Advice -what or rather Who should I be looking for

[blondecat]

Hello

I know this may seem like a silly question but I am not sure what sort of help I should be looking for and would appreciate advice

Will be having a baby girl in November. Yay. Since I lost my job and never want to set foot in an office again I am planning a few years taking care of the little monster. The catch is that DH will continue to work as crazy and since he will be officially based in Luxembourg and Madrid I will spend a fair deal of time alone.

Neither of us have any family to help and we are likely to be in for a shock once our maternity nurse - lovely nonRoutine Antipodean leaves after 7 weeks.

I want someone who would be able to take the baby off me for a few hours each day - enough to shower, rest, do my hair, maybe escape to a class or a facial sometimes - basically keep away cabin fever and exhaustion.
And I want someone to clean and cook while I look after the baby.

The nanny agency suggested we need a housekeeper and a nanny. I think this is excessive since I won't be working and I want to take care of DD myself most of the time Plus it would make our two bed rather crowded!

Although we do want a housekeeper while the nurse is there.

I've heard of a mothers help. Would this be what we need? Or do they not take care of a baby on their own? And what is this sole charge that the nanny ads often mention?

Finally in your experience how long / how difficult is it to find one?
i am intimidated by all these fully staffed household ads. Sounds like we are going to be competing with millionaires.
And how do we find someone who will stick around for 1-3 years?

Any other tips?

Thank you in advance

Sole charge means looking after the baby/child on their own, usually while the parents work. Mother's helps tend to be less experienced/qualified than nannies and do shared charge care - so entertaining the baby while you're napping or in the shower maybe, but not long days on their own. Generally experienced/qualified nannies aren't keen on shared charge, and won't do any general housework.

It really depends on the individual though, and you may well find a mother's help that you trust (or come to trust) to do some sole charge care while you go out for the afternoon or can take the baby for a walk or to the park. Sounds like you need either a mother's help, or a housekeeper who is prepared to do a little babysitting.

moonunitalpha thank you

So an experienced nanny won't want the mother around? But a mothers help won't usually be left alone with the baby? That's illuminating if somewhat strange sounding to me.

Maybe a case of culture clash

Some nannies will work in a shared care role - though as Moon says most prefer sole charge. A nanny will do 'nursery duties' - any housework that relates to the child ie. washing childrens clothes and bedding, keeping playroom/bedroom clean, cooking for children etc. Most will not take on any general housework.

I sometimes see Nanny-Housekeeper roles advertised - but these are generally for older children and housekeeping is done while they are at school.

As Moon says, it does sound like you need a Mother's Help. If you find one with experience of babies - through friends or they have worked in nurseries - then they should be capable of short periods of sole charge. Then, at times that you have the baby, they will do general housekeeping.

I think you need a babyfriendly housekeeper capable of taking on nanny duties. From the sounds of it childcare will be limited to when you want to be somewhere without baby or need a rest and the majority of the role is cooking/cleaning.

Whilst a mothers help could be a good option, and with a bit of experience/guidance there is no reason they shouldn't be left alone with the baby, they are likely to move on after a year or so. Mother's Helps roles tend to be seen as an apprenticeship for a full nanny role rather than a career path in their own right.

I also assume you're looking for someone live out?

How much are you willing to pay? This will almost certainly factor into the decision.

It may be worth thinking of it in terms of stages:

Stage 1 you have an MN booked and want a housekeeper.

Stage 2 MN leaves but you're keeping the housekeeper. Do you want to add a long term full time nanny or maybe a post-natal doula for a few hours every day or a part-time nanny giving you a couple of free days a week

Stage 3 (say when baby is 6 months old) you still want the housekeeper role but you might have a better idea of what the childcare component is so can recruit a Mother's Help to do both roles, keep the housekeeper and PT nanny combo if that's what you opted for above, recruit a PT nanny to go with the housekeeper or leave baby with the housekeeper for a few hours each day.

