what kind of care?

[ElphabaThropp]

Going completely nuts, please any advice

I have an 8 week old baby and I am not coping. I need to find some good care for her, as its not a good atmosphere for her. Does anyone have any experience of childcare for such a young baby and could advise on what to look for/ what sort of care is appropriate? I have no family or friends that can help out, but if I return to work I can afford up to £800 a month for full time care. Is this reasonable? Please don?t flame me, I?m at the end of my tether and she will be a lot happier with someone who isn?t. Sorry if this is the wrong place to put this

Contact your health visitor or local Sure Start and be honest about how you are doing.

I am worried that if you return to work you will be plagued with unresolved feelings of guilt (and be exhausted in the evenings/ night time when you have to spend with her).

Are you on your own? If not does your H/ P know how you feel?

Hooking up with other mothers with babes helps - you cannot scream and shout in front of them, and you do have someone else there when you go to the loo. If you do not know any from antenatal class maybe there are Mnetters near you who can help.

Whereabouts are you?

You are not alone in feeling like this, so do not be embarrassed.

You may be able to get a childminder for that budget if you are not in a major city, though it would depend on the hours needed and local rates.

Have you visited your local Surestart Children's Centre? While not offering care (though some do) they have sessions for those with babies, so you can chat to other people about any issues, how to cope etc.

Absolutely, working can be really good for many mums, but it sounds like you have other issues which may need to be sorted first.

Like the others have said contact your local childrens centre, they have lots of help, advice, drop-ins, especially if you don't have anyone else to talk to.

I suffered awful post-natal depression with both of my children, I really felt I was a terrible person and mum, as everyone around seemed to be doing better than me. A chat to the health visitor and my GP did the world of good and put me right. I now realise how common it is, women can feel terribly pressured to show they can do it all.

If you do go back to work, most childminders, nannies and nurseries have lots of experience with young babies.

Good luck.

Most areas have a Home Start service which link mums like yourself up to a volunteer who will come and support you and offer a few hours respite. You can contact them direct (google Home Start for their web site) or your health visitor or childrens centre can refer you.

As a Childminder I have worked with parents requiring respite and because of their flexibility it has allowed me to fit these families in during my quieter times and therefore parents have only had to 'buy' a few hours care to give them the space they require.

I know it might not feel like it at the moment but I'm sure you are doing a great job. I hope you find the services you need in your local area.

Childminder - I have had two mums who have returned to work (both high powered but self employed so needed to work to pay mortgage etc)

I am an experienced nanny, who now childminds as I have my own children, and found it a delight to have a baby to care for.

Some mums needs to go back to work, not also for financial reasons but also because it makes the mum a better person. I have one mum who works three days a week just so she gets some 'me time'

You have to do what works best for you and your family

Thanks everybody. I really appreciate the advice. The problem is I can?t get to classes/drop ins/etc as the baby yells constantly whenever awake & not actively being fed & won?t sleep anywhere except on me, so most days i just sit here.I've tried everything, but she won't sleep unless I hold her all the time. I can?t feed myself, i?m averaging a shower every three days, a sandwich once a day. As i?m bf?ing as well, i?m losing weight hand over fist and this can't go on. My health visitor is no help. If I could get her into childcare I think someone who knows what they're doing might be able to help her learn to sleep, & at least I'd not be so ill. Unfortunately my work is a full time or nothing deal and I'd have to go back to pay for childcare.

I know I've made a terrible mistake here & I can't think what else to do. I'd love to hear any mumsnetters experiences of getting nursery places or childminders for really young baby, if anyone's got them?

The problem is I can?t get to classes/drop ins/etc as the baby yells constantly whenever awake & not actively being fed & won?t sleep anywhere except on me, so most days i just sit here.

Does not matter is baby yells all the time... that's what some of them do. You need to get out and about... see adults. There may be a reason why your DD is yelling all the time... so getting out to the babyclinc could well help. They may also be able to check you over for signs of PND as well at the same time. You may not get on with your health visitor but you never know you may find a different one at babyclinc (though it could be the same one).

Dare I mention NetMums... they have a health visitor online in the early evening. Could be worth having a chat with them, to get a second view of another health visitor as it were.

this can't go on
You are right... you need to do something. Childcare is not the solution currently, as it's just passing it on to someone else. It won't fix the morning, evenings, nighttime or weekends. Plus your DD may not settle in childcare... she may just be the same.

