Nanny ill - rethinking the whole working mum thing

[mommybunny]

I'm fairly new to this site, although I've dipped a toe in and out from time to time. I work full-time (with a "flexible arrangement", which for a City law firm means 9:30 to 4:45 in the office, then off home and working till whenever from home) and have a live-in nanny, who my DH and I depend on heavily.

For the first time in almost 3 years our nanny has been off sick and is out all this week with a migraine for which she's going to have to have blood tests in hospital. She's had migraines before and has just worked through them - she "gets" it that if she doesn't turn up to work, I can't go to work and if I don't go to work, I don't have a job and therefore neither does she. It may sound cruel for me to have that attitude (my mother certainly thinks so) but our nanny knows I don't care if she sits on the sofa all day with an ice-pack over her head and the TV on, so long as the kids are safe for that day. Many times I haven't even known she's been ill till after it's passed.

But now, with these blood tests and everything, it may be serious. I hope with all my heart everything's ok - my DD, in particular, absolutely adores her and misses her and asks for her every day. She's part of our family and I don't want her in this kind of pain.

But I also find myself secretly thinking it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if she were to be told by her doctors that she needed a period of recuperation and shouldn't work during that period, but that after that recuperation she will be better. I would have to take a leave of absence from work -- my DS is in full-time school but DD is in nursery only a couple of days a week. This week DH and I have been madly struggling to pick up the childcare slack. I've been looking for a respite from this rat-race for a few months now to think about what I want to do (i.e., to figure out whether I still want to be in a job where I am forced to have the attitude about a nanny's illness like I mentioned above) and it would be so easy to use this as my excuse. I feel terrible even for thinking it.

Crikey, I really feel for you. I left that City rat race for similar reasons. Also because none of the women above me in the chain were role models I wished to emulate in my own life (never see their kids, rely totally on nannies, divorced because of work pressure, kids 'hate' them because of work pressure, husbands resent them because of work pressure etc blah).
If you're not at the top already, are those above you role-models? If not, then probably best to consider leaving/taking a break sooner rather than later.
Can you take a sabbatical anyway? Take the nanny out of the equation.
Also, you might be worrying about your skills not being transferable out of the City (I did), but they are - you will be able to make the move!
The opinion about nanny's illness is not all that unreasonable - no need to worry about thinking that. Any employee of a small business is reliant upon immediate cash-flow for their job!
I used to be so miserable in my job that I used to fantasise about being run over just so I could get sme time off. I sympathise totally!

nannys are only human, we get ill at times just as our db/mb do

i have felt shit all week, i have a temp/sore throat/headache/and sound like a man but i have come into work as i know mb needs me - saying that she asked if i wanted time off, and i said no happy to come in and take things easy, both older 2 are at fulltime school so just babs and i, she sleeps 2/3hrs a day and im on the sofa chilling - which i know my mb is very apprecative of

the difference is that if i wanted to take time off mb would have said fine and NOT made me feel guilty, yes i want to be in bed and die, but will battle on

tbh you sound quite harsh in your approach to your nanny, sometimes we DO need time off, are you seriously telling me that if you didnt go into work for a day or 2, whether you are ill or nanny is, and then you wouldnt have a job?

obviously NO NANNY or tbh any employee wants to let their employers down but sometimes we get ill

if you want to quit your job then do, but dont blame it on the fact your nanny is ill

there are temp nannys/agencys who can find you someone , and sure your nanny has some friends who would be happy to help out

i hope your nanny is ok x

WTW, that really helps, thanks. I'm not "at the top" and above me are few role models, although my firm has been making noises publicly about trying to change that. I was passed over for a promotion this year and am wondering why I am putting myself through all this for so little reward (other than the salary, which I have to admit would be hard to give up).

I miss my kids, much more than I did when I first went back to work with each of them. I see the mums at the school drop-off in their pilates or tennis gear, or just chatting to each other as if they had all the time in the world while I'm racing in and out to make the train on time (and that's just this week because I'm having to do the school run with no nanny), and I'm SOO envious! I have so little idea of what my DS is learning at school, because I rarely do his homework with him. I also have so little social life, because the mums at school don't know me very well.

I had to over your comment about being run over to get some time off. I've been there before too (and am there now)!

it sounds to me that you should give up work or take a sabbatical and think things over

saying that my friends ex mb felt the way you did and she gave up work, only for 6mths later decide that she missed the push/power/thrill of working and her kids drove her insane, and she went back to work

the grass isnt always greener

could you find a different job/closer to home/shorter hours if you still want to work?

BHMF, no I am not saying that if I missed work for a day or two because my nanny did I would lose my job.

