Total novice - nanny, nursery or grandma!

[felicity10]

I'll be going back to work when DD is 11months old for 3 days a week. Choices on childcare, of which in all honesty, I am just dreading her, but here goes!

• nursery - i am on a waiting list, has great reports from neighbours but it is busy and i don't have a confirmed place yet

• nanny share - i could potentially share with a friend, who will also work 3 days a week - can a nanny take 2 11 month olds?

• grandma - potentially, she might do it and is thinking about it, we'd pay obviously, but it is a big tie - anyone any experience on how best to make it work?

So...ignoring money, can anyone offer me insight on which are the best options? My first choice is grandma, but i really don't know if she will want to when it comes to it. Then the nannyshare, i like the thought of, but practically looking after 2 must be tricky and will i find one who only wants 3 days a week?

Any thoughts or experience gratefully received!!

A nanny can take on 2 11 month olds, yes.

I would probably not use grandma. The reason is that IME help with childcare sometimes comes with strings attached. If you have a very open relationship, you trust her to do what you want and you won't have qualms about giving her instructions then fine, but if there is any chance that you might disagree on things with one or the other of you getting upset, then it's not a good idea. It is simply not worth risking your relationship over.

I have had friends who have found having a granny rota very helpful, but I like to keep childcare on a more professional footing, esp if I am paying for it!

You should be able to find a nanny who will work 3 days a week. They may have another job to fill the other 2, or they might be happy to work 3 days because they'd probably get a slightly higher rate for those 3 to reflect the share arrangement.

How long do you have to find someone?

A nanny will take 2 11month olds but the logistics of a nanny share can be complex. You'll need to have a good relationship with your friend, decide where nanny is based, who pays for what, decide who takes on the burden of officially being the employer and sorting out the tax/NI etc. It's quite normal for one set of parents to host the share and the other to adminstrate it. You also need to make sure you're on the same page re: food, discipline, activities, routines (roughly) and the type of person you want.

Grandma I wouldn't. Even if you have a fab relationship and you completely agree on everything there will be one day where she does something you don't agree with and then there will be tears and recriminations and she was only doing what she thought was best but you didn't want it done than way and everything goes to pot. Also how old is grandma and how would she feel if you decided later on to employ a nanny or send your DD to nursery? I would keep grandma as an emergency backup!

Nursery - it's like the polar opposite of a nanny so if you think you can deal with the logistics of a nanny share think about the following:

Do you want group care of one-to-one?
Is it more important that your DD has consistent care or that she's mixing with a range of children and adults on a daily basis?
Do you want to use childcare vouchers? It is possible with a nanny but they need to be registered.
Do you like the idea of structured activities or a more relaxed approach?
Do you want observations and milestones charted?
Do you have very set hours or do you need some flexibility re: drop off/pick up?

Have you considered a childminder? That's midway between a nanny share and a nursery.

My MIL looks after my boys when we go to work, and whilst we've had our ups and downs, on the whole I am very pleased that my boys have been able to have this time with their grandmother.

I love the fact that they are with someone who loves them and cherishes them. We've used a childminder too, and my elder son really benefited from having time with other children.

My advice in these situations is always to go with your gut feeling about childcare. You'll know what is right for you.

Thansk ladies, lots to think about! In an ideal world, my mil would be perfect, and i think we would deal with boundaries etc. but i am nervous in case that doesn't work out. Hadn't thought about childminders - i take it that is basically a nanny but in her own home? I'd certainly consider that too.

The nanny thing sounds more complicated, but i'm glad to hear that 2 11 month olds wouldn't be too much - in all honesty it would be for me!

I watched that program last night about the Amish communities and said to DH- at least they don't have to even consider this because they don't have to go back to the office - he also pointed out that i would make a rubbish farmer, so i guess trying to turn Amish is not an option either!

A childminder is someone who works from their home, usually with children from multiple families, often including their own, on a self-employed basis.

They will be registered with OFSTED, most accept childcare vouchers and are likely to provide care for your DD for quite a long period of time.

On the nanny side they're in a home environment and there's a bit more of a give/take in terms of how you want some things done BUT at the end of the day they set the terms of their business, they decide what they do with their day and they have to follow EYFS with all the paperwork/planned activities/etc that EYFS entails.

It's a half-way house between nanny and nursery.

I wouldn't do Grandma for regular childcare - it is a tie for all concerned and gives you no back up whatsoever if she is ill.

I'd save her as your back up - ie if DC is poorly and cannot go to regular childcare.

You have no back up if a nanny is ill! And a nursery won't take your child if the child is ill. Illness causes problems no matter what your childcare arrangements.

My mum has had my kids 2 days a week since I had DD (now 4) and also DS (nearly 2) but it is harder for her with 2. My MIL and SIL had DD just one day a week before I was on ML with DS. It worked brilliantly and was much nicer for DD than a nanny/nursery. We all get along well. We paid going rate. Mum is fabulous with kids and my SIL is a qualified childcare professional.

Would not put a baby in a nursery myself. It's a personal opinion but look at the research, although it is not FT at least. You could easily find a nanny for 3 days - many mums do PT and I have managed to find 2 nannies for just 1 day now my MIL and SIL don't have DD any more. The one I have right now is brilliant; the other one was fine. Could you do a mixture of mum and nursery?

