Am A Being A Cow to this AP?

[batsforlashes]

Hi,

I would really appreciate some feedback on this situation. Promise I am not a horrible person, maybe a little hormonal ( 6 months pregnant) so be gentle with me !

So our first AP left last week and although not perfect,she was fab with the kids, was never here and I always felt happy to have her around.

The new AP arrived last weekend, she is a bit older and could not be more different. First off she is a very nice girl, more than willing to work hard, punctual and neat and tidy. So I am feelingvery torn over my gut reaction to here. However, I have a couple of concerns re her "fit" into the family and with me in particular.

She is quiet reserved and does not seem to be naturally into kids- ie does not give hugs to the the girls ( 4 and 2), seems very uncomfortable when they are touching her and it all seems a bit forced. God she sort of reminds me of the way my MIL is with them- trying to hard ifykwi . But she can be quiet sharp with them and is quick to correct and give out.

Secondly, she has been here for a week and has left the house 3 times-once for a walk around the block, second time to meet a local AP that I put her in touch with and she was home at 9.00pm ( I was used to my last AP never coming home!). Then this morning, she has a day off and went into town to register for her visa. She is just home and I said -"Oh were you not interested in having a look around town" We live in Dublin so lots of interesting things to do and see . And she said "well yes but I did not have much breakfast before I left and did not want to spend money when I did not have to". To be honest this sent major alarm bells ringings for me- I have an allergic reaction to people who are ultra cautious re money. She has money as I offered the chance to earn cash which she was not interested in. Also she did not bring a gift to the kids which I thought was pretty standard.

What do you do in a situation where it is more about your reaction to someone rather than anything that they are doing wrong per se. We are expecting our third child in few months so I am at home and we are around each other a lot.

If you go this far- thanks !

Hmm. Difficult.

Seeing it from an ex-aupair's perspective, she could be just needing time to settle in. I hardly ate for the first two weeks as I was so nervous and homesick.

As to the money, you may think that she has plenty money but you have no idea if she is happy to spend it all or wishes to save for something. Surely that is her prerogative?

So she's tidy, punctual, hard working, doesn't wander off or stay out all night and prefers not to flit around town spending all her wages before the day is out? You don't what her circumstances are so you can't comment on how much money she should have.

I am struggling to see your problem tbh... I never heard of anyone bringing a present to the children either, she's an employee not a maiden aunt.

The poor girl has only been with you a few days, give her a chance.

She probably needs time to warm up. You have to try harder with some people than with others, it doesn't mean she's not a nice person underneath. Give it another couple of weeks?

Hmmmm, I can sort of see both sides as an employer of an au pair and as someone who worked abroad when I was about 18.

On one hand if you don't actually like a person they can be good at their job, but you still don't want to live with them because you just aren't fond of them for whatever reason.

On the other, as Rockbird and Endangered so rightly say, she may just be quiet and reserved and not very confident yet so may need a few weeks before she's happy to chat in English, order in cafes etc.

If it were me I'd give it a month and see how you both feel after that, she may just need to settle in and become used to living with the kids before she comes out of her shell.

I had one of these once. Felt like I had my very own dementer wandering round the house trailing depression wherever she went. Didn't like 'walks' or 'buses' or 'town', didn't like anything really except watching 'Friends' on TV.

To be honest there were other underlying problems as well (she started taking a very strong preference to one DC above the other), but it felt like the sun came out the minute she left.

Personally I would give it a couple of weeks in case she is just going through a huge cultural adjustment but don't leave it too long - our dementer stayed for 12 weeks in all and it wasn't fun. There was quite a funny PS to my story though - two months after she left she sent me a really nice letter saying that she realised now how miserable she had been and was sorry. She also said that she was much happier now she was back at home and working in Mcdonalds (I thing she found double chesseburgers infinitely easier than my two children )

Hi,

She is from NZ so no language issues, also she has been travelling for a few months so don't think it is a homesickness issue.

Her ex- BF turned up as a complete surprise when she was travelling this summer to proclaim undying love so they are now back on and having a long distance relationship which is great for her but probably reduces her desire to make new friends as much I think.

I just think that we are very different people and that I got it wrong in the selection process.

How long were you hoping she'd stay?
cos' lets be honest, a quiet, punctual, hard working AP ticks quite a few boxes even if she isn't an immediate natural fit with the children.
It could well be she needs some time to relax, fit in and feel more comfortable with the dc and in a month or so you are all feeling much happier
or it could be she is never that comfortable with the dc but if she is responsible, and reliable that counts for a lot.
I have had a lot of APs in the past and believe me you could do and AWFUL lot worse.

oh and in answer to your question, no, not a cow, but maybe a little harsh.
You got extremely lucky with your 1st AP.

Thanks everyone. I know myself that I need to stand back from it for a while and give it a chance- again not my natural reaction- I tend to be a "gut reaction" sort of person.

The breakfast/money situation could have been her shock at Dublin prices! I found it v v expensive when I was over there.

I wouldn't see the money situation as a problem. Of the 3 AP's I had, they rarely used their money to eat out; much prefering to save their money on other things.

It sounds as if she has a different personality to your family. I guess the decision is whether you want to ride it out for a little while longer or you try and find someone more suitable.

As a former au pair and now live in nanny I think you're being a little harsh. Let her settle in x bit first as it sounds like she can do the job just fine and needs now to emotionally settle in iyswim? Plus the money side of things: au pairs get full board as part of their deal so why should she spend money on eating out if she doesn't want to? Au pairs pay is low so she probably would rather spend it on fun stuff.

I would give her another couple of weeks and then have a sit down with her and chat about how things are going.

As a former au pair and now live in nanny I think you're being a little harsh. Let her settle in x bit first as it sounds like she can do the job just fine and needs now to emotionally settle in iyswim? Plus the money side of things: au pairs get full board as part of their deal so why should she spend money on eating out if she doesn't want to? Au pairs pay is low so she probably would rather spend it on fun stuff.

I would give her another couple of weeks and then have a sit down with her and chat about how things are going.