Start looking at local nurseries by all means, see if you can find any which take young babies. Some won't take them under 3 months, so you could have another 3 to 4 weeks of having her on your own (do you have a partner who can take over at all?).

Try also posting on other sections of Mumsnet for practical support on the Breastfeeding, Sleeping, etc. Such as Childbirth, Breast and Bottle Feeding.

From a quick search, looks like you are in the Bradford area.

There are support lines available
0300 100 0212 National Breastfeeding Helpline (think it's 9am-9pm)

NCT Bradford - Breastfeeding Counsellor: 0300 330 0771 (8am - 10pm), Postnatal Line 0300 330 0773
9am-1pm, Monday to Friday.

Cry-Sis - Helpline for those with demanding babies 08451 228669 (9am-10pm)

ParentLine Plus - 0808 800 2222 Open 24/7. If you are feeling alone and need to talk to someone... call them.

For details of childminders - Bradford: Children's Informaton Link 01274 437503

Hi, I had a collicky one too.
Firstly, no tiny baby as suffered ill effects from crying for a few minutes - if you need a shower, put him/her down in their cot and have one. They'll scream, but they'll not come to any harm in the cot and you'll feel MUCH better.
I put DS1 in nursery just before he was three months old. I had two lovely mornings to myself and yes he screamed all the time, but he screamed all the time for me - so no difference and I kept my sanity. Most nurseries will take them from three months. Before that I used to drop him off at the creche at the gym. Most creches will take from 6 weeks.
I'm sure you've tried it, but dummies are really helpful - they do try and spit them out initially but keep persevering.
Incidentally, DS1 is lovely now - a bit of a sensitive boy, but very sweet and normal and with DS2 I had an angel.
It does get better, but honestly it does seem like you need a bit of time off.

I second using a dummy. I breastfed exclusively and it doesn't interfere once they're a few weeks old. And as far as sleeping is concerned (please don't flame me for this... My HV went mental when I told her) I used to lie on my back and laid my baby on top of me. BUT I don't drink or smoke or any of the other risk factors associated with Sudden Infant Death and I was also getting enough sleep that I didn't suffer with overtirdness. She slept like a dream and it got us through to a stage a few weeks later when she began to learn how to sleep on her own. And she never slipped off me, ever. During the day she used to sleep semi upright with her head on my shoulder, while I watched tv.
This stage won't last forever. Your baby will learn how to fall asleep. But it doesn't happenovernight. There are people that can help, as per the posts above. But they won't know you need support unless you get out there and ask. Hugs.

You are not alone and you have not made a mistake, on my short maternity leave I counted the hours (Literally) to each parent group I went to. After having so much contact with people in my job, I found being at home alone with an infant very lonely.

DD would only sleep during the day if I pushed her in the pushchair (she slept at night okay) so I pounded the streets.
The nursery I choose was ofsted approved from birth and DD went at three months. The got her to sleep in a cot during the day in the first 48 hours -this made my weekends much more pleasant. I was much happier seeing other people and consequently was a much better mummy at the weekends.
Oh yes I did the dummy thing she never spat it out, the moment I put it in when she was two weeks old she gave me a look of 'finally you've worked it out'.
6 years on going back to work relatively early was the right decision for me both DD and I were happier. She has grown into a beautiful, outgoing, bubbly girl. My career progressed really well (probably because I was happy) I have more money now and take more time off and spend quality time doing great things with my DD. The latest thing is we share a puppy now and are going to dog training together - we are having so much fun discovering all this together.
Be honest with your HV if you decide to go back about why, my HV saw the signs that staying at home could lead to depression and was hugely supportive helping me choose the right nursery and once I was back at work she always helped me get the appointments right at the very end of her afternoon clinic.

thanks everyone & thanks for all the contacts Nannynick. I really appreciate it but I tried getting out -in this case to get the baby vaccinated & for her 8 week check. I know people said things to me, I saw their lips move but I have no idea what the words were as I couldn?t hear over the baby screaming. Perhaps I?ve agreed to donate my body to medical research Lizcat thanks, its great to know it can work out. My hv is the only woman I?ve ever mentally applied the c word to so I can?t see her being any help but then she doesn?t need to be at this stage I suppose. I will try the dummy again!!!

Anyway thanks again everyone- I really appreciate the advice and help. Good luck with the puppy Lizcat.