I'm coming at this from the standpoint of a mum who had a prior nanny who in 9 months of working for us took 16 days off sick, and usually let me know 15 minutes before she was due to turn up, and it was for some reason usually on a day when my DH was out of the country. Every single time I was left scrambling like mad to find some alternative arrangement so I could get to work. I barely have 16 days holiday in a year myself, so much of the time I couldn't just take the day off. We ultimately moved house to be closer to my in-laws (and that nanny left) so that wouldn't happen again.

Maybe I muddled what I was trying to say - I wouldn't exactly BLAME my quitting (if that's what I did) on my nanny being ill. If I quit it's my decision and I'm taking full responsibility. But if I quit I have to let the nanny go - which would make me feel terrible (although I would fully honour the notice period and then some, and give her a glowing reference and as many contacts and help as I could in finding a new position). If it could happen in a scenario where she would have left anyway I feel less bad, simple as that, although I would still do right by her in terms of notice pay and reference etc.

wow, 16days in 9mths - thats not good tho was 3 yrs ago

nannys lose their jobs often, through mb/db being made redundant/giving up work/children being too old/going to school/moving etc, so dont feel bad if you do have to give your nanny notice, its kinda par for the job iyswim

your nanny would obv be entitled to redundancy/xx no of weeks notice and hopefully a glowing ref from you

Can't you use up some of your parental leave entitlement to take a month off work and see how you feel after that?

SS, yes, I possibly could use leave. Right now thought it's a delicate balance - I don't want either work or nanny to think I'm not "fully committed" to the job, because either one could use it as an excuse to "sack" me, as it were. That's kind of what I was referring to as well in my first post - if I have to take an emergency leave of absence because the nanny needs a recuperation period, then neither work nor the nanny need to think anything about my commitment, but I still have that breathing space to figure things out.

Of course, I know life isn't that neat. Even if I do get that breathing space it still might be delaying the inevitable difficult conversation with both work and nanny.

I am having a nasty operation next month and my first thought was 'ah, catch up with my research'.

We are between the devil and the deep blue sea, are we not?

Seriously, though, I know the world's best temp if you need one. Then you can put off the decision if you need to.

I agree with blondes that you sound a bit harsh. I can understand your upset from the first experience with your nanny but come on - this girl has been with you for 3 years (that's a lot for a nanny, especially a Live-IN nanny), who you say you and DH have depended on a lot - your DD adores her - she sounds like an absolutely fantastic catch to me. She hasn't had a day off sick in 3 YEARS for goodness sake!!

And even though you say you'll pay her notice and then some etc etc, I wouldn't chuck her out the door around this period of insecurity for her, regardless whether it's what you wanted to do in the long term. She is obviously having some type of medical issue, and surrounding that she's going to be handed her notice by a family she's been extremely loyal and hardworking for? Poor girl!

Ack, hit post before finished. If I were you, I'd tell this gem of a nanny to take off as much time as she needs, get herself better and you'll sort things out in the meantime. I'm sure that she is worried about leaving you in the lurch and feeling guilty, if you then quit your job and give her notice she's going to feel like shit, and like she wasn't allowed to have that week off because of her medical problems.

I don't think OP is harsh to the nanny. She just sounds stressed, which is entirely understandable. Yes in a perfect world you would give as much paid sick leave to your nanny as they need, and you'd just stop working for a few months with no effect on your career/life. Most nanny employers are not in the position to do that.

As much as you may love your nanny, you just cannot arrange your whole life on her wellbeing and not do the right thing for you and your family only to stop nanny from feeling "like shit".

Something got lost in translation Starberries - I was not thinking in the slightest of sacking my nanny just because of this illness. She is a totally fantastic catch, I agree!

The agita/aggro around my possibly deciding not to work anymore is (almost) completely coincidental to her being ill. I say "(almost)" because now that I'm the one doing the school run and the tea and the homework etc. it's making me think more and more I might like to do it full-time. But I've been thinking it for a while, even before this illness.

Incidentally, Starberries, without a leave of absence from work (for which I most likely will not be paid, unless I use up all my holiday for the year), I'm not sure how I am supposed to "sort things out" while our nanny "takes as much time as she needs". And I can't afford to be paying a nanny when I'm not earning myself.

If you are really feeling like you are missing out on your kids growing up then get out now. you may change your mind in a few months or even longer so don't burn any bridges. but always remember that no one ever looked back and wished they had spent more time in the office or wished they had applied themselves more to a company project.

when i went back to work dd was 8 months old, i was in a great job earning decent money and was glad to be back doing something i understood and was good at (because lets face it, we kind of just bluff our way through parenthood and hope we don't mess them up too much) but as soon as she started growing and i realised that the childminder had seen her take her first steps and knew more about her than me i started to hate my job and myself and even dh.

if you have a good reputation with experience you will always be able to get back on the ladder.

