looking at getting an aupair any advice?

[Mummiehunnie]

Hi, I got an aupair when I was at the end of my second pregnancy as was in and out of hospital for the last month or so. She came and we tried to include her in the family for the weekend, Monday came and the tears she did not want to do work. I had preeclampsia and she was making me iller, she went to college that day, I rang the agency and told them it would not work out. That night I told her if she was unhappy, apprently the house was too small for her etc, then she needed to leave, she did not want to, lots of crying, the next thing another aupair and the lady she was staying with were at my door shouting at me for being hearless woman, I got so ill preeclampsia hbp from it all I had seond child early!

I am fearfull of having another bad experience, my youngest is ten and a half now, I am a single parent and am disabled, the children's father has no contact. I can't carry on as I am and need some help, the best way I can see forward is to get an aupair, we have the space (bigger house this time lol!).

What scares me is them not wanting to do stuff, being usless, steel, lie etc.

I am speaking to a girl from Italy, she told me her dad died when she was ten and her mum was an alcoholic and she was brought up in care for the past four years.

Have you got any tips for getting a decent aupair?

Steer clear of the one you have been talking to here. Has lots of baggage and may want you to be her surrogate mum.

May sound harsh but you really don't want the potential hassle.

Dancing, what potential hassle do you forsee?

It is often easier to see things in others issues you can't in your own!

Just the possibility of "ishoos" due to childhood problems.

Isn't necessarily the case, she may be lovely, but has had a difficult childhood which could have left her with hang ups.

The question is, do you want to take the chance? I got the feeling from your OP that you would not want to.

Remember, it is not your job to sort out an au pair's problems. You need someone who will be able to work efficiently for you. You need to be a bit selfish.

Not foolproof but I try to go for those with previous aupair experience in an English speaking country so I can call the host family over the phone and get the low down or the praises, as the case may be.

Always check up on references over the phone.

Agree with Dancinghippo that the one you mentioned is a non-starter. I do ask whether they help out in the house and whether their mother worked when they were growing up. I prefer if they were not only children (less risk of being waited on at home) and that they did not have a boyfriend in their home country (less risk of homesickness). Also, better that they lived outside their family before eg in a flat or on an overseas exchange programme.

I always want to see some form of childcare experience beyond occasional babysitting or looking after siblings eg worked in a children's camp or nursery or doing some child-related course. They all say they 'love children'. But it is only those that actually walk the talk that I believe.

I agree with dancinghippo.

The potential issues that aupairs come with include mental health, food issues, drugs, alcohol, relationship problems - anything a teenager gets up to really. You don't want to add emotional problems to that. You cannot be rescuing aupairs when you need a reliable extra pair of hands.

But you can also get very sensible girls who keep their out-of-hours vices under wraps and are professional about their duties and great with children.

Thanks you guys, your explanations really helped me.

Also the tips re boyfriend, having left home previously etc, it is help around the home mostly I need as my children are in years 6 and 8, so it would not be lots of hands on childcare so to speak, I am around a lot as well, I have limited mobility! i just hate the idea of hastle like we had the last time, getting your hopes up, and having more grief after putting in so much effort!

If you want them more for housework, make sure you specify that in the job description. Most aupairs prefer childcare over housework.

How about getting a cleaner instead? Or a mother's help to come in for certain hours a day.

A mothers help sounds good, where do you get them from? I have a dog also and I wanted an aupair to take the kids and dog for a walk as part of her duties as I am unable to do that!

try gumtree.com or local shop windows for mothers helps. or nannyjob.co.uk

blueshoes - out of interest - when you prefer girls who have been an aupair before, do you think about why they want to be aupairs again? in the same country? as i would have thought tha a typical ap, if s/he is lucky, spends their year/half a year/what ever period as an ap and then move on. and i also remember some families wanting an ap who knows what they want to do after their ap time as opposed to aps who are aps out of lack of other ambitions.

also you said about your other criteria, which generally make sence and give you better chance of your ap working out but do you keep in mind that not all single children are waited on hand and foot, not everyone breaks down without the boyfriend etc? do you rule them out just on these facts? i am really curious, not trying to be rude or anything.

caterpilarr, very good question about girls with previous aupair experience.

No doubt I will now be jumped on from a great height, but generally Western European aupairs (the good ones who are not drifters) are gap yearers, and Eastern European aupairs are more likely to do it for more than a year. I don't think it is difficult to find E. European aupairs with previous expereience. I prefer W. Europe because their English is better - I work ft so need to give instructions over the phone. That means the pool is rather limited ... I am looking for a gap yearer that wants to change families mid-year that is not leaving under a cloud because I need to get a good reference from the family they are leaving. That is a pretty rare bird - but I got it twice before, the first one was a gap yearer who took a 2 year gap (the second year with us) and the other one I hired in March who stayed 6 months with her first family and was with us the remainder of her gap year.

