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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Unsettled child

14 replies

HaveToWearHeels · 20/07/2010 21:25

Looking for a bit of advise from childminders please. My little girl goes to child minders 2 days a week, this is her third week (5th day). Last couple of weeks she has had one good day one bad day and today has been a bad day. She is very clingy with childminder and likes to be held all the time and if put on the floor gets very upset. she was 9.5 months old when she started and is now 10 months how long would you give them to to settle ?
Thanks

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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compo · 20/07/2010 21:27

Well at that age they dolike to be held all the time

has the childminder got a playpen with toys in to put her in?

I wouldn't worry, your childminder will know how to handle things

HSMM · 20/07/2010 21:29

Does she go 2 consecutive days and is today the first day of the week? The gap in care is a long time for little ones and 9/10 months is a really tricky age.

If your CM is happy to work with you about how to deal with it then I'm sure it will all be fine soon. The most positive thing is that the CM is not saying your DD has had a lovely day when she hasn't. This means you can build up a trusting relationship and work together.

Original poster

HaveToWearHeels · 20/07/2010 21:55

Thanks Compo she has lots of toys no playpen though she just puts her on the floor, but LO just gets upset.

HSMM yes it is two consecutive days and today is day one. The rest of the week DD is with grandparents two days and me one day. She seems quite happy with grandparents and not clingy but maybe because she has full attention, but she is happy to play by herself (ie not held).

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Original poster

HaveToWearHeels · 20/07/2010 22:08

bump

OP posts:

ChildrenAtHeart · 23/07/2010 00:10

This is very normal and is actually a good sign as it shows she is bonding with the CM. It is a very frustrating stage but if you have a good CM they will no how to deal with it. Good strategies are to keep talking to her when she is on the floor, making eye contact and keeping up a verbal description of what cm is doing, using a gentle tone. She should keep coming near without necessarily picking her up and being as matter of fact (but reassuring)as possible. Sitting with her and playing on the floor but not holding her, lots of cuddles in between. The idea is to show her that the CM will always return, is aware of her presence and cares for her. It can take a long time but usually disappears once the child is walking & so more independant.

Original poster

HaveToWearHeels · 23/07/2010 10:53

Thanks ChildrenAtHeart that is really helpfull. I thought it was good that she wanted cuddles from CM. CM has extended settling in period. I am a little concerned that my LO has not been given enough time to settle in and is being branded "clingy". She is not clingy with me or grandparents.

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ChildrenAtHeart · 23/07/2010 14:15

Glad it was helpful
5 weeks at that age is nothing, especially if they are part-time. Its the prime age for separation anxiety to kick in and you may find it gets worse before it gets better unfortunately, and may begin to appear with you &/or grandparents. Its a case of patience, staying calm and being reassuring without pandering if that makes sense. So if the child is just whingey or clingy try to avoid picking up and try to distract with activities or chat, but if they are really distressed then they need cuddles!
Is your CM sympathetic about the situation or is it she who is 'complaining'?
I had an 18m old who was with me 5 hours on 2 days a week and cried solid dor 6 weeks. He remained anxious for some months but we employed lots of strategies to help him understand Mummy was always coming back and that i wasn't going anywhere either. He stayed with me till he started school. He had only lasted 3 weeks at his previous CM as she simply couldn't cope with his needs.

Original poster

HaveToWearHeels · 23/07/2010 22:00

ChildrenAtHeart very insiteful. DD is my first so all new to this. I think CM is struggling. She has her own toddler and also a 7 month old to look after. I feel like she really hasn't given her enough time to settle

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ChildrenAtHeart · 23/07/2010 22:16

That's a tough combination but in theory she should have thought it through as to have two children under a year at the same time CM's have to apply for a variation from Ofsted in which we are supposed to 'prove' we are capable of meeting the needs of 2 children this age and any others in our care.

Some people do find this stage hard to deal with. I know I spoke to a CM at a drop-in recently about the baby she was caring for who cried whenever put down as I felt she was leaving him too long to cry and she said she didn't know what else to do. I suggested some of the things I mentioned about, in particular staying nearby, talking to him and smiling making eye contact. A few weeks later he is now walking and a different baby, totally contented and v'affectionate relationship between them. Without peer support it could have been very different.

I would be chatting to the CM and asking her what things she is doing to help her settle, perhaps using the angle of you are interested in case it happens at home/g'parents so you can be consistent, so she doesn't think you are criticising her. Its very important that you & CM have a trusting relationship & can discuss your dd without either of you feeling threatened or embarrassed. If you don't trust her and don't develop that kind of relationship you may need to think of looking elsewhere. It may be disruptive in the shrt term but you need somewhere where you & your dd feel comfortable

Original poster

HaveToWearHeels · 23/07/2010 23:48

Both my DD and the other little boy were both supposed to be part time and then the liitle boys parents decided they wanted him to go full time. As it was for only 10 weeks until DD was one she applied and got a variation. Now the little boys parents are moving. So as of August little boy will no longer be there so CM will have more time to help DD settle.
I have confidence in CM and I am glad she is being honest with me and I am willing to give it until the new settling in date (beginning of Sept) and if it doesn't work will look elsewhere. We have a weeks holiday end of August and I am hoping that as she will be that little bit older when she goes back that might help. We have a communications book so I might write some notes on what you have suggested, I don't want to teach her to suck eggs but what you are saying makes perfect sense to me.
Thanks ChildrenAtHeart you have been fantastic and given me something to work with. DD is so easy with me that it is horrible to think she is getting herself in such a state.

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ChildrenAtHeart · 24/07/2010 08:56

Sounds like you are doing the right things and as you say, if the othe lo is leaving it should ease the situation. Glad the CM is someone you feel you can work with, its sooo important.
Good luck - let us know how you get on. And enjoy your holiday

Original poster

HaveToWearHeels · 24/07/2010 20:00

thanks ChildrenAtHeart

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Original poster

HaveToWearHeels · 28/07/2010 16:52

Well yesterday was day 7 (4th week) with CM. I wrote what you suggested ChildrenAtHeart in her little communications book. Around 2 hours after I dropped her off I got a text (heart lept into my mouth) to say thanks for the message but DD has been a different child. She cried a bit when I left but had a cuddle with CM's hubby whilest she did breakfast. played all mroning with other children, then went to local country park for picnic. Was happy all day and had a sleep while out. No tears and no screaming. When I went to pick her up you could tell she was a lot happier. Hopefully things continue that way today !

OP posts:

ChildrenAtHeart · 28/07/2010 17:46

Thats really good news. There may be the odd set-back but hopefully this will be the norm now. x

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