I realise I am in a very privileged position to be able to say that in my opinion family is best because it has worked out for me and everyone has benefitted. It's not a job to a grandma - it's a labour of love, provided she is really dedicated and on for it. If persuasion is required it is probably not the best course.

Re the illness issue, I looked at it in terms of who would be ill more: my baby or a nanny? Initially my DD1 was in nursery (yes, full time, no she isn't an emotional cripple!) until we moved and I had a choice in what to do. I decided a nanny would be ill less than my DD... but boy was I wrong! Still, our current nanny seems far more stoic than the last so hopefully the hypochondria days are behind us! And I bet that stint in a nursery did my DD1's immune system no harm at all - the kid is never sick.
At least with a granny you'd already know if they are prone to variants of man-flu.

Hmm, interesting point about the illness thing, hadn't thought of that.

I need to have another chat with the girl about nanny-share and make sure that she is up for it, you've given me some good points to consider on that front. Will see what grandma is thinking too - its a minefield! But seriously, thanks, really great advice.
x

For what it is worth, don't make the childcare thing all your responsibility. Make sure that your DH/DP is fully engaged in the process and understands that he will have to chip in to cover childcare emergencies such as sickness.

All to often it becomes the responsibility of the mother to take time off. I know you didn't ask that question, but I thought I'd throw it in.

Grandma.
she will love your child, you can't pay someone to do that!

My Mum has looked after both of mine and my sister's, and it's been the best arrangement for us.

I would say nursery or nanny share with a discussion with grandma about help when DC is ill and about time with DC for bonding whenever she likes.

we use a mixture of grand mas and a nanny. it works v well for us as children looked after in their own home environment and on a small ratio of adult to child care. i only work 2 days per week but we havent found using grandparents to be a problem. it has been great for us. we pay grandmas the going nanny rate- one spends it and the other saves it in an account for the dd's when they are older...

nannyshare and grandma for back up imo. Have done both. Currently have grandma and part-time 'mothers (actually grandmothers) help' works out well for us but a bit unusual.
Never done nursery before preschool stage though have friends who have loved it and their children have thrived.
Nannyshare
-you have to be flexible as you and your friend won't have the same ideas about everything.
-You have to find the right nanny as 2 11 month olds will be tiring and pay her well.
Grandma
Although grandmas are great she will get tired therefore you will not have help on your days off or evening/weekend babysitting!
Grandmas also have their own ideas about things and it is much harder to ask them to follow your rules.

Also if nanny sick you can ask grandma to cover.

I would probably do nanny and grandma 1 day a week.I wouldn't do nursery until older.I don't like nurserys for pre 3 year olds as it is too institutional IMO.

We did an arrangement similar to this with my 1st dd and it worked well with grandma enjoying her one day and as she didn't want any money this helped finacially.

There can be differences of opinion though and as your relationship is different to being her employer if can be difficult.As grandma was my MIL I had to say to my dh issues such as 'could you ask her to move her cleaning products on a shelf not on the floor where a crawling baby can get at them' as different generations see things differently and I was also very PFB. Does she look after your dd at present at all and how does that seem? If not try a couple of days and see how you feel.

It worries me a little that grandma is 'thinking about it' as it sounds like possibly she isn't too keen on the commitment.Things like last minute holidays,days out can't be done and if she is likely to do this it will cause you real problems so would go with a nanny.

However as a positive the relationship my MIL now has with my oldest dd is very close and she did lovely grandma slower paced things with my dd like going for a daily walk to watch the local steam train, looking at the flowers in the garden and generally was lovely and calm with her.

You need to look quite closely at the nannyshare to check how it this would work as suggested above and also have a search on past threads on here.I would only do this with a family I knew fairly well and was happy we had similar views and home environments.2 11 month olds wouldn't be an issue at all for a nanny IMO and the ratios in nursery are higher.

The thing I always liked about having my own nanny was my child slept in their own bed for naps,played at home,did their activities as I decided and the only thing different was I went out to work.Nanny is the most expensive but I looked at it as only being a few years where I earnt less so I would still have a good job when the children where in school/preschool. One way to keep cost down would be a nanny who brings her own child and again have a search on here for previous threads as there is always lots of good advice.

I only ever used a nursery, from 5 months, and it was a perfect experience. The nurse ratio was 1 nurse to 2 babies up to 12 months, and then it went up to 1 nurse to 5 children after that. As babies, they had their own cot with personal toys. The children were all full time, or almost, so my son made lovely friends there. He still sees some of them occasionally and he´s 7yo. Of course, I did a lot of research and some of the local nurseries were horrible and definitely felt like an institution.
Fail that, I think the nanny option is best. I would definitely not use the granny. Looking after a baby is hard, and I would be worried about creating family tension.

Just to reassure you, although it seems you're probably reassured by now, I do a nanny share with two girls who were 11mo and 12mo when I started, and it seems to work really well! Their mums were friends before which helps (tho I have done shares before where the parents didn't know each other and while it was fine I did struggle occasionally with lack of communication between them!). The parents I work for now spent time working out between them what their expectations were and making sure they were compatible. When they hired me we all chatted together about logistics to make sure we were on the same page and they were open to me suggesting changes if necessary!

The girls get on really well, they love having a regular chang of scene and toys - we alternate houses - and we have lots of fun adventures. I love it! If you want any more info about how we worked it all out let me know and I'll give you my email address!

Best of luck whatever you decide!