au pairs previous employer won't talk to us on the phone- WTF?

[blimey]

we have found an apparently nice AP who has been in england for 6 weeks working for a family who have her doing sole care of an under 2 year old all day 5 days a week plus cleaning in the evenings (paying £250 per month)She says they won't talk to us on the phone.SHe sent a reference which is very good but doesn't even have a name on it.I have asked if they will talk to me by email. Seems a bit dodgy - maybe family are embarassed/can't be bothered. I don't want to miss out on a nice kid because of them but what if she is the dodgy one?

She hasn't told them she's leaving, or she has no job and a mate has mocked up a reference for her.

Steer well clear.

I would guess she hasn't told them that she's leaving or she's leaving under a cloud of somesort. Is the written reference def meant to be from that family and not a previous job?
Our last au pair, who was fabulous, was refused a reference for future jobs (we had already gained a reference) from her previous family despite leaving at end of contract and supposedly on good terms, because of a complicated misunderstanding, so I would ask potential au pair to explain why they think their former host family won't talk to you. Mind you, having now met au pairs who have fantastic profiles but that I know either have poor hygiene/manners or in one case, had an affair with the host dad, I would also keep an eye out for someone who really does have a checkable reference!

Have also known a couple of au pairs who left dodgy families (similar to your potential au pair, left with children who are too young or working 60 hours for £75 type jobs) but rather than say that they were looking for other families in the UK they have said that they were going home, hence getting a reference to explain what they had been up to for the last couple of months but not being in a position to let new hosts in the UK phone the old ones without being found out in the lie.

What Dinghy said. Steer well clear.

thanks guys,

She is leaving already after 6 weeks in the job?

I make speaking to old aupair employers a condition of proceeding. In this last hiring process, one girl offered me a range of references just not her previous family, who she said moved country suddenly and she lost contact.

I made my condition very clear. She never got back to me.

Personally, if I read in an aupair's profile about her being illtreated by her previous host family and that is why she is looking, I don't normally contact them. I know there are bad employers, but it is bad form to diss them online. I am happy for it to come up in the emails and I can explore further, but not outright in the profile or if the aupair is evasive.

yes leaving after 6 weeks
she had told me about the conditions by email after we asked - she did not diss them - just said it was too tough for her

Still very risky, blimey. I remember the aupair I had to get rid off. It was also the 6 week mark that was the tipping point. All my attempts to salvage the situation had failed by then and it was improve or out ultimatum time.

I would imagine that if that aupair had to give the reason to a prospective family, it would also be along the lines of it was too tough, rather than I was crap at following simple instructions and managing my time.

It's bad luck to be with a bad family, but there are aupairs who despite being in a less than ideal situation would have toughed it out longer and stayed a decent period of perhaps 6 months, and there are those who jump ship at the drop of a hat or are pushed.

See those hills over there, OP???

Run for them. Fast.

if you cant check refs then stay well clear

this goes for EVERY childcarer whether ap/cm/nanny

Steer clear.

Our lovely nanny had previously worked for very odd people - but even they agreed to speak to me over the phone when I was checking on her references.

If she seems really nice and you are close to offering the job, why not offer it subject to being allowed to speak to current employers. That way if she is worried about them sacking her if they find out she is looking for a new job, then she is covered. If she is just worried that they will tell you she was horrible, then explain that you need to speak before she can have the job and it is her choice.

There are some families who treat au pair's badly/are not what the AP expected, and she would probably appreciate you more if she has had a bad experience.

I had one applicant who claimed her previous family couldn't speak to me because they did not have a phone and had forgotten to write a reference . I did not employ her!
As others have said tho' any doubts, then look for someone else.

Can she provide any alternative refs from previous jobs or people she's done babysitting fot etc..? I wouldn't hire anyone without checking up on references but it is possible that it's the current employers at fault here and not the au pair.

A friend of our au pair left her original employer in the UK after 2 months and pretended that she was going home. They lied outright in their original advert (they had 4 children rather than 2, one of whom had special needs) and also expected her to clean their entire house, including the bathrooms every day and the grandmothers house nearby (!) once a week. She worked around 60 hours per week with one day off for £60. It was her first time away from home and she didn't understand how badly she was being taken advantage of until she spoke to other au pairs. When she gave notice they told her to get out straight away and we let her stay with us for a few weeks while she sorted herself out.

Anyway, when she found a new job the previous employers refused to give a reference. Luckily, she had an older referee from home which the new family was willing to accept. We were also willing to give her a short reference for times when she helped our au pair with babysitting and sorting out DD's clothes etc..

Some families are awful and some au pairs are dodgy. You always have to exercise your own judgment to some extent. I wouldn't accept no references but I might consider alternatives to the current employer.

I would look for somebody else. To me there seem two major issues here:

• leaving after six weeks
• not having a verifiable reference

Does sound like an unreliable candidate

What do you feel are the compelling reasons to continue to consider hiring this girl rather than moving on to someone whose references are straightforward to check?

Personally I probably wouldn't take this any further. I just think there are too many other nice girls out there whose references could be checked to bother proceeding with this girl. When we were very naive hiring our first nanny I wasn't as thorough about checking her references as I should have been. I had one reference that checked out and a more recent one I am ashamed to say I let go when she never 'got round' to giving me the details and had already been helping us out a bit. Mistake.

But Togarama's scenario isn't uncommon - there are crap au pair employers out there.

Is there any third party out there who could verify her spin on things? Like a friend?

Still not sure it's worth it but I appreciate the recruitment process for an AP can be pretty painful. i wouldn't let her already being here and therefore seeming low maintenance on that front (as opposed to someone you've not met from abroad) be a big factor in her favour though if this is a consideration.

Harriet, agree with what you wrote.

I have never been convinced that meeting up with an aupair face-to-face is really that helpful in the recruitment process except maybe in eliminating BO.

There was never any real indication from the first hour of meeting an aupair (even the one who was eventually a no-show) whether she was going to be any good or not.

Oh, tricky.
I was an au pair once in France and I decided to leave before the year was out, but I had been with the family for 9 months by that stage.
I left because the work was really hard (hoover whole house every day, asked to iron underpants etc etc) for around £100 per month (it was a while ago, but still), the family quite unwelcoming (left me alone in the house whilst they went off on two-week hols, didn't like me to join them for breakfast etc) and I knew I had nothing more to gain from it.
Having said that, they would still have given me a reference had I needed one.
If there's any doubt at all about someone who's going to be around your kids, then walk away. Sadly, that referece is worthless.
It is definitely worth trying to get to the bottom of why she left.

Thanks again for all the advice. We sent her emails saying we really needed to speak to the employer and we have not heard back. I guess that speaks volumes. She had told me she needed to leave by monday so part of my thinking was wanting to rescue her - never a good decision making state of mind. There are others interested however so should be ok.

On the fact of people being surprised it was only 6 weeks - one our our au pairs decided to leave after 2 weeks! She said the job just did not suit her and so she stayed with us whilst she found another job working in a shop!

Blimey, the ball is in her court now. You did what you could.

I never let myself by pressured by a prospective aupair's deadlines. I am prompt in replying to emails (within 24 hours) and answer all questions as best I can. But there is a minimum due diligence and no stranger who I am trusting to take care of my children is worth the risk.

As for your 2-week aupair, fair enough the job was not to her taste. At least she was not looking for another host family behind your back.

WTW, to your credit, you stuck it out for 9 months. If anyone deserved a good reference, it would be you. I honestly don't know why some families think it is ok to exploit aupairs.