The current aupair is at the start of her gap year with no aupair experience. But that seems to be working out touch wood.

None of the other factors you mention are dealbreakers (nor is lack of aupair experience). They just inform my decision. The main hoops are their answering my 30+ questions and getting a good reference. I correspond with about 10 girls and eventually only 1 or 2 ever get to that stage. It is at the stage when I am considering between 2 very closely matched candidates that I use the factors I mentioned (it is part of the 30+ questions).

you didnt make it easy for yourself, blueshoes ;)

I am honing my technique and it is getting better.

The questionnaire is actually very good at sorting the wheat from the chaff because anyone whose English is not up to scratch will surely baulk. If someone can answer it quickly (I only ask for short answers), I know they probably don't need to check a dictionary. I make sure they are keen, not just interested.

The weird thing is, the aupairs that did not work out were the ones that contacted me first with an email - I use aupairworld. You would have thought that showed initiative, and true to form they made it through the whole process, but something was not right. I am still mulling that one.

I would say that one of the major things to find out is their reason for being an Au Pair.

My experience is with French Au pairs only but you need to try to find out why they want to be an Au Pair other than learning English (which will be their main reason). Very importanly, you need to try to identify the ones coming over to have a good experienec and thos that are trying to get away from life back at home.

The other major issue is to make sure you are absolutely clear about what your requirements are and make sure they think things through before accepting. If you're not sure if you need 25 or 30 hours a week, it's better to say 30 just in case etc.

Follow your gut instinct as well, you're usually right!

I would steer clear of the whole au pair thing unless you find someone yo uhave no misgivings about at all.

Our au pair didn't work out. Lasted one month after a series of shambolic and slightly dangerous incidents, not to mention failure to do the most basic of tasks.

IF you think about it - young girl, first time away from home, usually speaking not her mother tongue, staying with family, no escape.... it isn't really destined to be the greatest success ever is it?!

we've had great success and some not so with aupairs - so dont gie up on the idea. Good luck

I think as long as you're careful, know what you're looking for and getting into then it can work out.

The ones that don't tend to be where the family or the au pair has unrealistic expectations. If the family sees it as a job and the au pair as a family exchange then it's going to end in tears. Likewise if the family wants someone to be part of the family and ends up with an independent party animal who does their work and then goes out it's probably not going to be a positive experience either.

When both parties are clear (and there's a good contract in place to refer back to in case of problems) then it can be fine!

I reckon a lot of people with their extensive au pair questioning and criteria are trying to eliminate those candidates for whom it is the first time away from home (hence previous exp/overseas exchange/living alone), speaking a language they don't necessarily understand (hence testing English level), doing a job they don't particularly want to be/have any idea about (hence proper childcare exp/previous au pair exp) and getting homesick (hence the no boyfriends) as all of those together mean it's unlikely to work out.

BTW if you want mostly housekeeping duties my mother swears by girls who've worked as chambermaids in hotels. She still has au pairs even though we're all growed up so she really doesn't want childcare experience any more! Flipside is her job is rather cushy with plenty of time for study/school pickups or babysitting for neighbours/a part-time cleaning job.

I think people who tell you all their problems when they're supposed to be selling themselves are not a good bet. At it's worst it's a form of manipulation...seeing how much of a bleeding heart you are, and therefore how open to exploitation - even if it's not done consciously.

I use "Aupairworld". I found a good "test" is to email and say you'll phone at a given time. They should respond and say they'll be in at that time. If you then phone at that time and they are in, that's good.

It's quite surprising how many don't make themselves available at the given time, shows they're not very reliable. Don't give them a second chance if they do this.

Our first one was good, appeared a bit too laid back at the time but that was just how she was, a little hippyish. We still keep in touch 8 years later and she visits every couple of years. I had just been let down when I first phoned her and was very brusque on the phone to her and she was extrememly insistent that she would not let me down and I could tell she wouldn't.

The second one was an acquaintance of a friend and that didn't work out too well. She was really really excited about coming and I can see now that that wasn't a good sign. Had high expectations and so everything was a disapointment (also slept with our lodger which didn't help)

Both were from Germany. I prefere those who haven't been aupairs before. I was an aupair 3 times and the first time was definitiely the best, spent lots of time with the family. Second time I spent more time exploring, third time I was a bit jaded.