EmMumo6, you're not a city lawyer are you? It's the devil of a job to get back on the ladder. We are such a rigidly status-obessed bunch we cannot contemplate anything out of the norm, like, erm, having children.

Mommybunny it sounds to me like you do need to cash in some of your parental leave. I know what you mean about how it's harder when the DCs go to school, because this is a whole new world for them and you know really nothing about it. Can you find a little white lie to hang your parental leave application on?

Then I would suggest getting your DSs' timetable from the school - he will have one, even if they don't give it out as a matter of routine, or stick to it rigidly - and the lunch menu, so you know what to speak to him about. I find doing drop off one day a week is a big help in terms of feeling involved and having the teachers recognise you. I get 30 days leave a year and use some of that to help on school trips/ sports day /whatever. No ideas if you only have 14 days! And meet those other mums from DSs' class - there will be one or two who will be your pals and fill you in on details. Can you organise a mummys' night out in a local pub?

And maybe you should think about a different firm? Hard I know, especially at the moment. But there are differences between firms, and a target of 1400 hours and 1750 hours are just not the same.

I don't want to talk you into working FT or staying in the City if your heart isn't in it - I think that would be awful. But from your post I thought you were looking for some options. These have kind of worked for me, sometimes better than others. Maybe they will give you something to start with.

I am a mum and a nanny and really feel for you, the thing is you have done so much training for your job, and it would be a pity to waste it.

Yes nannies do get ill but if you was a mother you have to carry on if you are ill and there are not many jobs where you can take it easy all day . I have always gone to work when ill. I feel sorry for your poor nanny but at the end of the day you need to go to work.

I agree with Friday Child - there are some jobs, from which I think you could probably take a couple or more years of absence (I would imagine teaching and perhaps some branches of medicines, some secretarial work, retailing) but, in the City (if that is where the OP works) I would say that 3 - perhaps 6 months if your reputation is really strong - is about the max. So depending on what job the Op is in, I think that she does need to consider her next step quite carefully.
I myself work "part-time" - in my case, this means being paid for 3 days of the week and being on call 5 days plus evenings (have just finished for the night!) plus the odd hours at weekends. The idea had been to have a work-life balance and spend some time with DD but wokring "part-time" in my particular business has put a serious brake on my career, it has not enabled me to spend as much time with DD as I would have wished and I now wonder whether it would have been better to focus full-time on my DD or full-time on work. As it is, I am not sure that I am doing either.

Sorry, this is rather veering off topic but it is a subject that worries me quite a bit right now. I just wanted the Op to know that I sympathize with her conundrum and would advise to think long and hard about the next step, unless she is in the sort of career where you can take career breaks without detriment.

OP, have you considered going "in house". I have a few friends who have done that, because it was easier to get a better work/life balance. Another alternative is have you thought about dropping down a tier?

Very sorry OP, just realized that I forgot to recheck your thread before posting - you work in a law firm.

It has been a very long, that's my only excuse.

But the "think hard" before you leap recommendation still stands.

I was not suggesting that you drop everything work-wise, but intimate to your nanny that the most important thing is her health and not to feel guilty about not being able to work.

Sign her off on sick leave and hire a temp nanny if you can't quit your job. It's difficult finding one, yes, but if you love your nanny as much as you say then you will want to take whatever temporary measures necessary to keep her on within reason.

I used to work in the city in a very similar environment to a magic circle law firm, but now have changed to working in house at a FTSE 100. Have you thought about this? It is definitely more forgiving!

From a very short term perspective, does your firm offer help with emergency childcare?

I'm at a City law firm and they offer access to a nanny agency who can supply last minute nannies if you have a childcare disaster. Odd days here or there only of course, not long periods, but worth checking out with your HR dept in case it's an option.

Of course this doesn't really you help much with the wider dilemma of seeing more of children vs financial and intellectual benefits of working - a dilemma I am also struggling with. (There are very few senior female lawyers with children in my firm despite schemes such as the one above...)

I quit my job last week after going back and forth with the idea for the past few years. So glad it's finally done and I can be with my children more and work part-time with hours that suit.
Good luck with your decision.

I used to be FT in a city law firm so know how you feel. I have worked PT teaching for 5 years but about to go back into practice 4 days a week. I feel for you - its so hard to know what to do and get the balance right. Have you thought about a PT PSL role? That would get you some time with your kids but maintain your knowledge. I also have friends who took jobs in regional firms or inhouse and got better work-life balance that way. I was surprised at how many jobs there were when I spoke to the recruitment consultant but then I work in a bit of a niche field.

The juggling of work and childcare still remains though even if working on a PT basis - I use an emergency nanny agency if all else fails. It costs so not good for a permanent option but okay for a day here and there.

Hope nanny feels better soon - and you too