Please tell me if it's going to be ok...

[Pippa103]

Hello ladies,
Well my year of lovely maternity leave filled with cuddles and mummy/Esme time is drawing to a close. I go back to work on Thursday, 2 days a week for a month then 4 days.

We have found a lovely childminder, not very experienced but gentle and caring, with her own kind, polite 22 month old.

Settling in began on Monday. I stayed and played for 30 minutes then said goodbye and Esme did a 2 hour stretch with no real problems.

On Tuesday she literally screamed when I tried to leave and sobbed until I picked her up an hour later. On wednesday it was pretty much the same story. I had been hoping we might be up to a half day by then. She refused to shift off the childminders lap and cried solidly for 15 minutes before cuddling into her and sucking her thumb.

The childminder has kindly offered time on Saturday and Sunday, then Tuesday and Wednesday next week before Esme starts properly for full days on Thursday and Friday.

I feel awful for putting her through this. I suppose I'm hoping somebody will say that this is normal and that I'm not causing her any long lasting hurt.

I'm dreading going back to work now.

It's normal. You won't cause lasting hurt.

It takes time to adjust to new people and places; sounds like your CM is doing a good thing by finding extra settling time for her.

Give it a few weeks; she'll be fine.

If not, then there are other plans you can make; but I'd suggest you actually do a few weeks back at work before making any decisions.

How old is Esme? Babies go through a tricky stage of not wanting separation from primary carer... so if you are going back at that stage (can be anywhere from 7 to 11 months, I find) then it will be even harder than usual.

It's normal for a child of any age to show objection to being left. It takes them time to adjust to new people, new environment, changes to routine.

Also children pick up on your own feelings... so if you are apprehensive, Esme will pick up on that and play to it (like it's a game... you're upset at leaving her, therefore she will do what she can to make you even more upset, thus making you even more upset).

Give it a few weeks... a good two at least, ideally a little longer. Once in a routine of going to the childminder and knowing that you will come back for her... she will then settle down. Though will from time to time still create when being dropped off / leaving the house.

Thankyou for your kind replies. This is all so new to me.

Yes she is almost 11 months old and a real cuddly mummy's girl so this was never going to be an easy transition I suppose.

I'll remember the point about her picking up on my anxiety and be super positive when dropping her off on Saturday.

Is it a good idea to stay and play for 30 minutes before leaving? She just clings to me the entire time.

Tricky age, like nannynick said.

Personally I would probably just get you to do a really positive quick drop off.

She will sit on the CM's lap and cuddle up to her now, so she is starting to trust her, which is a good sign.

Your CM has probably been through this before, so just talk to her :)

I second hsmm- drop and run. Explain to Esme that she is going to play at 'cm's and that you will be back to pick her up later before you get there. Get to the door. Give her a big kiss and say see you soon have fun with a great big smile (even if she is crying). Turn and walk away and don't look back.....(then cry when you get to the car). Esme will probably 'scream' but after each drop the settling time will get shorter and shorter until it's only a few seconds and then nothing. She will know what to expect and be very comfortable in a very short time.
If you hang around you are just prolonging the inevitable and making it worse for all involved.
Children (even clingy ones) adapt to new things so quickly. SHE needs to know you are happy and confident and comfortable to leave her with cm and that cm is comfortable and confident to deal with her.
Its hard :( I know

Are you also leaving comforting things for Esme? I ask parents to leave favourite toys and a blanket that smells of the mum (for them to cuddle in and that I put round/under them when they're having a nap), which really helps. Also a photo of the parents - I get talking photo albums from Amazon, so the parents can put in photos of the family and record little messages - which is a fab distraction!

Definitely agree a quick, positive handover usually helps - if you're going to stay and play then do it at pick-up time (with CMs agreement).

Good luck! :)