Being brutally honest you are unlikely to find someone who wants to stay in a nanny job with a SAHM for 3 years.

Do you need a full time housekeeper? If school hours are enough for you then maybe a housekeeper with her own school age children would be a possibility - not a professional nanny but someone you could feel happy will know what they're doing with a baby!

ViveLaFrak This a good way of thinking about it except that I don't want you change carers once I find one I and the DC likes.

and yes it is live-out as our London flat doesn't come with a chambre de bonne. I pretty much suspect none do. DH spoke about renting a studio for her but where we live that'd be 225 plus pw and the difference in pay between live in and out seems more like 100-150 a week. Of course then their is the travel card etc but on the other side council tax and bills...

we will pay a decent London wage - depending on what her experience is and how long will she be willing to commit for.
What should help is that we are not English and will be searching for either a French or a Polish speaker. I know that DH had a lovely Malagash nanny who was quite happy staying around for 4 years even though his mother didn't work either.

And thank you for being honest. I just wonder what nannies did a few decades ago when most mummies were of the stay at home variety. They must have survived somehow.

Mostly nannies worked either for very upper class families or ones where mother was too busy! So even though not working, mothers didn't stay at home much

Plus there were relatively few nannies then compared to now.

Your baby will be able to change carers relatively easily up to about 6 months, which gives a couple of months for them to become familiar with the new one before separation anxiety kicks in.

I don't know whether looking for a French or Polish speaker makes things easier or harder! On one hand you're less likely to have the insistence on sole charge (unless they've been in the UK a long time and grown accustomed to it) as it's certainly less common here in France, Poland I've no idea. On the other they're comparatively rare and French speakers in particular can come with a fairly hefty premium so do factor that in.

It also depends on the hours you're looking for whether you have 1 person or 2. Part-time is often less attractive than full-time and a few hours every day even harder to find and sustain over a long period of tine.

However I'd start having a look through ads on gumtree and see whether there are people looking for what you want or not. Getting an idea if the general market and candidates might help you decide what's feasible.

As a nanny who has worked with young children for 27 years I can confirm that even with mum at home most nanny jobs were sole charge in years gone by and many nannies wouldn't even consider shared charge.

This was mainly because it just doesn't work well! children play their parent's off against each other; How wonderful to run to mummy when nanny say's no and vice/versa. I had one job with a mum who wanted time to herself and if her children ask her permission for any thing while I was working, she would say "ask nanny she's in charge today"

most Nannies are professional about their work and have a lot of experience and training and many parent's seem to have a problem with this. I have worked for some wonderful families and stayed long term in some jobs keeping in touch when I left. I have always had to ge very sure I could work well with the parents before accepting any job that wasn't sole charge.

Thank you.
Now I think I understand sole charge better. The nanny wouldn't be making me leave the house but we won't be dealing with DC at the same time. Which makes a lot more sense!

And it's encouraging to know we have some time before we need to settle on one person!

I can understand the part time full time problem. Getting 2 part time jobs that fit together could be tricky. Imagine what happens with holidays / when we need her to travel with us.

will start gumtree surveys and speak to the agency again.

You could get a nanny/housekeeper - they will typically do the housework when not looking after baby, and can take the baby off your hands for a few hours a day, plus do the family cooking. I know a number of families who have nanny/housekeepers including for small babies, in particular where the mother is at home, and they are happy to have shared care positions. Many are Filipinas. Gumtree is a good place to advertise for a nanny/housekeeper if you want to avoid going through an agency.

Many are Filipinas.

I would love to know if any of them are working here legally.

There's actually a large community of Filipino staff who obtained either ILR or work-related visas, especially in London. Some have been in Britain long enough to naturalise, others hold dual citizenship with other EU countries.

Legal Filipinas are very sought after and quite hard to come by though. Cross that bridge when you come yo it and check the papers of anyone who isn't an EU citizen very carefully.