. They also have dinner there with a number of other after-school children. DD has always been somewhat of a fussy eater and sometimes doesn't have the greatest of appetites. In the second week that she was there she was complaining of a tummy ache for the last day at the CM's and every day of the following week. CM said that it seemed to come on around mealtimes and I am pretty sure that it was caused by anxiety. She seems to be much better now and she hasn't complained and CM says she is eating well.

However this morning DD told me that she was worried about having to eat salad at CM's house as apparently she told her the other day that it was the last time she would throw her salad away and from now on she has to eat it. DD (tearfully) told me that she really doesn't like salad and that CM will tell her off if she doesn't eat it again as she doesn't like waste. I think she likes them to eat everything on their plate. CM has mentioned this to me in passing also. I can understand what CM is trying to do. She wants them to eat healthily. But I worry slightly that her approach is going to give DD a complex about eating at hers.

I think I need to say something but I don't really know how to go about it without offending her.

DD has also been saying things like "Mummy, CM is very bossy (she means strict) but I do really like her." And then she asks if that is okay. When I ask her to clarify she says that saying that isn't rude if she says she likes her but it would be rude if she said she didn't like her. When I question her she says she does really like her but thinks that she is bossy.

I'm just a bit worried, as I mentioned before DD can be very over-sensitive (she sometimes thinks she's being told off even by me when I'm not) and probably has a tendancy to be melo-dramatic. But at the same time I don't want to ignore the things she is telling me. Otherwise I am completely happy with CM and the way she does things. She is quite strict and she does tell the children off and I am fine with that.

Just after some advice...

I think its counterproductive to force a child to eat everything on their plate. Put a little of something on and great if they try it, if they don't then no big deal.
In this case, I think its really upset your daughter.

As a minder myself, yes of course I request that children eat their meals, eat healthily etc but I would never dream of laying such a guilt trip on a child - for the reasons that you are describing. I do not like food wastage but if a child genuinely does not like the food or is not well then to me that is a valid reason not to eat it. After all, an adult would not eat something they don't like and you would not force an adult to eat either.

And teh way your DD has said about it - the wording has come straight from the minder.
Perhaps the minder has not realised how/what she has said the effects of the child.

You need to talk to the minder before this gets out of hand. if this minder is any good then she will take your concerns and your DD's anxiety seriously and work with you to reassure both of you.

Does your dd have to have tea at the childminders, could she have a snack and then eat at home or take a packed tea.

Please just have a talk to her, ask her if everything is OK at dinner as DD seems a little worried about having to eat everything up and as long as she has tried something, that you are really not too worried if she eats absolutely everything, explain what you do at home, as she should take this into account.

I have got to know all of my mindees and know which really do dislike something and when they are just being a little fussy, but I never expect a clear plate (I always overcook anyway) I just encourage them to try it, or negotiate such as, "If you eat 2 more bits of carrot there might be ice-cream for pudding or "whoever eats all their dinner tonight gets an extra shake of sprinkles" (which there probably would be anyway). For those that are particularly fussy about veg/salad I will usually chop a bit of fresh fruit up before their pudding.

If you are happy with everything else, just keep lines of communication open.

Could you send her with a packed meal? I do this (lunch, not dinner, but usually a cooked meal to reheat). Then you know she has something she likes.

I think sending her with something seperate to what everyone else is having would give her even more of a complex. Besides, I don't really want to have to cook a meal for her when we get home at 6pm.

Anyway, I did speak to the CM. I explained that DD seemed worried about upsetting her with not liking certain things and feeling like she had to eat them and not finishing everything on her plate. CM says that she hasn't addressed anything like that specifically to her but that she does pull up the other mindees when she knows they are trying it on (the other mindees are 7 and 8). She said that she would never dream of saying that to DD as she hasn't been with her long and she is still learning what she does and doesn't like. She said that she would make a point of reassuring DD at mealtimes. So it sounds like DD has misinterpreted the situation a little bit, although I guess there would be no reason for DD not to assume that CM was not including her in the telling off.

Anyway, it has been mentioned now and hopefully now that CM is aware of how DD was feeling she can give DD the appropriate assurance.

Perfect :) sounds like all is well and you have a lovely cm :)