Is this normal?? DS crying when nanny arrives

[easilydistracted]

I hope I'll be able to get some perspective on this situation by hearing about your experiences -- please help!

My DS (now nearly 15m) has been with his nanny 3 days a week since mid-June so for about 3 months. She comes to our house, I do a quick handover and leave for work. The problem is that he invariably starts to get agitated as she comes in and then bursts into serious tears/cries/howls and gets quite red in the face when I leave he is obviously very upset.

Our nanny tells me it only lasts a few minutes but it is disturbing and stressful to see this every single time I leave for work. Does he not like her? Is he too young for this and still adapting? Its been 3 months!! Is this a settling period or is this normal for the foreseeable future?? :(

I would love to hear your thoughts, any help/experiences/advice would be appreciated -- many thanks.

It may have nothing to do with how your DS feels about his nanny and everything to do with his age. My DS started doing this at about 15-16 months. I read somewhere that it was classic "separation anxiety" behaviour which is typical for that age. It's when they realise that the arrival of the nanny means that you are about to leave. My nanny (who'd been with DS since he was 4m and stayed until he was 6.5 years) had to reassure me regularly that he calmed down very quickly after I'd left. Once or twice I had to pop back home, about 10 mins later, for a travelpass or keys I'd forgotten and saw that she was right. The phase didn't last long for DS but unfortunately we don't recover as quickly as they do!

Maybe you could arrange with the nanny to move him after you've gone into a room that you can see into from outside the house and look in 10-15 mins later (without letting him see you)? That might reassure that he has moved on from saying goodbye to you and is absorbed in the next thing.

i also agree it has to do with age and yes it is disturbing for you, but beleive your nanny when she says it is over in a few mins

it prob doesnt help when the nanny is only there for 3 days

maybe a shorter handover would help, ie your nanny comes in a few mins before you leave, or you leave earlier

if you ring 5 mins later bet you wont hear any tears/howls

some parents actually like the fact their child cries when they leave as means they are loved , my 3 have never cried when mb leaves and she much prefers it that way, it measn they are happy with me (tho saying that, it doesnt mean your dc is unhappy, he just relieses that you are leaving)

your nanny started at 12mths and that is an age where some children do have classic missing symtoms

it will get better, maybe your nanny can say mummy is going now, bye bye mummy, and when you get home in the evening, say the same, nanny is now going, bye bye

Thanks so much for your comments. I'm really hoping it is age-related and temporary (though it seems very untemporary at the moment!)

Snowjive, I've also had to pop back in for forgotten keys etc, but I dread it now as he's just starting to calm down but still quite red and sniffly and then seeing me again just sets him off! Argh! We live in a flat though, and I can hear whether or not he's crying when I leave the building, often I can't hear it. I guess I just wish he wouldn't start to begin with.

blondeshavemorefun, thanks for the tips :) i'll relay them to DS nanny tomorrow morning -- we really need to get creative! Maybe taking him out into the landing near plants for handover etc ?

You have my sympathies as my son did this every day that I left him (3 days a week). We had a childminder and then switched to a nanny.

It's not that he doesn't like the nanny (assuming you think she is good), it's just that he doesn't want you to go.

My son is 4.5 now and he STILL says that he doesn't want me to leave in the morning and on a particularly bad day he might even cry about it! He loves our nanny and he even says that it's not that he doesn't like her, it's just that he doesn't want me to leave.

I liken it to when you say bye to someone that you are not going to see for a while. The goodbye is the worst part. Once they are gone, it doesn't seem so bad.

Distraction and to give it time is the only thing that you can do really but even distraction wouldn't usually work for my son and the best thing was just to grit my teeth and leave.

Hi idril, that's really sweet that your son can tell you that, I guess the sentiment is always there that our DC don't want us to leave them! (ooh I just thought of something, maybe i'm the one who needs distracting not him -- something to take the mind off the trauma of leaving for work? )